The Gifts Of Grief – Building Resilience And Psychological Strength Through Loss
- Brainz Magazine
- May 20, 2023
- 4 min read
Written by: Lily Breuning Ellis, Executive Contributor
Executive Contributors at Brainz Magazine are handpicked and invited to contribute because of their knowledge and valuable insight within their area of expertise.
My beloved dog died last week. It was familiar territory, losing a pet. I have been there many times before. I have also lost people close to me, to death and life. I have lost memories of special moments not captured with enough impact that could have held them in my memory bank. Each loss has demanded deep mourning, a process during which a slow adjustment occurs in my heart. Over time, I move from acute pain, denial, and disbelief to a slow burn pain accompanying deepening peace around the changed relationship. The physical or mental void is never quite gone but it is accepted. For me, this grieving process is invaluable. Elizabeth Kübler Ross defined 5 distinct aspects of the process. Denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and finally acceptance. My experience of loss and grief is certainly all of those, but also so much deeper and wider than simply going through emotional states. Loss, though terrible, offers us great gifts.
Grief as Growth
Losing someone or something we love is an injury, resulting in a wound - an emotional, psychological, and spiritual wound We may also suffer actual physical loss. A limb, our health, our youth. We hurt, cry, mourn, and grieve for what we had. And so often mixed into our first reactions of denial, we feel regret and guilt. We wish we had spent more time, done more for, or truly appreciated each moment of time together. We wish we could go back in time and have just a little more, this time experienced with full presence. As Kahlil Gibran said 'and ever has it been that love knows not its own depth until the moment of separation.' We rail at the unfairness of it all.
But no amount of appreciation or love or time would have made a difference. We live each moment in the best way we can without the hindsight of who or what we should devote ourselves more to until it's gone. Perhaps the point of loss and grief is for us to finally know the depth of love and the depth of loss. Once we get to that point we are more likely to experience kindness as the other deepest point as Naomi Shihab Nye describes so profoundly in the poem 'Kindness."
I spend a lot of time in the reflection of loss, not so much a rumination but rather an exploration. I search for the gifts, the meaning, and the messages. In the end, what I lose on one level simply emerges on another. If I lose the physical presence of a loved one, they will eventually take residence deep in my heart – in memories, new forms, and internal conversations. I completely believe in the power of enduring love, beyond death and ego. What we once loved in one way endures in another. My grieving process is the journey from one relationship to another. If we look hard enough we find traces of what we lost within ourselves.
Stronger levels of resilience
My deepest meditation after Felix died brought awareness of the incredible love our pets bring into our lives, and how this connection enables our development on so many levels. It is by now a well-known fact that a deep sense of connectivity builds our levels of resilience and enhances mental health. Each deep loss, rather than minimizing my strength, is a reminder of how lucky I am to have known such a connection. And to realize that each connection, though changed, is part of what has built me into who I am.
This is the greatest gift of grief – the appreciation and acknowledgment of love, and the surety that once touched by it we are eternally changed by it. Our entire self is grown by each drop of love received. Rather than being paralyzed by grief take the gifts and pay forward the love. Let us give what we have received and create a recycling of the energy of whom and what we have lost.
'Love is not written on paper, for paper can be erased. Nor is it etched on stone, for stone can be broken. But it is inscribed on a heart and there it shall remain forever.' – Rumi
Lily Breuning Ellis, Executive Contributor Brainz Magazine
Lily Breuning Ellis is a resilience coach and trauma facilitator. She lives a holistic approach to dis-ease and has a deep understanding of how our neural wiring can limit our life experience. Her learning from the many people she has supported over the years, as well as her own life, is that with new information and determination we are able to rewire our brain to enable powerful living, positive thinking and joyful high performance. Her life journey is dedicated to growing and learning through challenges, combining wisdom and knowledge and sharing this through coaching and facilitation. She works in multiple organisations as a resilience/presence coach and breath-work facilitator.
