What Is Wrong with Me? Understanding Attachment Survival and the Path Back to Dignity
- Brainz Magazine
- Jan 19
- 5 min read
Written by Gemma Gains, Director
Gemma Gains is a Space Holder and Facilitator in the world of healing and transformation. She specializes in the subtleties of reading and harnessing energy.
I have worked as a Holistic Therapist for some years now, and I can assure you there is absolutely nothing “wrong” with you. I have often felt like an alien on planet Earth, utterly bewildered by the way things are. This led to an unwavering curiosity and fascination with humans, their lives, and the stories they tell. And there is a story that every human tells. The one that makes them “make sense”.
Being an intuitive is like a kingfisher piercing the surface of water to catch a fish. You pluck the truth from the stories people tell themselves.
So, what are you really asking?
"How do I orient myself in a world that feels unstable, without losing my dignity, safety, or sense of self?"
Humans are selfish by nature. We are wired to survive. We have core needs such as biological, safety, social, psychological, and emotional, growth, and fulfilment.
If any of these are threatened, we start to engage in a plethora of learned behaviours.
Humans are wired to be accepted by the “tribe”. Being rejected often meant danger or death. The fear of lions, tigers, and bears, “oh my”, is gone, but what remains is the very real fear of being ostracised.
“It’s not you, it’s me”
It is a known fact that children will blame themselves rather than their parents.
To remain in attachment, because believing that their caregivers, the ones who sustain life as they know it, are unsafe, neglectful, or rejecting, the child’s brain orients to attachment over truth.
If you started your existence in this format, there is a high chance that you are still living it if you are dissatisfied with life.
Discernment doesn’t mean disconnect
Your attachment to behaviours, places, people, and things can tell you so much about yourself. We all have our strong attachments. Some people call them addictions. I call them relationships.
My strongest attachment to people, places, and things was alcohol, and it started when I was very, very young. I think I was five or six when I started drinking in secret, and this continued late into my 30s. Now, I do not drink at all. I am not even interested in it, and not from a place of “I will never have”.
The relationship is over
For an attachment to have power, there must be a need that fuels it. Mine was escapism. My reality was too painful. When I drank alcohol, I separated myself from myself. Even a sip of a strong spirit was enough to separate me from my body, from my truth.
As a child, I could not stop the truth of my body. I knew what I was living was wrong, and the only way I could change it was by changing my state.
I now live by my body’s truth and do not need the relationship to continue. I started a new relationship with myself that was based on a foundational principle I had never observed.
Dignity, the foundation of life
Dignity is the inherent worth of a person, the sense that you matter, that you deserve respect, and that your humanity has value, regardless of status, behaviour, or circumstances.
Our sense of self is gradually eroded to be accepted. Self in society has become a strange, superficial consumerism. Everything is marketed in a rainbow of colours to imply individuality, yet we follow fashions and trends.
Often, we lose our dignity, completely dissociating from meaning, value, or humanity, in search of the very thing we are chasing.
When people come to me questioning themselves, I see opportunity. This is dignity rising. This feels scary and discombobulating because your survival instinct levels are also increasing.
Discernment without disconnection
From observation, I see a rise in people disconnecting from parents and family dynamics, alongside a huge rise in consumerism, trends, and societal “norms” that are clearly not meeting basic needs. This leaves individuals looking to social media and influencer culture for stability and routine.
I believe this is increasing society’s survival instincts. People are falling into the arms of communities, groups, and movements that promise belonging and safety. Influencer culture is superficial and illusory, based on likes, follows, and mass acceptance.
A foundation built on fickle-mindedness can only create an unstable reality.
Many are coping by increasing attachments that fill the void created in childhood. People are turning to spirituality for meaning, science for answers, news for clarity, and media for belonging, filling their psyche with information.
Needs still unmet
The problem with information is that it does not parent you. Children do not learn from information. Children learn through inspiration and imitation. Imitation helps children learn quickly and safely, without trial and error.
Our reality is full to the brim with superficial “leaders,” all clamouring to be heard and seen, who claim authority and promise outcomes with no transparency or follow-through. They are powered by their own attachments.
To reparent ourselves, to work through the shame and pure anguish of being rejected, is the work. Your inner child will always be the one controlling your most primitive instincts. To reparent yourself with dignity and discernment does not mean disconnection or isolation.
Thriving makes sense
We were never taught to lead ourselves, to engage discernment, or to be treated with dignity. We were never taught to sense ourselves. This was never imitated for us by our caregivers or our peers. For most, this is a complete unknown.
We must model this for one another. To become beacons of authenticity. Humans who tell stories that inspire instead of inform.
The greatest healing attribute I bestowed on myself was learning to look at my life with genuine curiosity. When I asked myself how I felt about the people, places, and things in my life, all the answers were there.
Collapse the character
My first relationship was alcohol. It was my priority. I spent my whole life trying to escape my pain. Once I was brave enough to recognise that I was losing my dignity by continuing my relationship with alcohol, the attachment collapsed.
Lying, cheating, eating, over-explaining, isolation, sexing, manipulating, losing weight, whatever it is for you, is the answer you are looking for. All behaviour and relationships are forms of communication. Addictions are demonised when they should be conversed with.
So stop asking what is wrong with you, and start asking what you need to thrive. Living in survival is not dignity.
Read more from Gemma Gains
Gemma Gains, Director
Gemma is a space holder, guiding you as a compassionate, protective, and dedicated shepherd through the subtle energies of your field. With patience and wisdom, Gemma uses her intuitive card readings, deep conversation, and body work to help release blockages and heal generational traumas, realigning your energetic flow. Drawing on principles of quantum physics, Gemma can help you understand how your inner world reflects your relationships with yourself, others, and the Earth. As your unwavering guide, Gemma is dedicated to supporting you in returning to a "right" relationship with yourself, while leaving you with full autonomy over your healing journey. Her intention is to empower you to reconnect with your true self and cultivate harmony within your body, energy, and the world around you.
