What Is Sex Coaching? And How I Work With Men
- Feb 1, 2023
- 4 min read
Updated: Mar 1, 2023
Written by: Iryna Sulim, Executive Contributor
Executive Contributors at Brainz Magazine are handpicked and invited to contribute because of their knowledge and valuable insight within their area of expertise.
I enjoy watching people's faces when I tell them I am a sex coach. The reactions are priceless. Some people turn around almost 360 with their eyes wide open and exclaim: "Oh, you are?! Wow, how did you get into this?". Some start making fun of imagining me coaching a couple and giving instructions to the couple about positions, angels, etc. Some want to know more, and some brush it off and want to move on to the next topic.
But there is always a little bit of trepidation or slight embarrassment I feel coming from people when they hear me talk more about what I do. Not many can go deep into a conversation about intimacy and sex. And it is not surprising to me at all. When you start talking to someone about intimacy and sexuality, you bond with this person almost forever. It is a very vulnerable topic.
What is sex coaching? Or at least the way I do it.
In my practice, I use talking (almost like therapy, Gestalt therapy in my case) and embodiment practices(meditations, breathwork) to guide a person through what tends to be their desire or intention and what stands in the way of it. We talk a lot about their sexual desires, needs, and challenges. We go a bit into their sexual history but not a lot, as coaching isn't therapy. We say words like penis, vagina, pussy, etc. out loud because through speaking, we normalize sharing about these parts of our body with no emotional (usually shame) charge. Or rather, there is an attitude of reverence and honoring that I coach my clients to experience towards the intimate parts of their bodies. And usually, the best way to feel such honoring is through an embodiment practice ‒ through a conscious self-pleasure, conscious touch practice. I record these practices for my clients and prescribe them as home plays. I encourage my clients to be ok with feeling different emotions and sensations. We work with the body (emotions, feelings), mind, and spirit in connection, meaning I ask my client to feel into different parts of themselves and share what it is like. As we all know, sex is an experience of the body, and the more we allow ourselves to feel not only pleasure but the whole spectrum of emotions and sensations (pain and sadness, too), the deeper and more diverse the experience will be. And ultimately more fulfilling.
I help my clients think of sex, eroticism, and intimacy as a very natural, innocent, and pure human experience because it is.
The sessions are happening online through zoom, with clothes on. I do not guide my clients through masturbation; there is no nudity or explicit touch. All the self-pleasure practices are done in the privacy of their homes to previously created recordings.
My main focus with my male clients is to make sure that they feel comfortable and safe to share whatever they come to me for and that the environment I create for them is shame and judgment-free. And this alone is unbelievably supportive for them.
The range of problems and/or intentions that my clients come to me for is quite wide, from performance anxiety to learning and mastering skills of a conscious lover (i.e., becoming multiorgasmic and training the body to experience non-ejaculatory orgasms), to learning communication patterns with women and what turns women on. Men who come to work with me don't have to have a problem in this area. It can be merely a desire to be better and improve in the area of intimacy, sex and relationship.
My favorite way to work with my clients is one-on-one. I get to create a customized approach and go really deep with my clients into what they came to me for. We embark on six months to a year-long journey so that the results they rip from working with me aren't just a mental concept they learned, but ingrained in the nervous system, learned through the body. And this takes time.
My methods are based on what I learned from the experts in the field of sexuality and relationship and also – from my own living experience. I am a huge proponent of supporting my clients from a holistic standpoint, which means we look into all other areas of a person's life to address the "issue" in their intimate life. Like I love to say: "How you show up in sex is how you show up in life."
Iryna Sulim, Executive Contributor Brainz Magazine
Iryna Sulim is a Sex, Love and Relationship Coach who is inspiring men and women to find their truth and power through the portal of sexuality. In the last 7 years, Iryna has been focusing on helping men heal shame around performance anxiety, so they can be confident and conscious lovers. Iryna also shares her wisdom with women and couples. Her extensive expertise stems from her studies with many premier teachers and healers, including Layla Martin, Charles Muir, Om Rupani, Sasha Cobra, Lynda Caesara, Chris Bale, Gillian Potthier and more. Iryna is first and foremost a practitioner of Tantric Arts. She lives in Mill Valley, CA with her beloved partner and a baby boy.
