The Missing Piece – Learning to Love Yourself Truly
- Brainz Magazine
- Sep 24
- 6 min read
Written by Gacia Tokajian, Life and Mindset Coach Gacia Tokajian is a certified life and mindset coach and founder of GT Coaching, where she empowers individuals through personalized 1:1 coaching to gain clarity, direction, and create a life aligned with their values.
I was standing in front of my bedroom mirror, unable to meet my own eyes. How could I possibly say, “Gacia, I love you,” when I didn’t feel that love for myself? It wasn’t about my appearance, but how I felt inside. A deep lack of self-appreciation, acceptance, and compassion dwelled within me, filled instead with self-judgment, resentment, and disappointment over how my life had turned out.
The book that changed everything
The transformation came packed in the form of a small book, "You Can Heal Your Life" by Louise Hay. It was the first self-help book I ever read, and to say it catalyzed my growth is an understatement. I came across it while navigating my journey through anorexia, and Louise Hay’s words introduced me to a concept I had never truly considered, “self-love.”
But what does it really mean to love yourself? How does it look in everyday life, and where do you even begin? These were the questions I asked myself at the start of this journey. In this article, I will share how the absence of self-love often shows up in our lives, and how we can begin to nurture it.
The roots of self-love
What if I told you that everything you experience in life is directly correlated to the depth of love you hold for yourself? Would that statement bring comfort or make you pause and question?
Your current life is a reflection of the degree of love, worthiness, and deservingness you feel toward yourself. Louise Hay teaches that self-love begins with one simple act, never criticizing ourselves. What we think and believe about ourselves shapes our reality. And those beliefs are often formed early in life.
As children, we learn how to feel about ourselves based on the behaviors and reactions of the adults around us. That becomes the framework for how we measure our value and worth later in life. As we grow up, we recreate the emotional environment of our early years through the relationships we attract, the jobs we accept, how we care for our body, and the amount of money we believe we can make.
For example, if you were praised only when you achieved good grades, success in sports, or the arts, you may have developed the belief that love is earned through achievement. As an adult, you constantly strive, hoping that “achieving more” will finally make you feel worthy.
If you were called a “good girl” or “good boy” only when you obeyed, you may have internalized that you are lovable only when pleasing others. Over time, this can lead to abandoning your own needs. Little by little, we start molding ourselves to fit the expectations of others, leaving behind parts of who we are, our needs, talents, and truth.
This isn’t an excuse to blame our caregivers and teachers. In the end, we can only pass down what we know. And if our parents didn’t know how to truly value and love themselves, how could they have taught us?
Self-love vs. self-care
A common misconception is equating self-care with self-love. Pampering yourself with clothes, dinners, or spa days can feel good. But without self-acceptance, respect, compassion, and appreciation, these acts can become distractions rather than genuine acts of self-nurture. True self-love is about how you treat yourself on the inside.
How lack of self-love shows up
The absence of self-love shows up differently for each of us, but here are some common ways it may appear:
In relationships: You struggle to set boundaries, express your needs, over-give while finding it hard to receive, or push away people because deep down you question, “Why would they want to be with me?” You may even attract partners who mistreat you, reinforcing those beliefs.
In career: You feel unsure of your direction, you hide or downplay your abilities, avoid risks, sabotage a potential promotion, or settle for jobs that drain you. You might tell yourself, “At least it pays the bills,” even when you’re longing for more.
In health: You may struggle with recurring pain, disease, or weight problems. You may find it hard to stay consistent with exercise routines or eating nourishing food. You may develop unhealthy coping habits like smoking, excessive drinking, or the use of other substances.
How your beliefs shape your patterns
Look closely at your life. Are there experiences you find yourself repeating over and over again? These patterns often reflect the beliefs you hold about yourself.
For example, maybe you often say, “I always end up doing everything by myself.”
In school, classmates relied on you for notes or group projects.
At work, you somehow carry more responsibility than others.
At home, you juggle chores, errands, and plans with little appreciation.
The resentment and frustrations build, “Nobody appreciates me here, I always carry the burden alone, I can’t trust anyone to help.”
But remember, these are 'your patterns,' and they’re only mirroring back the beliefs you’re holding about your worthiness to receive support and appreciation. So the question becomes, how worthy of support, love, and appreciation do you truly feel?
What it truly means to love yourself
Self-love is a daily commitment we need to practice. It means:
Being willing to learn to approve and accept yourself fully.
Being willing to forgive yourself for not knowing better at times.
Being willing to release resentment toward your caregivers who did their best with what they knew.
Letting go of guilt, judgment, and criticisms toward yourself and others.
At its core, loving yourself means choosing thoughts and words that are nurturing and kind. Thoughts create feelings, feelings shape actions, and actions create the reality you live in.
Pause for a moment, and bring your attention to your thoughts. Are they reflective of the future you want to create, or are they recreating your current reality again?
4 practices to deepen your self-love
The mirror exercise: This is Louise Hay’s signature practice. Every day for the next 30 days, look into your own eyes in the mirror and say, “[Your Name], I love you.” Repeat slowly. Pause. Allow whatever emotions arise to flow through you. It may feel uncomfortable at first, but it is deeply transformative.
Journal: For the coming 10 to 30 days, write down three things you love about yourself daily. Think of your qualities, skills, ways of being, and physical traits. Make sure to vary them. By the end, you’ll have powerful reminders of all the beauty you hold.
Reflect and ask: Make a list of all your strengths as you see them. Then ask family, friends, and colleagues what they see in you. Often, others notice gifts we’ve taken for granted. Keep this list as a powerful anchor on the days you forget your brilliance.
Affirmations: We are constantly affirming something. Notice the negative phrases you repeat daily. “I hate my job. I can’t get anything right. My life is a mess.” Replace them with intentional affirmations:
“I appreciate everything I do.”
“I am in the process of positive change.”
“I am attracting work I love.”
Choose words that feel authentic and empowering, and repeat them until they feel like truth.
Closing thoughts
The quality of your current relationships, the money you’re earning, and the opportunities you’re attracting are a reflection of what you think and believe you deserve and are worthy of, consciously or unconsciously.
If you want a different experience, you must cultivate beliefs that align with the version of you living in that new reality. When you reconnect with yourself, learning to love, accept, and approve of who you are, everything around you begins to shift.
As it’s been said, life doesn’t give you what you want, it gives you who you are. So, if you’ve been longing for something and not receiving it, then ask yourself, Who am I being? How worthy and deserving do I feel of what I desire?
As Louise Hay beautifully reminds us:
“You’ve been criticizing yourself for years and it hasn’t worked. Try approving of yourself and see what happens.”
If these words touched something within you, take it as a gentle reminder that you are not alone on this journey. In my coaching work, I guide clients back to self-leadership, self-trust, and a mindset that honors who they truly are. If you feel a quiet pull to go deeper, I would be honored to walk alongside you as you begin creating the life you know is possible. From my heart to yours, I send you love, and I wish you a beautiful day!
Follow me on Instagram for more info!
Read more from Gacia Tokajian
Gacia Tokajian, Life and Mindset Coach
Gacia Tokajian is a Jay Shetty Certified Life and Mindset Coach. Her journey into personal development began nine years ago after experiencing anorexia, which led her to explore the deeper root causes beneath the symptoms. Through years of training, workshops, and inner work, she transformed her life, moving from a place of feeling stuck and frustrated to cultivating peace, self-love, and self-acceptance. Today, she guides others on their own path of reconnection, helping them rewrite life stories that feel aligned and empowering.
