When Love Feels Heavy – Recognizing and Healing Trauma Bonds and Toxic Relationship Patterns
- Brainz Magazine
- 4 days ago
- 5 min read
Written by Andrea Byers, Holistic Wellness Practitioner
Andrea Byers is an award-winning holistic wellness expert, Air Force veteran, and chronic illness warrior dedicated to redefining well-being through personalized care. As the founder of Chronic & Iconic Coaching, she empowers individuals to reclaim balance, purpose, and health through mindset, movement, and transformative coaching.
When people think of bonds, they often imagine connections rooted in love and trust. The kind that feels safe and grounding. Not all bonds are healthy. Some are forged in fire, shaped by pain, and held together by fear. These are trauma bonds, ties so powerful they keep us tethered to the very things that hurt us long after we have outgrown the environments or relationships that created them.
If you have ever asked yourself, “Why do I keep going back?” or “Why does this friendship feel so heavy even though we’ve been close for years?” this is for you.
What is a trauma bond?
A trauma bond forms when deep emotional attachment becomes entangled with cycles of abuse, neglect, or manipulation. It is a paradoxical pull, the same person or situation that causes harm also provides intermittent comfort or validation. This push and pull creates confusion, dependency, and a powerful tie that is difficult to break. That push and pull keeps us hooked.
We often hear of trauma bonds in the context of romantic partnerships or family dynamics, but they also show up in friendships, sometimes the most difficult bonds to recognize because we do not always expect friends to harm us. Yet toxic friendships can leave scars just as deep.
When friendship turns heavy
Friendship is supposed to be where we exhale, laugh, and grow. But when a trauma bond is in play, the relationship becomes heavy and unbalanced. You start to feel like you are walking on eggshells. The connection that once felt light now feels like carrying a boulder on your back. Toxic friendships often mirror the same unhealthy cycles as romantic trauma bonds, leaving one person drained and disoriented.
Signs you may be in a trauma-bonded friendship:
Emotional guilt-tripping: You become responsible for their moods, meltdowns, or insecurities.
Weaponized vulnerability: They may weaponize their trauma, such as abandonment issues, or use their pain to keep you close, making you feel guilty for needing space or boundaries.
One-way energy flow: The friendship revolves around their needs, with little reciprocity. You walk away from interactions exhausted instead of restored.
Silenced voice: You silence your truth to avoid conflict, criticism, or manipulation from them.
The cycle: Fun moments are followed by guilt, manipulation, or emotional chaos that pulls you back into imbalance.
These friendships do not always look toxic on the surface, they can be wrapped in loyalty or years of history, but they disrupt balance by entangling you in patterns of guilt, shame, and obligation.
How trauma bonds disrupt your balance
When you are stuck in a trauma bond, it is not just the relationship that suffers. Your whole life tips out of alignment. At their core, trauma bonds disrupt equilibrium. They tilt your inner compass away from self-trust and self-compassion, keeping you in survival mode.
Emotionally: You ride a rollercoaster of highs and lows, leaving you anxious, exhausted, or numb.
Physically: Chronic stress shows up as poor sleep, fatigue, tension, and even illness. Your body keeps the score, even when you try to ignore it.
Mentally: You start questioning your worth, your intuition, and sometimes your reality.
Spiritually: You lose touch with your inner compass and higher self. Chaos drowns out clarity.
When every part of your being is tilted, it becomes difficult to experience joy, clarity, or forward momentum. You are left in a cycle of imbalance, chasing stability in the very place that robs you of it.
Breaking free & reclaiming balance
You don’t break free from a trauma bond by snapping your fingers or suddenly being “strong enough.” The break happens when you decide to intentionally heal and reclaim your balance piece by piece.
Here’s where to begin:
Awareness with compassion: Acknowledge the bond without judging yourself. You survived something hard. That took strength. Extend compassion to yourself for surviving, and acknowledge your courage in facing the truth.
Spot the patterns: Write down the moments that left you feeling small, guilty, or drained. Seeing the patterns on paper helps you step outside the cycle and gain clarity.
Reconnect with your body: The body often signals what the mind denies. Practices like deep breathing, yoga, or mindful movement help you reclaim balance by grounding you in your physical presence and calming your nervous system.
Set gentle boundaries: Boundaries don’t have to be walls. They can be soft, intentional steps that protect your peace. Start small: limit your availability, say no once, carve out space that is just yours. Each boundary restores a piece of balance.
Gather safe support: Healing happens in community. Trauma bonds often isolate you, so intentionally connecting with trusted friends, coaches, or therapists provides perspective, validation, and accountability. Surround yourself with trusted people who will remind you of your worth and help you stay accountable to your healing.
Rebuild self-trust: Each time you choose yourself, whether through journaling, saying no, or celebrating small wins, you remind your brain that you are safe in your own hands.
Create rhythms of peace: Replace chaos with consistency. Morning rituals, nourishing meals, and intentional rest retrain your mind and body to expect calm instead of crisis. Stability rewires your system for peace.
From bondage to balance
Healing from a trauma bond isn’t a straight line, and it’s rarely as simple as walking away and never looking back. It is a process of untangling yourself from patterns that once felt like home, even when they were hurting you. It is learning to hear your own voice again after years of silencing it. Balance doesn’t demand perfection. It simply asks for presence.
Each boundary you set, each truth you speak, each moment you choose peace over chaos is a step toward reclaiming yourself. And with every step, you begin to see that balance isn’t something you have to chase, it has been within you all along, waiting for you to honor it.
“True balance is not found in carrying someone else’s wounds, it is found in honoring your own healing.”
If you recognize yourself in these words, take one small act of balance today. Write out your truth, set one boundary, or reach for safe support.
And if you are ready to go deeper, my book, "Trauma Bonded: Breaking Free from ‘Pick Me’ Syndrome," will guide you step by step through the process of healing and reclaiming yourself. You can find it here.
Read more from Andrea Byers
Andrea Byers, Holistic Wellness Practitioner
Andrea Byers is an award-winning holistic wellness expert, transformation coach, and decorated Air Force veteran with over two decades of experience in healthcare and integrative wellness. As the founder of Chronic & Iconic Coaching, she empowers individuals, especially those navigating chronic illness or burnout, to reclaim their health, purpose, and personal power through mindset, movement, and radical self-leadership. Known for her bold voice and compassionate approach, Andrea is a fierce advocate for sustainable healing, unapologetic self-worth, and whole-person wellness.
