The No-Man’s-Land Week – 5 Ways to Prepare for Telling Your Partner You Want a Divorce After New Year
- Brainz Magazine
- 2 minutes ago
- 8 min read
Jennie Sutton is passionate when it comes to Divorce! She is the founder of the online platform, untyingtheknot.me. Here, she offers a one-stop shop for women as an accredited finance, divorce, and domestic abuse coach and in-person court coach, assisting women in rebuilding their lives with confidence.
Christmas has ended. The outdoor lights continue to shine but your inner self remains completely still. The seven days between Christmas and New Year create a strange period, it’s almost like life and events are frozen in time. It’s that surreal period between Christmas and regular life. The festive spirit of the world is on a temporary pause, waiting for its numerous capital cities to bring in the New Year.
Yet this no-man’s-land week can create a turning point for my clients that I assist through my work as a Relationship, Divorce, Domestic Abuse, and Courtroom Coach.
The week transforms into a personal countdown for those words, "I need a divorce", to be shared. It’s a phrase that packs a huge emotional punch, because this request may have taken years, even decades to formulate. The previous attempts of rebuilding, repair or the continuous management of the relationship is no longer enough. Something is missing.
The No-Man's-Land week can feel like a crystal ball moment. It’s a fine balance of avoiding agitating the Christmas magic that’s gone before and the need to have a truthful upcoming conversation in the New Year. It’s about having a sensitive delivery of the message which can set a smooth intension rather than exacerbating the barometer of emotions. There is the desire to avoid destroying the Christmas and New Year celebration through your words.
This process of waiting creates its own unique form of mental wellness challenge. Two words that are not often put together. Yet, you’re wanting the outcome to be received in the best possible way whilst knowing that there is an opposite for the person receiving the message. It’s a drawbridge that you must cross.
Nonetheless, the seven days ahead of you can serve as a period for emotional stabilisation, protection and preparation for what is to come. This period can serve to establish mental clarity instead of creating conflict. It can assist you in honing your own techniques and strategies to embody emotional stability. The time can provide you with further clarity to collect the facts, the logic behind your message. All of this will enable you to don your Teflon suit for what you envisage will unfold in the New Year.
Your North Star statement
It's important at this stage to create your guiding statement, your own North Star. This statement can function as your purpose or direction throughout life. When emotions become intense, you can return to this statement. When guilt attacks, you can immediately think about this statement. When your partner asks, "But why now?" you can answer with this statement. The statement protects you, it’s part of your Teflon suit, it keeps you grounded, and it stops you getting lost in the emotional storms that may follow.
The divorce message
Let’s drill down into the message. The why, the what, and the how.
Firstly, think of this message as a headline, like that used in an email.
Own the statement: “I’ve come to a decision about our relationship.”
Now into the ‘why’: “This is an incredibly tough conversation, but it’s about where I am right now. I want to be honest with you.”
Now the ‘what’: “I’m seeking separation, and my intention is to make this process as peaceful and dignified as possible. I sincerely hope we can find a way to move forward together positively as much as possible.”
Lastly, the ‘how’: “I know this news will raise many emotions, it’s very raw and has just landed with you. Let’s take one step at a time, we don’t have to figure it all out right now. I’m here to listen, and even when we’re both feeling vulnerable and uncertain, we can still make choices.”
This way, you don’t need to go into a complete analysis of the relationship, in fact this needs to be avoided at this initial stage. Otherwise, it could feel like rubbing the verbal salt into your partner’s heart. This is just the opener. To put the single card on the table, knowing that there is time to share and discuss the rest of the deck. There is no rush. In fact, I think it’s the honourable thing to just give each other space, time to reflect and grieve.
The programmes ‘Maybe to Clarity: The Relationship Decision Making Programme’ and ‘I’ve Come to a Decision Programme’, enables all of this to happen with a bit more ease and a guiding hand, to support you as you travel forward.
Defining your off-limits boundaries
Having clear boundaries provides a solid base for effective communication while preventing doubts and guilt. It’s not time for initial negotiation. It’s the line in the sand statement. Your declaration to say that what follows is a new phase, it may be uncomfortable, emotional, and yet as adults with joint life experience, we can get through this together.
As a Divorce Coach and also someone who has walked this path is to not agree to anything. Listen, acknowledge and have a holding statement in your back pocket. Something like, “We don’t need to discuss this now, that’s down the line,” or “We both need time to think about our needs and then come back to the table”. That way, you’re not pledging or compromising yourself in terms of ‘trying to make things better’ and then finding yourself agreeing to matters that fall in the legal or mediation domain.
