‘Tis The Season to Be Triggered – Navigating Early Recovery During the Holiday Season
- Brainz Magazine
- 4 days ago
- 6 min read
For nearly 14 years, I've helped individuals navigate the complex landscape of addiction in order to achieve recovery. Nicknamed "The Casual Counselor", my approach is unconventional but undeniably effective.
I remember it like it was yesterday. Thanksgiving with the family. For the first couple of years of my recovery, I had opted out of family gatherings, they were just too overwhelming when combined with the guilt and feelings of being “othered” or “less than” when in the presence of my family. Don’t get me wrong, I love my family. But after the trail of wreckage I had created in the midst of my problematic substance use over more than a decade, I was always received by my loved ones with a modicum of tentativeness, suspicion, and feeling like an outsider in the home I grew up in. A stranger in a strange land. The sick person. No one wants to feel like a sick person.
But once I was a couple of years into becoming “healthier Josh”, I felt like I was ready to make my triumphant return to the invitation of the holiday feast. I remember walking in, feeling solid. Head held high, confident, and truly grateful to see many of the relatives whom I had not seen in literal years. Many of my family members enjoy drinking wine while gathered around the Thanksgiving dinner table, and I immediately noticed that there was no wine. There was water, sparkling cider, and various soft drinks, but not a bottle of booze to be seen.
And I knew that the absence of the wine was because of my presence at the gathering.
As well-intended as the sentiment was, it made me feel very apart from, rather than a part of, the celebration. Knowing that I was a person navigating the road of recovery, one that included no consumption of alcohol or other substances, I knew that the absence of those bottles was because “the sick guy” was going to be there. The mind-job was this, it was done as an act of graciousness and love. My family did not want me to feel triggered by being in the presence of people who were drinking, and they had gotten together to plan a “dry” Thanksgiving on my behalf.
The sick guy.
As loving as their motives were, they had missed a critical component in making the dinner a dry affair, they had never asked me anything about it. They had discussed it without me, never asking me if I would be comfortable or uncomfortable with other family members, without problematic issues related to drinking, if I would be okay in the presence of those bottles and the wine glasses that had always been placed around the table. They had taken it upon themselves to decide for me, and it is not an uncommon story to hear from other people navigating sobriety, but it is one that hurts, nevertheless. Why does it hurt? It hurts to not be asked, because when a sober person is not included in a decision like this, it reinforces the feeling of being “the sick guy”.
The holiday season is a difficult time for people in general, but it is a particularly difficult time for those in recovery, especially early recovery, most of all. What do the holidays bestow upon this American culture? A lot. Consumption. Spending. Reunions. Gatherings. Parties. Events that often include people drinking or using drugs in a celebratory fashion. It can be a very triggering pile of encounters and stress. People in recovery need to approach with caution. As much as it can feel overwhelming being in a room full of people sipping cocktails or champagne, what is even more overwhelming is being in a room full of people we are related to, our family.
Our family members. They installed our buttons, and they know how to push ’em, even if it is not their intent. Just being in the room with family members brings up a whole host of feelings within us that can just feel like it is all too much. And, often, it is too much. Many of my clients, when the holiday season approaches, are very ambivalent about the thought of spending hours in the presence of their relatives, regardless of whether or not there are drinks being served. I am in the habit of encouraging them to opt out if they are feeling unsure about attending family gatherings, in fear of being perceived and received as “the sick person”.
So, how do we navigate this time of year? In recovery circles, this time of year is often referred to as “The Trifecta”, the three biggies – Thanksgiving, Christmas (if you celebrate it), and New Year's. It is important that we approach this time of year with a plan in place. This is the time of year when my own practice tends to ramp up, and the correlation to the holidays is an obvious factor in my phone ringing with a person on the other end of the line asking for help. Planning. It is not just a helpful idea, it is a vital one. It is a situation that can have life and death consequences if we do not approach it with safety at the forefront.
With respect to gatherings, involving family members or not, we must ask ourselves with brutal honesty if we even feel ready to attend the invite. Should we decide to attend, bringing a “recovery buddy” with us, someone to serve as a second set of eyes and ears for us, is a healthy way to approach an environment that will likely involve some level of intoxicated guests.
Having someone at the ready who we can call upon, a person whom we feel safe dialing up if an event starts to feel like it is just too much for us to handle, is another healthy option with respect to planning. Excusing ourselves to a quiet place amidst a room full of party-goers so we can speak to an ally, a helper, and share how we are doing is worth its weight in gold. You would be amazed at the value of one person in recovery connecting with another, and the therapeutic value that it holds.
One of the most important plans that we can construct for ourselves is how to make a quick exit if it all starts to feel like it is too much, and an event that is going to put our recovery at risk.
Whether it is letting the host or hostess know that we are feeling overwhelmed, making the old “Irish Exit” and just ghosting the event, or bending the truth and faking an illness, getting the hell out of there should always be at the forefront of our thoughts and our planning.
The fact of the matter is this, many people experience a return to a drink or a drug during this time of year. Combined with the stress of the season, being in the presence of family members and friends who are absolutely going to trigger a mixed bag of feelings within us when we are sharing space with them, or being treated as “the sick person” when we are actually feeling very healthy and solid in our recovery journey, is just plain difficult. I do not care who you are. Our emotional, reactive mind always has the power to overshadow our thinking, thoughtful mind when considering how to cope with stressful situations. Even if we are good “leaders” by nature, any one of us can easily become a “joiner” when we are in the presence of loved ones who happen to be imbibing pleasurable substances.
The hard capital “T” truth is this, and it can be a tough pill to swallow. If we are new to this recovery journey, we might just not be quite ready to partake in all the revelry of the season. Setting a difficult boundary of telling mom and dad that we are going to be spending Thanksgiving or Christmas with friends in recovery, or with other people who are not going to push those buttons and open up the Pandora’s Box of feelings that our families do, is a difficult boundary to set.
But if we still lack the tools to navigate the stressors of the holiday season, setting the boundary of “opting out” and saying no to an invitation to celebrate with loved ones might be a difficult decision that can literally save your life.
And if we have luck on our side, continue working on being healthier versions of ourselves, and prioritizing our recovery. Remember, there is always next year. Sometimes, a FaceTime visit at the family gathering while we are in the physical company of safer individuals can be a good alternative to making the trek.
Over the fields and through the woods, the grandmother’s house we do not go. Stay safe. And happy holidays from JBJ Counseling.
Read more from Joshua Bennett-Johnson
Joshua Bennett-Johnson, Licensed Counselor & Owner of JBJ Counseling
After working for 7 years in an amazing clinic, I launched into private practice in 2018. I love my job. I can say that without reservation. Watching people rebuild their lives is something that is worth more than any dollar amount.
