What’s All This Talk About Attachment And Boundaries?

Written by: Katrina Kuzyszyn-Jones, Psy.D., Executive Contributor

Executive Contributors at Brainz Magazine are handpicked and invited to contribute because of their knowledge and valuable insight within their area of expertise.

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If you have read anything about relationships on Psychology Today or watched Tik Tock you’ve probably learned that secure attachment is important for success in a healthy relationship. But what does it really mean? To begin, it is important to understand what attachment is. Attachment is the psychological theory that emotional bonds form between parents and children, and that these bonds affect our adult relationships. However, there are several different types of attachment. The healthiest type of attachment is secure attachment. Secure attachment is a style of attachment in which individuals feel comfortable trusting and relying on others, and they are able to express their needs and feelings openly and safely. People with secure attachment tend to have healthy relationships, both romantic and platonic. 

You may ask yourself, how does secure attachment develop? Secure attachment typically develops in parental relationships. This is where the caregiver is consistently available and responsive to the child’s needs. In contrast, insecure attachment develops in parental relationships where the caregiver is unavailable, inconsistent, or unresponsive to the child’s needs. Trauma can be a significant disruption in developing a secure attachment. Children who experience trauma in their parental relationships, specifically repeated trauma, are more likely to develop insecure attachment. Notably, insecure attachment can have long-term effects for children’s physical and mental health, as well as their relationships with others. 

Boundaries are ways that we can set limits in order to protect ourselves and our overall well-being. Having healthy relationships in our lives allows us to have close and meaningful relationships with those around us, and form new healthy relationships, while also maintaining our own sense of identity and autonomy. Secure attachment and boundaries are closely related. People with secure attachment are more likely to have healthy boundaries, and vice versa. This is because people with secure attachment feel comfortable trusting themselves and others, which makes it easier to set and maintain healthy boundaries. Setting healthy boundaries can occur in a variety of settings and relationships including friendships, work relationships, and romantic relationships. 

Here are some examples of healthy boundaries:

• Saying no to requests when you don’t have the time or energy to fulfill them 

• Communicating your needs and expectations clearly

• Standing up for yourself when you feel mistreated or that your time is not being valued

• Respecting the boundaries of others 
  

Importantly, poor boundaries can have a negative impact on all aspects of your life, including your relationships, your career, and your health. For instance, having the mindset of people pleasing can quickly lead to burnout and anxiety. Overextending yourself can lead to stress, anxiety, and overall physical and mental health problems. Not setting healthy boundaries such as not clearly communicating your needs can lead to conflict and resentment in your relationships. And not standing up for yourself can lead to you being mistreated and taken advantage. 

Here are some examples of poor boundaries:

• People pleasing: This is when you put the needs of others before your own, even if it is harmful to you 

• Overextending yourself: This is when you take on too much responsibility or agree to things that you don’t have time for

• Not communicating your needs which can quickly lead to resentment and frustration

• Not standing up for yourself which can lead to you being taken advantage of
  

If you have poor boundaries, it is important to begin working on setting and maintaining healthy boundaries. Setting healthy boundaries can be challenging and is often easier said than done. However, it is worth it in the long run.

To get you started, here are a few tips for setting healthy boundaries in your life: 

• Identify your needs and values. Identify what is important to you. Identify what you need in order to feel happy and healthy.

• Clearly communicate your needs and expectations. Be open and honest with others about what you need and expect from them. 

• Be prepared to say no. Remind yourself that it is okay to say no to requests, even if they come from people you care about. 

• Respect the boundaries of others. Do not try to control or manipulate others. 

• Practice self-compassion. Be kind to yourself and accept that you are not perfect. 

• Seek support from others. Talk to a therapist or counselor about people pleasing tendencies and overextending yourself. They can help you identify your needs and values, develop healthy communication skills, and learn how to assert yourself. 

• To avoid overextending yourself, take a step back and ask yourself if you have the time or the energy to take on the task. 

• Remind yourself that it is okay to ask for help and you do not have to manage all stressors alone. 
  

If you find yourself having poor boundaries, engaging in people pleasing behaviors, or overextending yourself, it is important to remember that these behaviors can be harmful because it can lead to anxiety, burnout, and resentment. It can also make people more vulnerable to abuse. Remember, you deserve to be treated with respect! You deserve to have your needs met and you deserve to have healthy relationships!

For more information about Dr. Katrina visit here website, Facebook, and Dr. Katrina Kuzyszyn-Jones | LinkedIn, KKJ @ The Purpose Center (@kkjpurposecenter) • Instagram photos and videos.

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Katrina Kuzyszyn-Jones, Psy.D., Executive Contributor Brainz Magazine

With over 20 years of clinical experience, Dr. Katrina Kuzyszyn-Jones owns and operates The Purpose Center. She has a master’s degree in forensic psychology and a doctorate in clinical psychology. She has taught undergraduate and graduate students in forensic and clinical psychology. After opening KKJ Forensic and Psychological Services in 2011, she focused her practice on helping individuals, parents and families navigate separation and divorce through highly contentious court involved cases and collaborative divorce. She is trained in Collaborative Divorce, and as a Parenting Coordinator and Certified Family Financial Mediator. Over the years, she expanded her practice to training and supervising other mental health clinicians in providing co-parenting services, individual and family therapy, couples counseling, reunification therapy, custody evaluations and parenting evaluations, and other court ordered evaluations. While the entire practice focuses on preventing the trauma associated with high conflict divorce, Dr. Katrina has shifted her individual focus to leading people and systems to develop their personal and professional health and growth. Her mission is to help people develop their purpose through health, growth, and leadership. This includes helping professionals reduce their stress and bring more purpose and focus into their lives.