Why Chasing Confidence Is A Waste Of Time
- Nov 29, 2024
- 6 min read
Written by Lucy Maeve, Transformational Coach
Lucy Maeve, a former J.P. Morgan salesperson turned trauma-informed coach, empowers high achievers to transform their stories from perpetual questioning of 'Is this it?' to living authentically meaningful lives. Featured in The Telegraph, The Times, and the BBC, her work resonates with those hungry for deeper meaning."
For a long time, I chased confidence like it was the magic key to a fulfilled life. If I could just think myself into feeling confident, then life would magically fall into place. Spoiler alert – it didn’t. A weird look from a boss, being ghosted by a random man I had no interest in on an app, a potential client saying ‘no,’ or even something as ridiculous as being late for a meeting was enough to send my so-called “confidence” crumbling into pit despair and ‘What is wrong with you, Lucy.’
Therapists' Instagram reels from a stranger (who my brain thinks is my friend because I’ve followed them for so long) and self-help books all told me the same thing: “Just focus on why you're amazing. Look at all the proof of how great you are at your job, your flat, your salary, and your competence!” And, to be fair, that worked for about 55 seconds.
You see, the thing with confidence—this surface-level confidence that we’re all conditioned to chase—is that it’s about as strong as a piece of overcooked spaghetti. It’s built on external validation, compliments, and how “together” our lives appear to be. And the moment any of those disappear, we get spun back at square one, frantically trying to piece ourselves back together, searching for more external proof that we are, in fact, good enough.
The realisation that changed everything
It wasn’t until I found myself failing to desperately think myself into being confident and good enough after yet another ghosting that a little part of me, deep inside, whispered, “This isn’t the answer. You’re barking up the wrong tree”
And that’s when I started to explore something deeper, something more profound and less flimsy than ‘confidence’—the concept of power.
Not power in the “climb-the-corporate-ladder-so-that-I’m-the-boss” sense or the “control-everything-and-everyone-because-I-am-important-so-f-you” kind (we’ve all seen how that goes). But a quiet, grounded, internal power. The kind of power that doesn’t depend on how flawless your CV looks, whether you got the biggest bonus, or if your boss likes you the best.
This power wasn’t about thinking I was good enough.
It was about knowing—deep down in my bones—that I already was.
From thinking to feeling
Here’s the part that might make you pause, but stick with me; it’s worth it. This shift wasn’t something I could mindset my way into (shock, horror! But my mind is so clever, can’t I just rely on it forever? No, Lucy, you can’t).
Good vibes only? Nice idea, but no thanks. Affirmations? You do you, but not the solution.
What I discovered was that this deeper, body-level sense of power—this unshakeable knowing—only came when I stopped trying to force my brain to behave and started healing the emotional imprints I was holding in my body.
Yes, in my body.
The human body is wild, isn’t it? Through implicit memory, it stores memories and emotions, and that time you awkwardly walked past the CEO in the corridor and went ‘HI’ kind of waved and then beat yourself up about it for 3 days in 2003. And for me (and all of my clients), it had also been hoarding unresolved fears, shame, self-doubt, and a bunch of “you’re-not-good-enough” imprints that were sabotaging any chance of me genuinely feeling powerful in my life.
Any attempt at affirming my way into confidence was like trying to swim against a rip tide. Never going to work.
Through somatic work—practices that focus on connecting to and healing the body—it became clear that mindset could only take me so far. Sure, I could think of different thoughts, but unless I was addressing the deeper fears tucked away in my belly and chest and jaw, I’d keep running into that same wall.
The problem with chasing confidence
Here’s the thing about obsessing overconfidence, as we currently understand it. It’s circumstantial. We believe we’ll “earn” it once we hit certain milestones:
Once I have x amount in the bank.
Once I get that promotion.
Once I’m in a happy relationship.
Once I am finally clear on my direction in life.
But the moment life throws a curveball, which it will because life is always life-ing, hello, redundancy, unexpected breakups, and leaking period pants (just me?), our shiny, polished confidence takes a nosedive. Why? Because it’s tethered to external circumstances, not internal truth.
True power, on the other hand, isn’t about ticking boxes. It’s not about proving anything to anyone, including yourself. It’s about rooting into the undeniable truth of who you already are.
It’s about getting out of your head and into your body, where strength, resilience, and yes, power, are waiting for you.
How to begin reclaiming your power
1. Pause the head chatter
Notice how often you’re trying to “think your way” into self-worth. Start noticing the mental gymnastics you’re performing just to feel good enough. It’s exhausting, and yes, there is a place for working with the mind, but it’s not the first step; I tried it, I know.
2. Feel it to heal it
Think about where you hold tension or fear in your body. Pause when you notice yourself nosediving off the confidence pedestal – what is happening in your body? Is there tightness? Heaviness? Where is it? Chest? Gut? Jaw? Solar Plexus? Somatic practices, which I use all the time with my clients, like deep belly breathing, emotional expression, dance and sounding can help release these emotional imprints.
3. Get curious
Instead of dismissing difficult emotions like doubt or fear, sit with them. Yes, it feels horrible to do, but I promise the short-term discomfort of sitting with them is far better than living a life with all of your fear squished into a pressure cooker in your throat. What are they trying to tell you? What do they want/need? Personal power is birthed through deep self-knowledge.
4. Anchor yourself in the present
True power resides in the now, in the ability to choose your response to life. When our emotional response is out of proportion with the external stimulus, our system is responding to the past vs. the present. Recognise that and reclaim your power to choose your response to life based on what is happening now.
5. Prioritise compassion over perfection
Confidence often gets tied up in perfectionism—“If I can just get it right, then I’ll feel confident.” Power, however, is built through compassion. We are all humaning our way through the wildness of being human. When we mess up, chances are we are just repeating a pattern that was built into us at age 5. Can we have compassion for that 5-year old?
The ripple effect
When I stopped chasing confidence and started committing to living from a place of embodied power, everything changed. I stopped obsessing over whether I was “enough” in every room I walked into. I stopped catastrophising over minor hiccups. And perhaps most importantly, I found the courage to take steps towards what I really wanted because even if it all went to sh**, it didn’t need to mean anything about me anymore. My power is inherent, and my confidence is fleeting.
This shift didn’t make me louder or more forceful—it made me calmer, more grounded, and ultimately, more me. And isn’t that what we’re all secretly (or not-so-secretly) craving?
Read more from Lucy Maeve
Lucy Maeve, Transformational Coach
Lucy Maeve is a trailblazer in empowering high achievers to rewrite their narratives and embrace authentic living.
Drawing from her own journey away from a successful finance career, Lucy incorporates insights from trauma-informed practices and breathwork inspired by mentors such as Gabor Mate and Layla Martin. Her expertise, featured in The Telegraph, The Times, and the BBC, helps clients rediscover their true selves.
Based in Cape Town, Lucy's passions include (bad) dancing, ocean waves, and indulging in Lindt Orange Intense chocolate, all while striving to ensure no soul is left uninspired.
