When Flirting Becomes Harmful
Updated: Jan 17, 2022
Written by: Paul Spinella, Executive Contributor
Executive Contributors at Brainz Magazine are handpicked and invited to contribute because of their knowledge and valuable insight within their area of expertise.
I recently engaged in a LinkedIn post by a Love Coach. The post was in the form of a poll, with the headline “Do you think FLIRTING is a way of cheating?” I was perplexed, though not surprised, to see the results were somewhat split, with 45% voting “yes” and 31% voting “no – flirting is harmless.” Perhaps I was triggered by the hyphened “flirting is harmless” added to the word “no.” Have we truly lost all sense of self-worth and dignity?
In a world that is quickly moving towards a grandiose lens of acceptance for all, unintended consequences still remain. If we choose to tolerate any and every behavior our partner engages in, we may lose our identity of self along the way. Most importantly, flirting is a behavior that invites temptation and closeness. Since we do not know how the third party may perceive this invitation, it can be rather reckless and may bring with it a significant consequences. Even when the behavior or desire to flirt with others is not coming from a malicious but rather a “friendly” place, consequences still remain.
The dictionary defines flirt to “behave as though attracted to or trying to attract someone.” I think once a relationship moves to commitment there now exists a need to create a safe space for each individual within that relationship. Even in ethical-non-monogamous relationships, especially in polyamorous relationships, there exists “12 pillars of polaymory,” which insist on the need for boundaries, trust, and open communication. It is also imperative to not overlook the first word, “ethical,” which is defined as “pertaining to or dealing with morals or the principles of morality; pertaining to right and wrong.”
Our ethical decisions may create a deficit in identifying the needs of a broader society. However, ethics must remain a driver in defining our worth, our boundaries, and how we choose to exist in relation to each other. It's ok to suggest to your partner that their behavior is not welcome, that it has unintended consequences, that it doesn't make you feel safe. This ask does not make you controlling or even insecure. Rather it gives your partner the power to decide if they want to continue as they are or stay and change. It's also ok to be ok with flirting. I'm not suggesting that my perspective is the only perspective. Instead, I encourage you to think beyond yourself and how your behavior may impact those around you.
I desire to create a world that does not diminish anyone's individual experience as relevant. Perspective is everything. Without it, we are just a bunch of self-serving, self-seeking egomaniacs. As a coach and a writer, I believe it is imperative to create consciousness for unconscious behavior. I believe we have a moral and ethical responsibility to recognize the significance of our behavior's impact on those around us. Once we gain that understanding, we are now faced with the moral decision to change or stay the same. But if we never change, then we’ll always get, what we’ve always got, and that’s not the type of world I want to leave behind for my children.
Paul Spinella, Executive Contributor Brainz Magazine Paul Spinella believes that we all seek security, safety, and connection. After overcoming adverse childhood trauma and unhealthy relationships, including heartbreak and loss, he dove headfirst into his healing journey to rediscover who he truly is. That journey brought increasing wisdom in lessons for finding self-love and self-worth. Today, Paul remains an advocate and student of self-growth and self-development. He pays forward these lessons as a pro-bono coach, writer, and advocate. He enjoys story-telling and sharing topics on healthy and unhealthy relationships and their impact on our overall mental, emotional, and physical well-being.
References:
Flirt. (2021). Dictionary.com. Retrieved from https://www.dictionary.com/browse/flirt
Ethical. (2021). Dictionary.com. Retrieved from https://www.dictionary.com/browse/ethical
