What Can A Toxic Relationship Look Like? Exclusive Interview With Dr. Leslie Davis

Brainz Magazine Exclusive Interview

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Dr. Leslie Davis is a Licensed Clinical Professional Counselor, National Certified Counselor, and Relationship Coach in O’Fallon, IL. Using an emotion-focused approach, she empowers women and youth with tools to improve their relationships and self-esteem while coping with anxiety and depression. Her podcast, She Matters with Dr. Leslie Davis, empowers single moms around the world to develop healthy attachments, with the goal of reducing depression and suicidal ideation.

As the Founder and Executive Director of Hearts in Faith, NFP, Dr. Davis brings awareness to and addresses the experiences of single mothers, single fathers, and youth. In response to the needs of the community, she developed a thriving youth violence prevention program called Heart Beats that assists youth deemed to be violent offenders involved with the juvenile justice system. Her 12 years of crisis management as a Licensed Child Welfare Worker in Illinois have allowed her to impact numerous

youth and families involved with the Illinois Department of Children and Family Services.

Dr. Davis holds a BA in Sociology from Wheaton College and an MA in Professional Counseling from McKendree University. She is the second doctor in her family, following her mother’s footsteps, from Regent University, as she holds a Doctorate of Philosophy in Counseling and Psychological Studies with a concentration on Marriage and Family Ministry. Her favorite way to practice self-care is training as a Blue belt in Brazilian jiu-jitsu at 10th Planet O’Fallon, IL.

Photo by: C-Dot Visuals

We will dig deeper into your work below, but could you start by introducing yourself and who Dr. Leslie Davis is as a person?

I am a single mother to an amazing heart warrior named Judah who loves to call me Boss Mom. I am a woman of faith, strong-willed, and full of fire. As an Orthodox Christian, my faith guides me in all that I do, providing me with purpose and direction. One of my favorite quotes that perfectly describes me is “though she be but little, she is fierce.” I’m a tiny woman standing at only 4’11” and once I set my mind and heart to accomplish a goal, I don’t allow anything, including my own fears, to deter me from my purpose. I always seek to find the good in others to empower them to see the good within themselves.

You have so many impressive and inspiring titles and degrees. Would you like to tell us about your success story and how you ended up where you are today?

I am a single mom who was raised by a single mom. My mother, also known as Dr. Davis, modeled how to be a Strong Black Woman, and I carry the strength she gave me into my life’s work. At the age of 13, my life’s purpose was revealed to me. I knew then that I had a natural gift of helping others resolve concerns within their relationships, as friends and sometimes adults would ask me for advice. This is when I was introduced to the idea of becoming a counselor. As I pursued various degrees, I was always challenged to write down my goals and reasons for pursuing the degrees. I still have these essays and recently took some time to reflect on what I’ve written. It’s amazing to see how I’ve been able to stay on the path to earning a PhD, start a private practice as a psychotherapist, develop a relationship coaching business, and do it all against the odds as a Black single mother in America. I know without a doubt it is by the grace of God that I have accomplished my goals, and as my grandmother said, “God is able.”

Single parents, especially single mothers, feel worse and worse psychologically every year. Mental illness and suicidal thoughts are becoming more common. What can the common man do to support these women and bring attention to the stigma that exists regarding talking about the ill health of single mothers?

First, it’s important to know that asking the single mom if she is thinking about suicide does not put the idea in her head to go forth with the act. In fact, asking the question opens the door for connection, which is what she needs. Supporting a single mother in need of connection requires a sense of empathy. You may not understand her experience but being empathetic will create a sense of safety for her to know someone cares and is concerned about her well-being. Many survivors of suicide will say that when they felt at their lowest and finally attempted self-harm, it was because they felt a lack of connection to others. They may have been surrounded by friends and family, but they didn’t feel connected. This is the reason it is so important for a friend or loved one to ask the question and create a connection, because the single mom who presents herself as strong may in fact be very broken inside.

What can a toxic relationship look like?

Toxicity in relationships can be very crafty and often misinterpreted by the victim in the relationship. Toxic behaviors can initially appear as a deep concern by your partner, which can easily turn into controlling behavior. Toxic relationships may initially appear to be full of passion, but at some point in the relationship, passion becomes fuel for the fire that burns the heart and soul. Toxic behaviors committed by you or your partner sometimes lead to intimate partner violence, which is unquestionably toxic.

You will know you’re in a toxic relationship if the person you become in the relationship is not the person you want to be. Your friends and family may comment on how much you’ve changed, and you will likely ignore their comments until you look in the mirror and you no longer recognize whom you see. That’s when it’s time to hit control-alt-delete, and reboot yourself.

Can you give us 3 tips on how to identify and establish healthy connections?

There are many aspects to consider when identifying a healthy connection, but here are three simple keys:

• A key to knowing you have developed a healthy connection is having a sense that you can be who you truly are without judgment. There will be a sense of peace when you are with or without the person.

• A healthy connection will challenge you as well as give you nourishment to grow and develop in various areas of your life, especially the parts of yourself that have been hidden.

• In order to establish healthy connections, one must release anxiety and fear associated with past relationships that have been damaging. Seek partnership with individuals who display a healthy attachment style.

Photo by: C-Dot Visuals

Tell us more about your program Heart Beats! How does it work?

Heart Beats is a 12-week youth violence prevention program that I developed to empower male and female teens who have participated in violence as a witness, victim, or perpetrator. Youth are empowered with tools to help them to develop healthy connections with themselves, their family and peers. Parental involvement is mandatory in order for the youth to graduate from the program.

A few topics covered in the program include communication skills, the cycle of violence, healthy vs. toxic relationships, the cycle of anger, empathy vs. sympathy, building healthy connections, etc. The majority of youth who have participated in the program were court-ordered to the program due to committing violent crimes. They have been deemed aggressive offenders by society and the court system, but I see them as individuals who have been broken and deserve the opportunity to heal and develop healthy relationships.

You have a Blue belt in Brazilian jiu-jitsu, which is really impressive! When and why did you start practising this sport?

I began my jiu-jitsu journey in 2017, the year I committed to finding an avenue to develop strength in all areas (mind, body, and soul) and jiu-jitsu did that for me. I remember entering the 10th Planet Jiu Jitsu academy in O’Fallon, IL, not knowing a soul in the room or what to do. The instructor that day was a young man named Jason, whom I now call my brother, and he showed me a basic move called “shrimping.” It was awkward, moving my body in a way I had never moved before. But within a few minutes of training, I was committed to the journey of learning this amazing martial art called jiu-jitsu, also known as “the gentle art.” I remember experiencing an awakening to a deeper sense of confidence, strength, and fearlessness, and I never wanted to lose that feeling. Not only has jiu-jitsu provided me with strength and empowerment, but jiu-jitsu also provides an opportunity for connection with others and myself. I’ve been on this journey for five years, and I’m certain I’ll continue training jiu-jitsu for the rest of my life.

Finally, what are your next steps in your career and how can someone get in contact with you?

As a single mom who struggled for many years in toxic relationships, my mission is to empower single mothers around the world to develop healthy connections. Since earning my doctorate in Counseling and Psychological Studies from Regent University in Virginia Beach, Virginia, I have enjoyed various avenues to connect with women seeking healing from toxic relationships. Whether it be connecting with women one-on-one during therapy or relationship coaching or engaging a room full of women who want to create stronger connections through sisterhood, my desire is to make a global impact on women in need of empowerment. In 2023 I would love to speak with more women in intimate settings to empower them in their journey of healing from toxic relationships.

You can connect with me via email, Instagram, and Facebook. My contact information

can be found on my website www.ldcoachingandconsulting.com