The Challenges of Parenting and How to Overcome Them
- Apr 28
- 11 min read
Written by Marianne Vanoyen, Psychologist | Author
Marianne Vanoyen is a psychologist in private practice with over 30 years of experience. She is a published author with three books to offer those who wish to expand their knowledge and skills by implementing her tools and insights. Marianne brings a blend of intuition, creativity, and psychology to her work.
Parenting is a complex role and situation. It involves emotions, care, guidance, responsibility, awareness, listening, understanding, respect, anticipation, boundaries, and patience. You get the picture. All this while juggling the complexities of relationships with a partner, family members, friends, neighbors, colleagues, and the expectations between parents and their children. Parenting does not come with a handbook, although it should. We are required to take courses for almost anything that requires skill and responsibility. Yet, it seems that anyone can become a parent.
What is a parent?
A parent is someone who has brought a child into the world with the help of another person, such as a spouse. It can also be someone who is not in a legal partnership or someone who became pregnant. Someone who has decided to become pregnant so that they can have a biological child of their own to raise is another definition. Parenting can also include someone who inherited a child from a family member to raise, or who has adopted a child to raise as their own. A parent is responsible for the care and welfare of a child, whether by raising the child in a family context or by providing financial support to the child they helped create.
Drug addicts, teenagers, violent or sexual predators can become parents, and sadly, some do. Luckily, many parents are decent, law-abiding citizens who try to do a good job raising their children. Yet mistakes are still made, and damage is caused.
The consequences of poor parenting
The various types of damage that occur when parenting a child are rather heartbreaking. Aside from the obvious sources of damage like sexual and physical abuse, there is also emotional abuse. Emotional abuse is very damaging as it doesn’t leave physical wounds. It is far more insidious, as it impacts a child in so many ways, affecting their attachment styles, self-esteem, character, defense mechanisms, sense of security, and overall well-being. This form of abuse wounds the child, who then often becomes a wounded parent or never has children. If they do decide to have children, the cycle often continues until someone breaks it. Will it be you or your child who breaks the cycle? Will you wait until it’s your grandchild or your great-grandchild? Pain will perpetuate and cause damage if it remains unhealed.
The problem with maladaptive parenting
Parents model behaviors and expectations for children. The treatment of children and what they see and hear is what they learn and imitate. Too often, parents are not paying attention to themselves or their children, where mindless behaviors and attitudes contaminate the relationship between parents and their children.
Young children are like sponges, and they absorb what is happening around them, the good and the bad. Very often, children mirror their parents’ behaviors and language, much to their parents' dismay.
“Why are you whining? Stop whining!” Yet, who is really whining? “Watch your tone.” Whose tone? “Don’t speak to me like that.” Well, then don’t teach your children to speak like that.
According to Gestalt therapy, children tend to unconsciously assimilate the traits of the parent they fear most, as a way of identifying with and connecting to that parent. It also helps them survive the family system by arming them with unconscious mechanisms to either fit in or survive within the family dynamic.
Different types of defence mechanisms
There are many defence mechanisms common to most people. The list below contains some of the more popular ones. They are mostly unconscious, and their purpose, according to Freud, is to protect the ego from anxiety arising from unacceptable thoughts, feelings, or threats. They become coping strategies necessary for survival and for navigating family life, especially at a young age, when the child has little agency and depends on their parents for basic needs such as food, shelter, safety, love, and attention. Unfortunately, not all families can supply some of these basic yet fundamental elements.
Denial
What’s interesting about denial is that a child can lie to themselves about their reality, refusing to accept facts and acting as if a painful situation or thought does not exist. If they can deny this truth, then it’s as if it isn’t happening. For example, a child might think his parent is fun and relaxed when, in fact, this parent is an alcoholic and manifests slurring behaviours and is checked out on a couch, watching television in the presence of their child. The child tunes into the parents’ silliness and their comatose state on the sofa. It is my opinion that denial often starts with the parent being in denial about their own thoughts and behaviours, thus not being self-aware or accountable for how they are acting and how their child perceives them.
The other issue is when a child may have feelings about their parents’ behaviour or actions, only to have those feelings shut down by their parent, either by claiming the child’s input is exaggerated or by flatly denying the child’s feelings about a particular situation. In turn, the child shuts down and/or questions their own feelings as invalid, leading them to suppress their feelings because they are not being validated or supported. This type of interaction and messaging confuses the child.
