The Narcissist Behind the Tinder Profile
Written by Roisin Laoise, Counsellor & Psychotherapist
Roisin Laoise is a Counsellor & Psychotherapist who combines professional expertise with lived experience to help readers navigate relationships, health, and personal growth and resilience.
Have you ever been captivated by someone who seemed to be the perfect match, only to discover that their charm was a carefully laid trap? Perhaps the flattery was so intense, the attention so overwhelming, or your instincts kept whispering that something was amiss. Let's delve into the experience of dating a narcissist and the early signs that should raise your caution.
The hook & chase
He didn't even swipe right on me, instead, it started with him blowing up my DMs. "How are you doing? Saw you on Tinder earlier, you looked cute, so I had to add you." It started with this message, then came the consistency of messaging me, which I found flattering, as his persistence was more engaging than that of other guys on the dating app. I had finally found someone who had seen me and wanted to get to know me, or so I thought. I grappled with my sense of low self-worth when transitioning from a teenager to a young woman, as it made me vulnerable, and before I knew it, I had responded, and the chase began.
The flattery continued as he wanted to know the 'real me' and quickly started asking for phone calls, which then led to dates. From the moment we met in person, I felt irresistibly drawn to him. Everything moved at a dizzying pace, and I mistook his flattery for something genuine, a refreshing change from the mundanity of online dating. I became his world overnight, swept up in a whirlwind romance of fantasy.
The cracks begin to show
That fantasy soon ended when the first crack appeared three months into the relationship, when he surprised me with a trip to Paris. As the 'city of love,' it was a picture-perfect moment for me. I felt a deep sense of security and love. Then, a message from his phone caught my eye one day, “Can't wait to cuddle you,” snapping me back to reality. The confusion struck me, from the grand gestures to this supposed new secret he was hiding was the first red flag for me. The trip to Paris, while seemingly romantic, was actually a way for him to control the situation and make me feel indebted to him. When I confronted him, he told me it was “nothing,” a straight, dismissive response that made me feel hurt, as I tried to ignore the nagging insecurity I held within me.
Looking back, it was not the other woman that was the red flag, it was how fast-paced the relationship was moving and his over-persistence toward me. Many would say he was keen, but as time progressed, the constant compliments and admiration became overwhelming. I learned the hard way that a healthy relationship can't be rushed. If there's one thing I would tell my past self, it would be to slow down, set boundaries, and trust your instincts. When something feels off, it probably is. Understanding what a healthy relationship looks like, and what it doesn't, is a lesson I had to learn on my own, and it's a message I hope helps other women who might feel pressured by a chase.
The realisation
It was only after the relationship ended that I could put a name to what I had experienced. As I delved into the depths of Google, terms like “love bombing,” “gaslighting,” and “manipulation” surfaced. As I read these terms, the horrifying reality hit me like a ton of bricks. The heartbreak, the betrayal, it was overwhelming. I was in complete denial that the guy I had fallen for was not emotionally safe. The over-the-top texts, dates, and flying me across the country so early on were all examples of love bombing, a tactic used to sweep me off my feet and make me trust him quicker.
Love bombing, gaslighting & control
Love bombing is a tactic used to overwhelm someone with grand gestures, excessive affection, and constant communication at the beginning of a relationship. For instance, the manipulator might shower you with gifts, constantly text or call you, or plan extravagant dates. The goal is not to form a genuine connection, it's to create an emotional debt, one where you feel quickly attached to the manipulator, thus making you feel like you owe them something. They will quickly make you their “entire world” until the rug is essentially swept from under your feet. This is what is experienced from the quick dates across the country and dramatic gifts. It lures you into this false intimacy that rushes past the normal stage of slowly trusting and getting to know someone, it bypasses your better judgment, making you more susceptible to the manipulation that lies ahead.
Gaslighting makes you question your sanity and your own perception of reality. The example of this was from my own experience of him denying the text as “it’s nothing.” That was a form of gaslighting. The manipulator denies or twists a situation to make you feel that you’re overreacting, crazy, or imagining things. This, over time, creates an ongoing self-doubting cycle that undermines your confidence and makes you more likely to doubt your instincts, which is what happened when my insecurity was amplified. It makes you feel unsafe and keeps you from trusting your own feelings about the relationship.
The cycle of manipulation of a narcissist
The cycle of control is part of a much larger pattern. Love bombing is almost a foundation for creating that false trust. When you see that red flag, the gaslighting kicks in to make you second-guess yourself. Then the manipulator might return to love bombing to “make up” for their behaviour. This creates a push-pull dynamic and is what keeps a victim constantly bidding for the love, as I can put it. You're constantly trying to get back to the initial, intoxicating feeling, which keeps you feeling trapped and desperately seeking validation from the person who is hurting you. The relationship can make you feel very lonely, despite being in a relationship, the connection was not real, it was based on an illusion. The manipulator uses this cycle to maintain control over you, making you feel like you need them and that you're the one at fault for any issues in the relationship.
Finding myself again
Looking back, what I thought was love was disguised control wrapped up in charm. It took me a long time to realise that love does not make you question yourself. It does not rush or overwhelm you, it gives you space and time to build trust and an authentic connection. Healing was not a linear process, but it is possible when you tune into your gut instincts and trust yourself. If my story can help someone else, then one thing to learn is that you don’t have to chase love that confuses you or makes you doubt yourself, it should make you feel safe, seen, and respected.
Read more from Roisin Laoise
Roisin Laoise, Counsellor & Psychotherapist
Roisin Laoise is a Counsellor & Psychotherapist, specialising in relationships, mental health, physical wellbeing, and domestic abuse support. Drawing on both professional expertise and personal experience, she helps readers navigate emotional challenges, recognise unhealthy patterns, and build resilience. As a domestic abuse counsellor, she supports individuals in reclaiming their safety, confidence, and sense of self. Through her writing for Brainz Magazine, she provides practical guidance and insights to empower readers to trust themselves, set boundaries, and prioritise their overall wellbeing.
