The Hidden Cost of Outsourcing Your Power
- Brainz Magazine
- Sep 8
- 4 min read
Emma Abalogun is a Self-Leadership Coach, Speaker and creator of the RAM-R™ Method, empowering women to rise out of survival and into sovereignty through emotional responsibility and embodied leadership.
Every time you say yes when you mean no, stay silent when you want to speak, or seek approval over your own truth, you give away your power. Outsourcing your inner authority may feel safe, but it erodes self-worth, self-acceptance, and authentic confidence. Discover how to reclaim your voice, set boundaries, and lead with genuine strength.
Why self-worth, self-acceptance, and authentic power can’t be delegated
Recall the last time you said yes when you wanted to say no. Maybe it was taking on a project you didn’t have the bandwidth for. Maybe it was staying silent in a meeting when you had a perspective that could have shifted the conversation. Or maybe it was putting on a smile in a relationship where you felt unseen.
These moments might seem like minor compromises, but they signal a larger problem, giving away your personal power and with it, your sense of self.
Outsourcing power is a survival strategy, not a sign of weakness. Trading your own guidance for external approval may provide quick comfort, but ultimately erodes your self-worth, self-acceptance, and authentic power.
Why outsourcing feels safer than standing firm
The brain is wired to keep us safe. Neuroscience reveals that social rejection activates the same brain regions as physical pain.[1] No wonder we bend, shrink, or abandon our truth. It literally hurts to be cast out.
We’re often rewarded for compliance or self-silencing, both of which come with hidden costs.
The three pillars at risk
When we surrender our power, it undermines the foundations of authentic leadership.
1. Self-worth – becomes conditional
Instead of knowing “I am enough,” worth gets tethered to output, praise, or approval. Research from the University of Rochester found that individuals driven by external goals (such as status, image, or approval) reported lower well-being and higher anxiety than those anchored in intrinsic values.[2]
2. Self-acceptance – turns into self-abandonment
Psychologist Kristin Neff’s work on self-compassion reveals that when we judge ourselves harshly, we’re more likely to suppress aspects of ourselves to appear “acceptable”.[3] Outsourcing power is, at its core, a refusal to accept our whole selves.
3. Authentic power (self-confidence) – gets replaced with performance
Instead of leading from inner authority, we perform for others. Bill George refers to this as “imposter leadership,” where leaders manage perception rather than embodying their values.[4] The result? Burnout, disconnection, and a leadership style that doesn’t feel sustainable.
Initially, outsourcing may feel like relief, you avoid conflict and risk. However, emotional suppression doesn’t make feelings go away, it actually intensifies them.[5] "I’ll just keep quiet this time" can lead to a chronic loop of self-silencing affecting individuals, relationships, teams, and culture. That same silence can also lead to resentment, disconnection, and a sense of living someone else’s life.
The RAM-R™ method: Reclaiming inner authority
How do you decisively reclaim your power at work and stop repeating the old pattern?
This is where the RAM-R™ Method comes in, Reflection, Awareness, Management, Repeat.
Reflection: Start by observing your patterns without judgment. Ask yourself. In what situations do you habitually say yes when you mean no? Where do you consistently hold back your thoughts or feelings?
Awareness: Once you recognize your patterns, tune into the effects they have on you. Ask yourself. How does going against my own truth impact my emotions, mindset, and physical sensations? Your awareness of these costs helps you understand why change matters.
Management: With deeper awareness, try taking small steps to respond differently. This might look like pausing before you answer, offering yourself kindness when you're tempted to self-abandon, or practicing by setting a small boundary. Experiment with new actions to regain your inner authority.
Repeat: Understand that reclaiming your inner authority is a continual process. Commit to practicing Reflection, Awareness, and Management each day. Over time, repeating these actions will gradually build confidence and reinforce your authentic self.
The ripple effect
Reclaiming your power anchors you and shapes your environment, demonstrating the true impact of inner authority.
In your career, it builds trust and credibility because people sense you’re not performing, you’re leading from truth.
In relationships, it creates intimacy because authenticity invites authenticity.
In culture, it plants seeds of psychological safety, others feel permission to step into their own voice when you step into yours.
As Rosabeth Moss Kanter famously said, “Power is the ability to make others powerful.” But you can’t empower others from a place of self-abandonment. True power ripples outward only when it’s first reclaimed within.
A mirror moment
So here’s the question, where are you outsourcing your power today? Where are you letting approval, fear, or comfort decide for you instead of your own inner compass?
The goal is not self-criticism, but to notice. The moment you do, you reclaim your power. Every choice to return to self-worth, self-acceptance, and authentic power strengthens your sovereignty.
Read more at Emma Abalogun
Emma Abalogun, Self-Leadership Coach | Speaker
Emma Abalogun is a Self-Leadership Coach, Speaker, and creator of the RAM-R™ Method–a four-step framework designed to help women break free from survival patterns, projection cycles, and self-abandonment. Her work empowers individuals to lead with radical self-worth, emotional responsibility, and authentic power. Drawing from years of coaching experience and a deep understanding of identity, leadership, and legacy, Emma helps women reclaim their inner authority and become the kind of leader their life and work requires.
References:
[1] Lieberman, M. D., C Eisenberger, N. I. (2003). The pains and pleasures of social life. Science, 302(5643), 290-292.
[2] Deci, E. L., C Ryan, R. M. (2000). The "what" and "why" of goal pursuits: Human needs and the self-determination of behavior. Psychological Inquiry, 11(4), 227-268.
[3] Neff, K. (2003). Self-compassion: An alternative conceptualization of a healthy attitude toward oneself. Self and Identity, 2(2), 85-101.
[4] George, B. (2003). Authentic Leadership: Rediscovering the Secrets to Creating Lasting Value. Jossey-Bass.
[5] Gross, J. J., C Levenson, R. W. (1997). Hiding feelings: The acute effects of inhibiting negative and positive emotion. Journal of Abnormal Psychology, 106(1), 95-103.
[6] Edmondson, A. (1999). Psychological safety and learning behavior in work teams. Administrative Science Quarterly, 44(2), 350-383.
