The Cost of Abandoning Myself and a Journey Back to Wholeness
- May 11
- 4 min read
Written by Sarah Veall, Transformational Coach
Sarah Veall is a transformational coach, inner child practitioner, and Reiki practitioner. She is the author of "Trust", a story of how she reconnected with her true essence and a state of wholeness and healed holistically, following a cancer diagnosis in 2020.
For most of my life, I didn’t realise I was abandoning myself. On the surface, I looked like someone who cared deeply about others, someone supportive, giving and thoughtful. While that was true, underneath it was a quieter, more unconscious pattern. I believed that in order to be loved, accepted, and safe, I had to put other people’s needs before my own. Not consciously, but as a way of being.
The story that shaped everything
There was a story running beneath my life that I didn’t even know was there. If I don’t prioritise others, they will reject me. If I show people the real me, I will be abandoned.
So I adapted. I said yes when I meant no. I gave my time, energy, and attention beyond what felt right. I tuned into others so deeply that I lost connection with myself. The most important part? I thought this was who I was.
Living in a constant state of threat
Looking back now, I can see that my nervous system was constantly on alert. Even when nothing was outwardly wrong, there was an underlying sense of needing to keep the peace, anticipating others' reactions and managing how I was perceived.
I was either fighting the possibility of rejection (by over-giving or over-performing), or running from it (by avoiding conflict, suppressing my needs).
All of my internal resources were being used to manage a perceived threat. When your system is constantly in survival mode, something has to give.
The impact on my body
What I didn’t understand at the time was how deeply this pattern was affecting my physical health. My energy wasn’t available for restoration, repair and immune support.
It was tied up in hypervigilance. In emotional labour. In trying to stay safe in ways that weren’t actually keeping me safe at all. I was abandoning myself and my body was carrying the cost.
The wake-up call
In 2020, everything changed. A cancer diagnosis stopped me in my tracks. It was a moment I would never have consciously chosen, but one that forced me to look at my life in a completely different way.
Because underneath the shock and fear, there was also a deeper question: How have I been living that has brought me here?
Seeing the truth
Healing became about more than treatment, it became about truth. I began to see clearly how often I had overridden my own needs, how I had ignored my inner voice and how I had equated self-abandonment with safety.
Slowly, gently, I started to understand I wasn’t just dealing with illness. I was dealing with a lifetime of disconnection from myself.
Reclaiming my power
The work of healing became the work of returning. Returning to my body, my needs and my truth.
I began learning what it meant to set healthy boundaries, not as walls to keep people out, but as structures that allowed me to stay connected to myself so I could have healthy relationships.
I started asking what I need right now. What feels true for me? Where am I giving from overflow and where am I giving from depletion? Perhaps most importantly, I began to trust that I would not be abandoned for honouring myself.
A different way of living
Twelve years into this journey of coaching, of healing, of deep inner work, I now see self-abandonment for what it is: a pattern, a protection, and a learned response that once made sense but no longer serves. In its place, I’ve been practising self-trust instead of self-betrayal, setting boundaries instead of over-extension and being present instead of performance.
The truth I’ve learned
You cannot create true safety in your life by abandoning yourself to keep others close, because the cost is always too high. The cost to you is your energy, your health, and your sense of self.
A gentle reflection
If any part of this resonates, I invite you to pause and ask yourself where I might be leaving myself behind in order to feel accepted, loved, or safe? What would it look like to come back, one choice at a time?
An invitation back to yourself
This is the work I now do through my transformational coaching. I support individuals who are ready to recognise where they’ve been abandoning themselves. Where they’ve been giving away their power, disconnecting from their needs, and losing touch with their true essence.
Together, we gently unravel those patterns and reconnect you with your inner voice, your boundaries, and your sense of self so you can begin to live in alignment with who you truly are. If you want to understand more about my journey, my book Trust shares the story of my holistic healing following my cancer diagnosis, and how I learned to let go of the identities that were keeping me small and start listening to my own truth and intuition. You can find it here.
Coming home to yourself
Healing, I’ve learned, isn’t about becoming someone new. It’s about returning to who you were before you learned to leave yourself and that return changes everything.
Read more from Sarah Veall
Sarah Veall, Transformational Coach
Sarah Veall is a transformational coach, inner child practitioner, and Reiki practitioner. She is the author of "Trust", a story of how she reconnected with her true essence and a state of wholeness and healed holistically, following a cancer diagnosis in 2020. Sarah is passionate about empowering others to love their whole 'self' in order to access a state of wellness where the body can heal itself.