Here are your communication boundaries that will turn your pain into power.
Determine:
What statements to share and which to avoid during this time.
What subjects need to remain off-limits for discussion.
When to stop the conversation when it becomes too intense.
The maximum time for each conversation.
The chunk up phrases when things get to steer the conversation back on track to minimise arguments, “We both want to be happy and at peace”.
There will be time for more conversations, this is just the starting point. “The past needs to stay there, this is about us moving forward positively and my present decision.” or “We can come back to this conversation when both of us have calmed down and have got some perspective.”
The programmes I offer enable participants to establish boundaries in advance to protect their emotional wellness and enable them to take their control back to handle conversations with confidence instead of fear.
Your safety strategies
Part of being prepared is to get people and information around you before the delivery of your message. This will help you self-regulate afterwards and ensure you have the necessary matrimonial information in case you need to exit the home.
Separation support
Have at least one person in your support team that you can confide in and will hold your trust and confidence. This person needs to be non-judgemental, a support and have your best interest at heart.
Share your plans with this person so they know that if you call or turn up at the doorstep, they will be there for you. This person maybe the one that can offer you a sofa or bed, in case you need to remove yourself from the family home in the initial stages to give space to you and your partner.
Peace and recalibrate
Have a place in the home that you know is your safe haven. A place to relax, reflect and sleep. Light a candle, be present, journal, listen to music or just gaze outside. This will enable you to lean into your emotions and work through them. Emotions are energy in motion, so don’t stuff them down the back of the sofa, embrace and learn more about yourself as a result. This will assist in building self-resilience and reliance as you move through the transition.
Information that belongs to both of you
You’ll need a record of relevant information, so it's best to make records or take photos before the conversation. Things like your marriage certificate, passport, financial records (joint), and store them in a safe place or even the ‘cloud’. Whilst you’re looking and taking records, perhaps consider changing your passwords and logging out of your personal financial accounts and devices.
Focus on the next thirty days only
The process of standing at a major life crossroads can become overwhelming because people start to picture their entire future. That’s too far ahead. Focus on the next month, or even the next week or tomorrow. Bitesize chunks of time are manageable, so be kind to yourself and scale all timeframes back.
By this, I mean avoiding reaching too far out into the future because when you do, uncertainty and worry become your arch enemies to your wellness. You may find you have questions circling your head that just goes on to create further doubt, inability to sleep and rest. These questions become your disablers. You will eventually work it through, just not now.
Questions and phrases like:
What financial consequences will I face?
How will I manage everything by myself?
I need to find a place to live.
What will become of my identity?
Quite honestly, it’s too much. It’s too big. It’s too far away. Use the No-Man’s-Land week to concentrate on the upcoming thirty days instead of thinking about the future and the years ahead.
Answer these questions as an alternative:
Who do I need to contact first?
What helps me maintain stability and calmness?
What information do I need to obtain?
Which actions will enable me to stay organised in bite-sized pieces?
What discussions can be postponed until later?
Short-term clarity serves as the key element in my programmes, which helps you overcome fear and the ‘lack of’ thinking. This is where you can build confidence in a safe space through step-by-step planning, which will foster control to enable you to move forward and cross the ring of fire without getting stuck.
It’s New Year’s Eve
The period between Christmas and New Year feels uncomfortable when you know you need to reveal a truth that will transform your relationship and future. This time will provide an opportunity to find peace through reflection, planning, and inner strength and clarity.
Let me assist you to reframe
You’re not destroying a life, you’re working to create a new one for both you and your partner.
You’re not creating disorder, you’re embracing reality with a different perspective.
Your decision to leave something behind leads you towards discovering yourself.
You will face these seven days and the days that follow, with know-how, the resources, and support, you’re not alone.
The No-Man’s-Land week will enable you to develop into a person who possesses greater strength and clearer direction. Your future self exists on the opposite side of this decision.
Read more from Jennie Sutton
Jennie Sutton, Accredited Women's Divorce & Court Coach
Having experienced her own 30-year marriage end in divorce, Jennie turned her experience into a mission to support other women. As an accredited divorce and family court coach, she supports women who are faced with the additional challenges of domestic abuse. With twenty years as a coach and firsthand insight, she provides reassurance and guidance every step of the way. To Jennie, untying the knot is about finding the end to make a new beginning.