Repression
Denial, in many ways, can lead to repression, which is the unconscious casting aside of any threatening memories, urges, or thoughts out of one’s conscious awareness. Negative actions taken against a child by a parent can leave a child traumatized, be it via physical or sexual abuse, but also with threatening words and an aggressive tone of voice. Repression can go very deep into the psyche, covering up traumas that are too painful to remember or process, like sexual abuse. If the child’s ego and psyche are too fragile, they may never remember this abuse. They may only allow it to surface later in life when their triggers become ignited by something that reminds them of their abuse, or when they are psychologically and emotionally able to deal with these memories. A therapist must consider a person’s readiness. One cannot push someone to excavate these suppressed traumas, rather, one must respect where the person is in their readiness and discovery. Doing so prematurely can harm the person who is trying to manage their trauma and symptoms.
Projection
Projection is a rather well-known concept and defence mechanism, and one that truly is frustrating to deal with when you are the recipient of the projection. It is when one ascribes their own unacceptable attributes or thoughts onto another. The projections are unconscious, and the person is in denial of possessing the attributes that they are assigning to the person before them, be it their child or spouse. When one is the recipient of a negative projection, it feels shocking because it fits the accuser rather than the recipient. This type of interaction is hard to argue, as the accuser is closed and armed with their defence mechanisms. An adult accused of certain behaviours or traits can better recognize that the assigned traits don’t belong to them. They can protect themselves and their energy by not engaging, knowing that it would be a losing battle. This type of processing is much more difficult, if not impossible, for a child to do, so they assimilate the projection, feel hurt, and then find ways to cope, which may lead them to project onto others as they grow older, thus repeating the cycle.
Sublimation
This is an interesting defence mechanism where one channels socially unacceptable impulses or drives into constructive, socially acceptable behaviours. Somebody can channel their trauma into creative projects, songs, sports, and personal development, where an individual harnesses their anxiety and pain, pouring these emotional states into more acceptable and productive forms of expression. It acts like fuel for the creative psyche or athlete.
Rationalization
This is a very common defence mechanism. I believe it is a cousin of cognitive dissonance, in which a person convinces themselves that a bad outcome is justifiable. Another common example is making excuses for someone’s bad behaviour when they feel deceived. Rationalization is a way to defend oneself against negative feelings such as anger, hurt, and disappointment. Deep down, it is an unconscious process for dealing with difficult emotions, such as feeling unloved or unworthy, which seems to be rampant in our society.
Is it hard to become a good parent?
Like anything in life, parenting is a very complex responsibility. That said, it is not impossible to become a good parent when you have the right intentions, are open to learning about yourself, your past, and what it takes to be a good parent, such as showing empathy and respect toward your child. Seeing your child as a distinct individual, not an extension of yourself or your ego, is important. It requires time, patience, understanding, consistency, maturity, and emotional regulation. Age will not necessarily make you a better parent. Self-awareness and love are the better determinants.
Reading high-quality parenting books by people and authors you respect can provide guidance, techniques, and insights for specific parenting goals and challenges. Once again, an expert is still a person, so if their guidance or suggestions don’t feel right at a gut level, reconsider them. Also, who is your child? What is their temperament? What do they seem to need and respond to, positively, that can help you decide if a method fits or is working? Make the time to learn the method and be consistent. Make sure you are working with your child as a team rather than imposing on them or offering suggestions that don't make sense to them, which sets everyone up for failure.
Consider that you may not be implementing the technique effectively, which will lead to frustration and failure, causing you to give up on it rather than dissecting where you dropped the ball. For example, it has been my experience that when working with some parents and their children, a particular strategy like 1-2-3 Magic worked beautifully, as the child appreciated the format because it kept their parents calm. In this case, the child knew what to expect, but later, much to the child’s frustration, the parent abandoned the method, reverting to negative strategies, once again creating negative outcomes and tension between them.
On other occasions, some parents claimed to have tried my Points Method with their children, but they didn’t apply the concept as proposed, so it failed, and they claimed the method didn’t work. Well, much like a recipe, if you don’t follow the instructions, one or two deviations can make a great recipe flop. Paying attention and executing a strategy with intention and consistency will yield great results. It is worth investing in methods that have worked for hundreds of families, providing relief and joy, rather than rushing through a method and haphazardly attempting a strategy without due diligence, leaving oneself and one's children exhausted and frustrated. Paying upfront will sometimes require some time and effort, do it properly, or be sloppy and fail, and pay the consequences for the rest of your life. Invest in your children and future generations.
The 9 C’s recipe for good parenting
Communication: Almost everything in life requires good communication. The requirements are clarity and honesty, of course, delivered calmly and comprehensively so that the other person, in particular your child, can receive and understand the message to progress in the discussion or problem-solving. People hear tone first, so the voice needs to be calm and clear, not aggressive and loud. An aggressive tone will only scare and shut down a child or make them rebel and act out. Communication, in conjunction with collaboration, makes for a winning formula.
