Want to Beat the Patriarchy? – Welcome to the Control Delusion
- Brainz Magazine
- Sep 4, 2025
- 6 min read
Updated: Sep 5, 2025
Written by Catherine Skinner, Female Empowerment Coach
Catherine Skinner is a female empowerment coach focused on the global issues that disproportionately impact women. Her vision is that every woman can discover her full potential by cultivating self-compassion, connecting with authenticity and living life on purpose.
The idea behind the Control Delusion is similar to the Illusion of Control. This is the theory that in modern life, most people believe they have more control over their own lives than they actually do, and this is applicable to both men and women. This is relevant to magical thinking, i.e., believing that you can influence outcomes through repetition or certain behaviours, like in gambling or sports, but it also shows up in how we plan and live our lives. The illusion of control is a key tool used by capitalism in advertising. It's the idea that if you engage in a service or product that you will be able to control an area you ultimately have no influence over. Obvious examples are how buying certain cosmetics or skincare products will make you more attractive and therefore lovable. The way that luxury items like cars are also selling a lifestyle and a perceived level of success and freedom. What we want is the sense of freedom, love, success, and belonging, but what we are doing is investing in things to make these states real, even though they don't work.
What is the control delusion?
The Control Delusion perspective is specific to women because it is the belief that if we work hard enough and do everything right, eventually we will succeed. We do this knowing that things are harder for women, we know there is inequality, so we accept that we will have to work harder than men to succeed, but we believe that eventually we will. Now, what that looks like is different for everyone, but you only need to take the obvious example of motherhood to recognise the control delusion as a clear mechanism of patriarchy.
Case of the motherhood penalty
Becoming a mother is evidently, anecdotally, and blatantly harmful to your physical and mental health, wealth, relationships, and career prospects. No one really spells that out for you until you have children. It's actually a trap. The motherhood penalty is real. The control delusion aspect of this is the idea that if we can make our way up to a stable position at work, say manager, for example, create a healthy relationship with a reliable partner, save some money, and be a good employee, then everything will be fine. The truth is that you can do all those things, but you are still more vulnerable than you may think.
What about our protections and rights?
Pregnant Then Screwed has data confirming that over 75% of women who want to return to work after having children face maternity discrimination. But "what about all of the maternity protections and benefits that our foremothers fought so hard to win for us in the first and second waves of feminism?", I hear you cry. Yeah, about that, so it turns out that it all depends on whether your employer is bothered about any of that stuff. If you want to come back to work in the UK with some level of flexibility, for example, to work 4 instead of 5 days a week, you have to apply to your employer, and they can just say no. Whilst the law changed in 2024 to make the process more transparent, women do not have the legal right to flexible working once they become mothers. If your employer says no, the only way you can appeal is if there was some problem with the process that was carried out, but other than that, I'm afraid you may hear the expression "the law has no teeth," which is what I was told before hanging up the phone to the imminent cries of my firstborn after his morning nap. That was a fun day.
Wait for it
"Well, I'm sure it all worked out in the end and you're back on track now." The truth is that it is, as you might imagine, a lot more complicated than that. For me that's a longer story for another time, but if you want to look at the stats, here are some doozies. According to data from The Women's Budget Group the majority of people in elder poverty in the UK are women (estimates are around 70%), the Office for National Statistics (ONS) still finds that women are consistently paid less (the pay gap in the UK is 7-14% from full to part time workers), we also have to work longer and are more likely to retire past the age of 70 (Age UK 2024). We are more likely to be in lower-paid work, such as the caring professions, less likely to have savings to fall back on, and more likely to be in debt (Fair4AllFinance 2025).
Know your worth
We are essentially in more precarious positions than men and also taking on the lion's share of unpaid domestic and childcare that props up the economies of the US, Canada, Australia, New Zealand and all of the EU. If you want to learn more, the International Labour Organisation (ILO) has published extensive research on this topic alone. According to a 2024 brief, globally, an estimated 708 million women are outside the labour force due to unpaid care responsibilities, compared to only 40 million men. Other research from the Workplace Gender Equality Agency in Australia found that women spend a significantly larger portion of their day on unpaid care work than men. This vital unpaid work constitutes a huge amount of uncounted contribution to national economies, currently estimated by the ILO at 9% of global GDP, which is around $11 trillion US dollars.
Fit for purpose
This is all before we start to talk about the impact on your physical and mental health. The Maternal Mental Health Alliance (MMHA) in the UK found that antenatal depression now affects 1 in 4 new mothers. On top of that, the chances of living with chronic pain and other complications from pregnancy or childbirth are high, but unknown because nobody bothered to ask. Multiple studies show that even if your employer is supportive and welcomes you back to work, your earning potential will almost certainly decrease. Whilst if you have a fully functioning male partner on the scene, expect to see his earnings increase. Becoming a mother is financially a very bad idea, but becoming a father is a-okay. A report by the Institute for Fiscal Studies found that mothers in the UK earn 33% less per hour than fathers by the time their first child turns 20. On the flip side, the 'fatherhood bonus' means that having a child can actually boost a man's earnings, with some research finding that new fathers earn an average of 6% more than their childless counterparts. Great.
Intersectionality
We haven't even touched on intersectionality and how women of colour are more at risk simply accessing healthcare from providers. In the UK, Afro/Caribbean mothers are three times more likely to die in childbirth than white mothers. MBRRACE-UK has published multiple reports on this, but these figures have shockingly remained the same for years. In healthcare research, the female body was only included as recently as the 1990s. Prior to that, women were viewed as "little men" by the Western medical research institutions. It wasn't until the National Institutes of Health (NIH) Revitalization Act of 1993 in the US that the inclusion of women and minorities in federally funded clinical research was even formally mandated into law.
What can we do?
This is just the tip of the iceberg. Our main grievances in respect of The Control Delusion are in the areas of health, wealth/finance, relationships, career options, political representation, education, gender-based violence, social justice and civil and human rights. I mean, you know, just the main things. It's also vital to view all of this through the lens of intersectionality. The way these inequalities are experienced is unique to every woman. Race, ethnicity, class, sexual orientation, disability, immigration status and geographic location all intersect to make our experiences of patriarchy different for each of us. If we want to beat it, we need to do it together by shining a light on all of the inequalities and discrimination we face so we know what we're up against, but we also need the skills and knowledge to understand how to meet it. That has to start with us. It starts with showing ourselves compassion, with being our most authentic selves and following our purpose. It's not always easy, but it's always better. If you want to get on board, I recommend it, but it will affect every decision you ever make.
The Control Delusion, A Guide to Beat Patriarchy One Decision at a Time by Catherine Skinner is out in 2026.
Follow her on Instagram @aspirewomencoaching, YouTube, and Substack for updates and info on the release date.
Read more from Catherine Skinner
Catherine Skinner, Female Empowerment Coach
Catherine Skinner is an expert in the field of female empowerment. A Director in the non-profit sector for 15 years, she has worked with thousands of women experiencing different challenges, from breast cancer to domestic abuse. Having reached burnout herself in 2024, she founded her own coaching practice to deal with the issues that disproportionately affect women. From burnout to being a victim of violence, women are more likely to experience these issues worldwide. Catherine’s work creates conversations, communities and safe spaces for women to share, learn and discover their full potential.
