The Fallacy of Self-Love and How to Truly Achieve It
Written by: Jean Tien, Executive Contributor
Executive Contributors at Brainz Magazine are handpicked and invited to contribute because of their knowledge and valuable insight within their area of expertise.
You see it advertised everywhere — challenges that promise “30 days to self-love” or even “100 days to self-love.” Magazines and articles sharing the psychology of self-love. Even movies play out the disastrous love lives of those who fall prey to narcissistic lovers. Until one day, they miraculously achieve a state of self-love and find someone who genuinely appreciates their quirky wit and lived happily ever after.
The truth is, the way “self-love” is posited in the media — as if it is the outcome of following 10 simple rules, complicated algorithms, and/or expertly created formulas — self-love is, in fact, none of that.
Self-love is a concept that is so deep and so powerful that the discovery of it is almost as coveted as the discovery of the Fountain of Youth. Yet, it does not have to be as elusive as the fountain. It is not about the formulas or algorithms, nor about waiting around for the “a-ha” moment. More importantly, it certainly is not about following a set of rigid steps or completing a challenge.
Now, don’t get me wrong. Challenges are a great way to initiate a self-love practice, and published articles bring awareness to its importance. But, to truly get to the core of loving yourself, you must first start from within.
One cannot truly experience self-love without self-acceptance.
Miriam-Webster defines self-acceptance as “the act or state of accepting oneself, the act or state of understanding and recognizing one's own abilities and limitations.“ Simply, acceptance is unconditional, just as love is unconditional.
However, as humans, we are entrained to believe that only the good are lovable, and as such, the bad are unworthy of love. We were never taught that the difference between good and bad is artificial, and the rest is perspective.
While it is easy to accept the things we judge as good about ourselves, our ability to accept the rest of us challenges our ability to acknowledge ourselves fully. So, how can we start to accept the parts of us that we’ve been taught to self-loathe? If the dichotomy between good and bad is man-made, then how do we start to accept all of us rather than just some parts of us? How do we reconnect with the parts of us that we’ve discarded so that we fit into someone else’s reality?
Well, if self-love is stored within, then your answers are there too. Below are 5 self-discovery prompts designed to uncover the obstacles keeping you from loving yourself unconditionally:
1. What stories am I telling myself? Starting from day one of our lives, we’ve been immersed in the stories told by others. As we grow, the stories around us become our own, and we accept these stories as “truth” while the real truth of the matter is that we are all born into this world to create our own stories. When we live by others' stories, we cannot truly accept ourselves because we make ourselves fit into the truth of other people’s stories.
2. Ask, “are these mine or are they someone else’s?” Once you begin to uncover the stories that you are obediently accepting as truth, you can then question whether the stories are yours or others, and if they are others, do you resonate with them anymore? Remember, you have a choice in the stories you tell yourself. When you choose to change your story, your story changes with you, and you become the character on which your story is built.
3. Why am I holding onto this story? Your old stories become your security blankets, and when this happens, it is time to ask how exactly are they serving you? What is it that you are not willing to do by holding onto these old stories? One thing I hear from my clients all the time – they abuse me because they love me. Well, that is certainly an interesting concept, isn’t it? Why not accept the fact that they abuse you because you let them, and you let them because...? This is where we start to uncover the “truths” we tell ourselves as to why we’re not worthy of love, and THIS is where the self-love journey truly begins.
4. Does this story resonate with me anymore? Choose your path forward. You are not beholden to the stories of your past. Each day is a new beginning and a new opportunity to create your story. When you fall, and trust me, you will fall, be kind to yourself and keep going! After 20+ years of holding onto the same story, old habits can stay with us for a while, so remember that each second, minute, hour, and day is a new opportunity to start fresh.
5. What can I create today? Through awareness and acceptance for all of you, there is power. You no longer have to cut yourself off to conform to someone else’s autobiography. So with this power, what will you create today that you’ve never before created?
Oh, and don’t worry, for those looking to create a self-love practice – I promise that will come naturally once you start to love yourself because you will start to prioritize yourself and unswervingly do what it takes to take care of your well-being.
"The power of true love can only come from within you. Looking for it anywhere else is a waste of time."
Jean Tien, Executive Contributor Brainz Magazine
Jean is an intuitive mindset coach, specializing in working with ambitious, career-driven women, who have already achieved a certain level of success and are now ready to achieve more in life, as well as find balance and fulfillment. She uses her intuitive abilities, as well as her own extensive corporate experience, to help women find their Zone of Genius, fully align with it so they can powerfully bring it into the world.
