The 3 Ways We Self-Sabotage Relationships
- Dec 1, 2022
- 4 min read
Updated: Dec 4, 2022
Written by: Rebecca Helps, Executive Contributor
Executive Contributors at Brainz Magazine are handpicked and invited to contribute because of their knowledge and valuable insight within their area of expertise.
There are many ways we self-sabotage. Essentially anytime we are acting from the ego, we are self-sabotaging. When operating from the ego, we act out of fear. We are trying to avoid some outcome, situation, or event. Unfortunately, when acting from a place of fear, we create the outcome we were trying to avoid.
In relationships, we usually want to avoid the person leaving us, getting mad at us, taking a dislike of us or thinking we are not competent. To prevent these outcomes, we behave in ways that we believe will be beneficial. We can see how we harm ourselves by taking a step back and looking at a situation differently.
For a more in-depth take on self-sabotage, check out Get Out of Your Own Way: Overcoming Self-Defeating Behavior by Mark Goulston and Philip Goldberg.
Avoiding Conflict
Don't rock the boat. Just bit your tongue. It's not worth saying anything. We tell ourselves these things to avoid conflict. We will often deny that there is a problem or any reason to be upset. We will believe that a fight will be avoided by not saying anything. Preventing a conflict avoids hurting another person's feelings. Assuming it is better for the relationship if we don't tell people we are upset and we don't make them upset by telling them what is upsetting us.
That's a lot of upset!
The problem with avoiding conflict is that when you are part of a long-term relationship (with a partner, family, friends, or co-workers), you can only stuff down and deny your feelings for so long. No one is a bottomless pit. Meaning people will run out of space to contain all of their upsets and frustrations. My mom used to tell me that if I was upset to put it in a suitcase and store it in the back of my head (aka the attic). I used to imagine my attic overflowing and suitcases flowing down the stairs and filling up every inch of the house until I was trapped and unable to move.
When we run out of room, we often explode with anger. A big fight ensues. And that fight is usually over something small and insignificant, which leaves the other person confused and wondering what the big deal is. They are further baffled because it seems like our personality has changed. They think, "she was always so calm and patient. I wonder what has gotten into her."
Ultimately by avoiding conflict, we end up in a dispute anyways. By addressing small hurts as they come up and letting people know when we are upset, we can resolve issues when they happen.
Being Sneaky
We self-sabotage when we find indirect ways to communicate. In other words, we are passive-aggressive. We are upset with someone, but instead of dealing with the issue directly, we focus on frustrating the other person. On some level, we believe that if the person experiences how frustrated and upset we are, they will stop doing whatever they are doing that is frustrating us. Or at least we won't be the only person that is upset.
By being passive-aggressive, we can avoid being the one who initiates conflict. One of the main problems with passive-aggressive behaviour is that it erodes trust and makes a relationship feel unsafe. A solid and healthy relationship is impossible without trust and a feeling of safety.
By being direct and sharing feelings, even feelings of upset and frustration, a relationship grows and becomes healthier and more robust.
Putting Our Needs Above Others
It is essential to think of our own needs and put them forward in a relationship. That is not a problem. It is a crucial part of a healthy and well-balanced relationship. The problem is putting our needs above others. When a person is aggressive in their behaviour, they are essentially saying what they want and need is more important than what others want or need. They will raise their voice, use threatening language, use physically threatening body language or get physically aggressive by throwing, hitting or breaking things. The purpose is to create an unequal relationship. For a relationship to be healthy, there needs to be a give and take. Sometimes both people's needs are met, and sometimes one person's needs take precedence over the other and then it switches.
We drive a wedge into the relationship when we fight to ensure our needs always come first. We chip away at its foundation until nothing is left.
If the relationship isn't important, then this isn't self-sabotaging behaviour. However, if the relationship is important, then it is self-sabotage. People will often see their needs as being vital to the relationship. "I need to work these hours to provide for the family," "I need you to not talk to other men/women because it makes me jealous," " I need you to be home more because I don't like it when you are out so much, we don't have couple time." Whatever the reason, trying to solve a problem by aggressively putting your needs over the other person's will only hurt the relationship.
The bottom line is that when we use direct and assertive communication where we share our feelings directly, using 'I' statements, we create strong and healthy relationships. When we don't do this, we harm our relationships and ultimately cause our worst-case scenarios to manifest.
So, next time you feel something, say something.
Rebecca Helps, Executive Contributor Brainz Magazine
Rebecca Helps grew up thinking she was fundamentally flawed and believed people didn't like or want her around. This left her alone, exhausted, anxious, depressed and afraid. Rebecca's anxieties and fears impacted both her personal and professional life. She knew she needed to do something to get her life back on track. Rebecca took action, signing up for a personal growth course, which was also the start of a 3-year counsellor training program.
As a Registered Therapeutic Counsellor, Rebecca uses her counselling skills to help individuals and organizations heal, grow, and be the best version of themselves. Rebecca believes that because we spend most of our day at work, it is essential to foster mental health by bringing psychotherapy directly into our places of work.