Collaboration: This is working together with your child where you are both on the same team with a similar goal and purpose. If both the parent and the child can agree on a goal, strategy, and outcome, then the flow of communication will be more fruitful.
Calm: It is important to stay calm in most situations when parenting a child to gain their trust and cooperation. Being aggressive or loud will overstimulate their nervous system and flood them with fear and cortisol, which can cause a child to shut down and become emotionally unavailable, or to retaliate, further escalating the tension between parent and child. Staying calm provides a sense of safety and shows that you, as the parent, can confidently control a situation and guide your child.
Cooperation: This is essential in most areas of life, parenting, teaching, sports, friendships, etc. The more cooperation there is between a parent and child, the more satisfaction both parties can achieve, which also strengthens their connection and closeness.
Connection: Parents need to connect to themselves first. How are they feeling? What do they want? Why do they want a particular goal? Once a parent has thoughtfully explored their own thoughts and feelings, they must then begin to understand their child's mindset, emotional state, and maturity to connect with them more effectively, increasing the chances of a more fruitful alliance.
Compassion: Compassion is the ability to sense the challenges that your child faces, be it emotional, physical, behavioural, or cognitive in nature. Children are little beings with big feelings. They have limited life experience, so they need compassion and guidance to navigate these areas of their lives with confidence and understanding.
Commitment: Committing to being a good parent to your child is key. Commitment includes the oaths you take and make with yourself, your spouse, and your child to show up in the best way possible to love and guide your child. It requires committing to learning how to be a good parent by reading books, taking courses, communicating effectively, and making a commitment to yourself not to yell, be aggressive, be dismissive, or engage in any other negative reaction or behaviour that can damage your child and your relationship with them.
Consideration: Consideration is keeping in mind a child’s limitations and capacities for understanding. It means remaining respectful even when you feel frustrated with your child. It requires considering where they are at. Are they hungry, tired, stressed, scared, lonely, lost, etc.? All of these states will impact your child and their receptivity to your messaging and expectations.
Conscious: Being conscious of oneself, feelings, needs, behaviours, etc., and conscious of where your child is at in their development, personality, feelings, and needs is very important. Doing so will help you know how and when to connect and what will lead to the best outcome for everyone, making parenting a win-win situation.
What are the benefits of being a good parent?
Being a good parent will feel satisfying to you, your spouse, and your child. It will mean building closeness, confidence, and cooperation. These are foundational ingredients for raising competent and content human beings. These qualities will help ensure more productive lives by avoiding negative conflict, maladaptive coping strategies, malignant defense mechanisms, and personality disorders, while encouraging positive relationships inside and outside the home. It is an investment in your own self-esteem and the creation of your child’s self-esteem, and, inherently, in future generations to come. Once again, invest now or pay later for therapy sessions to help a delinquent or depressed child. These states can often lead to potential addictions, mental disorders, anxiety, PTSD, poor relationships, failing without trying, and/or the potential loss of a future relationship with your child, which can be heartbreaking.
Start your journey today
The challenges of parenting are real, yet they can be addressed and overcome through awareness. It is important to understand the various challenges and equip yourself with knowledge to navigate the landscape with as few bumps and bruises as possible for you and your child. If you can identify where you are stuck, you can explore the tools and information that help you become a more loving and productive parent, thereby preventing or undoing any harm caused by negative reactions and behaviors. Remember, this is an investment that lasts a lifetime and beyond.
Responding to the various parenting challenges is essential for a better parent-child relationship. If you are struggling or need guidance, connect with me for a time-limited offer of a 10-minute discovery call, or find my book, Calm Parenting: Effective Strategies to Improve Cooperation, Facilitate Clear Communication, Lessen Sibling Rivalry, Avoid Meltdowns, and Promote Positive Behavior, available on Amazon (link available in my bio on Instagram). Also, follow me on Instagram to find more parenting content, resources, and upcoming courses and programs. Please refer to my website for more information about me and my services.
Remember to invest in the people you care for, including yourself, rather than wasting the opportunity to learn and connect.
Read more from Marianne Vanoyen
Marianne Vanoyen, Psychologist | Author
Marianne Vanoyen answered her call to serve others at the age of 21 and to help make the world a better place, one person at a time. She works primarily with adolescents, adults, and couples in person and virtually. Marianne has spent money, time, and energy in many professional development programs, learning many modalities of therapy to offer her clients the best service and results possible. She has also taken the same path to develop her skills as a writer, author, and publisher so that she can expand her reach.
