The Cost of Being The Strong One – What High-Functioning Women Carry in Silence
- Apr 29
- 6 min read
Certified Health Coach and transformation strategist helping midlife women reinvent their wellness, leadership, and identity with grace and purpose. I teach alignment over hustle and resilience over burnout.
She’s the one everyone leans on. The one who holds it together. She’s the one that is usually the first one in the office and the last one to leave each day. Raise your hand if this sounds familiar. You’re the one people call when things go wrong. You figure it out, fix it, and keep everything together, even when your own body wants something else. I know that woman well because I was her for a long time.
In my career, I was trusted with big decisions, large portfolios, and in places where staying calm was not just preferred but required. There was little room to feel overwhelmed, and even less to take a break. So, like many high-performing women, I adapted.
I became efficient. Dependable. Steady. Strong. That strength helped me succeed, build trust, and become a leader. But it also created a quiet habit I didn’t notice at first. I learned to ignore my body for the sake of getting things done. No one really tells you this, but always being the strong one comes with a cost. Sooner or later, your body will make you pay for it.
When strength becomes an identity
At first, strength is something you rise into. It’s how you navigate difficult seasons. It’s how you survive transitions, disappointments, and unexpected turns. You learn how to keep moving, even when things feel uncertain.
But over time, something changes. Strength is no longer just something you use. It becomes part of who you are. You don’t ask for help, not because you can’t, but because it feels strange. You support everyone else, but rarely make time for yourself. You keep going, even when your body quietly asks you to stop.
And because the world rewards this version of you, the one who handles it all, you begin to internalize it as your standard. What once supported you becomes something you feel obligated to maintain.
The emotional cost: When stability becomes disconnection
From the outside, you seem grounded. Calm. Unshaken. But internally, there can be a subtle distance. If you’ve learned to manage emotions, yours and everyone else’s, you may recognize this. You move on quickly. You compartmentalize. You stay composed in moments that might overwhelm others. But emotional regulation without emotional processing creates space between you and your own experience.
Research in mind-body medicine suggests that unprocessed emotional stress doesn’t simply disappear, it remains active within the body, contributing to long-term physiological strain (van der Kolk, 2014). In other words, what isn’t expressed is often stored. Stored in the nervous system. Stored in the body. Stored in the quiet tension you’ve learned to normalize.
What often gets praised as emotional strength can sometimes be unexpressed emotion in disguise. And over time, that doesn’t lead to breakdown. It leads to disconnection.
The hormonal cost: When the body adapts to survival
Over time, the body doesn’t just handle stress. It adapts to it. One way it does that is through your stress response system, including the Hypothalamic-Pituitary-Adrenal (HPA) axis. When this system is activated consistently, it leads to sustained production of cortisol, the hormone that helps you respond to stress in the short term. But the body was never designed to live there.
According to McEwen (2007), prolonged activation of the stress response contributes to allostatic load, the cumulative wear and tear on the body.
For many women, especially in midlife, this can begin to show up as the following:
Disrupted sleep patterns
Increased abdominal fat storage
Mood fluctuations and irritability
Brain fog and reduced cognitive clarity
Persistent fatigue, even after rest
During perimenopause and menopause, hormonal shifts are already influencing mood, metabolism, and energy. When layered with chronic stress, these symptoms can intensify (Santoro & Epperson, 2015).
So, what feels like “something being off” is often a body that has been operating in survival mode for far too long.
The physiological cost: When high-functioning isn’t the same as well
One of the most overlooked aspects of this pattern is that it doesn’t always appear dysfunctional. You’re still performing. Still achieving. Still meeting expectations. But your body is telling a different story.
Tight shoulders that never fully relax, even when you finally sit down. Shallow breathing that doesn’t quite reach your lungs. Digestive discomfort that comes and goes without a clear explanation. A constant feeling of being “on,” even in moments meant for rest.
This is often described as “wired and tired,” a state in which the nervous system remains activated even when the body is exhausted. From a physiological standpoint, this reflects a dysregulated nervous system, one that hasn’t had consistent opportunities to return to baseline. And while pushing through may be praised externally, it does not create sustainability internally.
Why so many women stay in this pattern
This isn’t simply about personal choice. It’s also about conditioning. Many women have been taught, explicitly or implicitly, that strength means:
Holding everything together
Not burdening others
Being dependable at all costs
Prioritizing performance over personal needs
For women in leadership, these expectations can feel even more pronounced. Composure becomes currency. Reliability becomes identity. And when your sense of value becomes tied to how much you can carry, putting something down can feel uncomfortable, even threatening.
There’s also a quieter question beneath it. If you are no longer “the strong one,” who are you? So, the pattern continues, not because it’s sustainable, but because it’s familiar.
A personal turning point
For me, the shift didn’t come from burnout, it came from awareness. There was a moment when I realized I had mastered performance, but had lost connection. I could lead, deliver, and execute at a high level, and still feel strangely absent from myself.
I wasn’t always listening to my body until it demanded my attention. And the truth is, the body will always get the final say. That realization didn’t require me to abandon my strength. It required me to redefine it.
To create space where there hadn’t been any. To pause without guilt. To recognize that regulation, not just resilience, was essential.
A new definition of strength
Real strength isn’t just about endurance. It’s about awareness. It’s the ability to recognize when your body is asking for something different and having the courage to respond. It’s setting boundaries before exhaustion sets in. It’s allowing yourself to be supported, not just relied upon. It’s choosing rest not as a reward, but as a requirement.
Research continues to show that practices supporting nervous system regulation, such as breathwork, mindfulness, and intentional rest, can significantly improve stress resilience and overall well-being (Porges, 2011).
But beyond science, there is a deeper truth. Strength that excludes softness is incomplete. Because the goal isn’t to become someone new. It’s to return to a version of yourself that feels connected, supported, and whole.
You don’t have to stop being the strong one. But you do have to stop being the only one holding everything together. Because the next version of your strength isn’t in how much you can carry. It’s in how safely you can finally set some of it down.
Read more from Beverly K. Johnson
Beverly K. Johnson, Health and Wellness Coach
Beverly Johnson is a Certified Health Coach, speaker, and midlife wellness strategist helping women navigate hormonal transitions, workplace burnout, and identity shifts with resilience and clarity. Drawing from her background in wellness, leadership, and personal transformation, she developed the MindBodySoul Reset, a science-informed framework for sustainable wellbeing. Beverly’s work bridges emotional intelligence, hormonal health, and intentional leadership to support high-performing women in thriving personally and professionally. She writes about reinvention, alignment, and the evolving landscape of women’s wellness.
References:
McEwen, B. S. (2007). Physiology and neurobiology of stress and adaptation: Central role of the brain. Physiological Reviews.
Porges, S. W. (2011). The Polyvagal Theory: Neurophysiological Foundations of Emotions, Attachment, Communication, and Self-Regulation.
Santoro, N., & Epperson, C. N. (2015). Menopausal symptoms and their management. Endocrinology and Metabolism Clinics of North America.
van der Kolk, B. (2014). The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma.
