The Apology You Owe Yourself
Andi Saitowitz is a passionate bettermaker, helping people rise through change, reconnect to themselves, and lead with greater courage, confidence, and purpose. Blending psychology, strategy, and soul, she is known for her bold authenticity, thought-provoking insights, and powerful ability to turn everyday struggles into meaningful transformation.
We are remarkably courageous when it comes to saying, “I’m sorry,” to other people. We reflect. We take responsibility. We acknowledge where we could have done better. We ask for forgiveness. We try to make things right.
But how often do we offer that same grace to ourselves, especially when we’re high performers?
High performers tend to have high expectations. We set ambitious goals, hold ourselves to demanding standards, and constantly look for ways to improve. We’re often the people others rely on. There is tremendous strength in that. There can also be a hidden cost.
When high standards become relentless self-criticism, the very qualities that drive us forward can start working against us.
Instead of asking, “What can I learn from this?” we ask, “How could I have been so stupid?” Instead of “What would I do differently next time?” we tell ourselves, “I should have known better.” Instead of recognising that we were navigating complexity, we judge ourselves for not having had clarity in the moment.
Perhaps it’s time for a different conversation.
Sometimes there is no perfect choice
One reality of being human is that our values compete. We can value family and freedom, connection and independence, ambition and balance, achievement and wellbeing, giving to others and caring for ourselves. All of these are important. And sometimes, choosing one means another temporarily receives less attention.
That’s what makes decisions hard.
Whether in our relationships, our families, our careers, or our leadership, we will sometimes make choices we later question. That doesn’t automatically mean we made the wrong choice.
Often, it means we were navigating competing values, incomplete information, real constraints, and imperfect circumstances. We made the best decision we could with the person we were, the knowledge we had, and the resources available to us at that moment.
Then life gives us something precious, more information. We learn. We grow. We understand ourselves differently. And sometimes we realise that if we faced the same situation today, we would choose differently.
That isn’t failure. That’s development.
Accountability and self-compassion can coexist
Self-compassion is often misunderstood as letting ourselves off the hook. It isn’t.
It doesn’t mean avoiding accountability, ignoring mistakes, or pretending our choices have no consequences. It means being able to look honestly at ourselves without turning a mistake into an indictment of our worth.
We can say, “I got this wrong,” and also, “I am not wrong.” We can say, “I could have handled that better,” and also, “I was doing the best I could with what I knew then.”
We can take responsibility without carrying shame. We can learn without punishing ourselves. And we can raise our standards without making our self-worth conditional on meeting them every time.
For high performers, that distinction matters enormously.
The goal isn’t to lower the bar. It’s to stop beating ourselves up when we don’t clear it.
The apology we owe ourselves
Perhaps the most courageous conversation we can have is the one we have with ourselves.
I’m sorry for the times I was harder on you than you needed me to be. I’m sorry for the times I made achievement feel like the price of being worthy. I’m sorry for expecting you to know then what you only learned later. I’m sorry for judging you for being human.
And then comes the harder part, I forgive you.
Not because it didn’t matter. Not because there’s nothing to learn. But because growth requires room to be imperfect.
What if we spoke to ourselves the way we speak to someone we love?
Imagine a colleague, a friend, a client, or someone on your team came to you after making a mistake. Would you tell them they were a failure? Would you remind them of every past misstep? Would you tell them they should have known better? Probably not. You’d listen. You’d help them understand what happened. You’d identify the learning. You’d encourage them to try again.
Because one difficult moment doesn’t define an entire person.
So why is it sometimes so difficult to offer ourselves that same humanity?
Self-compassion may simply be the decision to extend inward the kindness we so readily extend outward.
Grace is not weakness
Grace doesn’t mean lowering our standards. It means recognising that we are human while we pursue excellence.
We are allowed to be works in progress. We are allowed to make mistakes, change our minds, and discover that what worked five years ago no longer works today. We are allowed to be ambitious and still need rest. We are allowed to care deeply and sometimes get overwhelmed. We are allowed to lead others while still learning how to lead ourselves.
Because high performance was never supposed to mean getting everything right.
Perhaps it means being willing to reflect, learn, adapt, repair, and begin again.
The courage to begin again
There’s a particular kind of courage in saying sorry to someone else. There’s another kind in turning that compassion inward.
In sitting with ourselves and saying, I see you. I’m sorry. I forgive you. I’m still learning. I’m still trying. I don’t have to be perfect to be worthy of compassion.
We can hold ourselves to high standards without holding ourselves hostage to them. We can pursue excellence without demanding perfection. We can be accountable without being cruel. And we can keep growing without believing that growth requires us to dislike who we are today.
The goal isn’t to become someone who never gets it wrong.
It’s to become someone who can get it wrong, learn from it, forgive themselves, and courageously try again.
Because sometimes, the person most deserving of the grace we so generously give to others is us.
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Andi Saitowitz, Business Psychologist & Professional Coach
Andi Saitowitz is a Business Psychologist, transformational coach, and powerful voice in personal development, leadership, and human potential. Through her coaching, speaking, Radio & Podcast Show Life & Lattes, and growing the Positive Recharge community, she inspires people to navigate change with courage, resilience, and purpose. Known for her bold authenticity and deeply relatable insights, Andi blends psychology, strategy, and soul to help people grow personally and professionally. She is the author of the Rise & Shine Personal Development Journal, proud mom of three, and passionate believer in meaningful growth, community, fitness, faith, and living fully.
