When Women Forget They Can Tell AI What To Do
- Brainz Magazine
- 3 days ago
- 5 min read
Updated: 6 hours ago
Yujia Zhu is known for pioneering AI-driven philanthropy. She is the solo founder and creator of Fassling.ai, a thought leader in ethical AI, social innovation, nonprofit leadership, and inclusive system design, and the author of Boundless Compassion in the Digital Age (2025), published in 2025. Her mission is to leave no one behind.
Many women unconsciously adapt to AI’s “default voice,” treating it like an authority instead of a tool. This article uncovers how people-pleasing patterns extend into digital spaces, reinforcing hidden biases and limiting creativity. By learning to redirect and reshape AI’s responses, women can reclaim agency, spark cultural change, and use technology on their own terms.
Unpacking the psychology of people-pleasing in the age of AI
A friend of mine said something that stopped me in my tracks, “Oh, I didn’t know I could just tell AI what I wanted. It felt like it had its own style I had to work around.”
She’s not alone. I’ve noticed this pattern among many women. Instead of treating AI as a flexible tool, they adapt to it as if the chatbot were the authority in the room. They accept its tone, its structure, and its verbosity without asking for something different.
At first glance, this might sound like a trivial tech quirk. But look closer, and it reveals a fascinating interplay of psychology, gender norms, and the invisible weight of social conditioning.
The hidden people-pleaser reflex
From boardrooms to living rooms, women are often socialized to smooth interactions, avoid conflict, and meet others’ expectations, a classic “people-pleaser” reflex that encourages keeping the peace, not rocking the boat, and even making oneself smaller if needed. What’s striking is that this reflex doesn’t just show up in human relationships, it spills into digital ones as well. When AI writes in a stiff, academic style, some women take it at face value. When it produces walls of text, they don’t push back for bullet points. And when AI “sounds” authoritative, they tend to defer rather than redirect. This isn’t because they lack awareness or ability, rather, years of subtle conditioning have ingrained the belief that adapting is safer than asserting.
Technology has a “default voice,” and it isn’t neutral
Here’s the kicker. AI doesn’t actually have a voice. Its “style” is just a mash-up of patterns in training data. But because most people don’t know what’s under the hood, they interpret its responses like a personality.
And if the default voice of AI feels overly formal, male-coded, or technocratic, it can reinforce those same biases. Researchers have long pointed out that Siri and Alexa defaulted to female voices for “assistant” roles, while many corporate AIs adopt a flat, overly logical tone that mirrors stereotypically masculine communication.
When women adapt to those defaults rather than reshaping them, they’re not just limiting their own agency. They’re unintentionally reinforcing design bias.
Why this matters more than we think
This isn’t just about tech etiquette – it’s about power. When women don’t tell AI what to do, they lose out on efficiency, creativity, and control. It’s like using a Swiss Army knife as nothing more than a single blade. More than that, AI is actively shaping how the next generation learns, works, and creates. If half the population defaults to adapting rather than directing, the tool itself will evolve in skewed ways that amplify existing imbalances. In this sense, the AI interaction becomes a mirror of broader cultural dynamics, whose needs get prioritized, whose voices get amplified, and who gets used to bending instead of leading. Years ago, Sheryl Sandberg’s Lean In argued that women often hold themselves back at the table. Today, with AI, we’re seeing the rise of a new kind of table, and the risk that the same patterns will quietly repeat.
Reclaiming the user’s seat
The beauty of AI is that it doesn’t get offended. It won’t sulk if you say, “Be shorter,” nor will it roll its eyes if you ask for more warmth, humor, or empathy. That means reclaiming power in these interactions is surprisingly simple. The next time you use AI, try prompts such as “Make this more casual,” “Explain it like you would to a 10-year-old,” “Give me just three bullet points,” or “Use an encouraging, supportive tone.” Each of these requests serves as a reminder that you are the director, not the audience, and the technology is meant to adapt to you, not the other way around.
Beyond women, but not without women
Of course, this isn’t just a women’s issue. Men also adapt to AI defaults, sometimes out of intimidation or a kind of tech reverence that makes them hesitant to push back. Still, viewing this through a gendered lens reveals something deeper. The people-pleaser instinct is not merely interpersonal, it’s structural. If women, who make up a massive share of AI users, consistently defer instead of direct, we risk cementing a dynamic where AI evolves to reflect compliance rather than creativity. By contrast, when women lean into their agency, asking, shaping, and demanding, the technology itself begins to evolve in ways that reflect a greater diversity of voice, perspective, and need.
A small shift with big ripples
Imagine if millions of women stopped adapting to AI and instead expected AI to adapt to them. Work emails would become sharper, kinder, and more efficient. Content creation would reflect more authentic voices, free from the constraints of default tones or styles. Even the design of future AI systems would begin to shift, because usage patterns are what train the trainers. What seems like a small, almost invisible change in habit could spark powerful ripple effects, reshaping culture, advancing technology, and redefining leadership in ways that prioritize agency, creativity, and inclusion.
Final thought: Who’s adapting to whom?
AI is not a teacher, boss, or gatekeeper. It’s not a parent you need to please or a manager you must impress. At its core, it is simply a tool, a mirror reflecting what you ask it to be. That’s why the next time you open a chat window, it’s worth pausing to ask yourself – Am I adapting to AI, or is it adapting to me? That single question, simple as it seems, might be one of the most quietly revolutionary acts of digital empowerment available to us today.
I’d be glad to connect on LinkedIn if you’re interested in following my journey as a social entrepreneur.
Read more from Yujia Zhu
Yujia Zhu, Social Entrepreneur, Author, Executive Coach
Yujia Zhu is a pioneering AI nonprofit founder with a diverse academic background spanning law, business, computer science, and clinical practice. She has devoted her life to creating trauma-informed, spiritually grounded solutions for global humanitarian challenges. As the sole creator of FASSLING.AI, the world’s first comprehensive AI platform for skills coaching with a virtual safe space (VSS), Yujia is redefining how technology can serve human care. Her work bridges innovation, ethics, and compassion, earning her recognition as a thought leader in socially responsible AI, a Forbes Nonprofit Council Member, and a Professional Fellow at the Institute of Coaching, McLean/Harvard Medical School Affiliate.
