Stuck in the Past After a Breakup?
Written by Tessa Sillifant, Founder of Self Trust Reset
Tessa Sillifant is an author and a passionate advocate for personal leadership and wellbeing. She is the founder of Self Trust Reset, a personal development platform helping individuals rebuild confidence and rediscover who they are after a breakup.
Love is a universal language that engages the brain’s dopamine reward system, contributing to feelings of euphoria, happiness, and a general ‘feel-good’ state.[1] When a relationship ends, it can turn our world inside out and leave us hurt. Research shows that emotional pain and physical pain activate the same brain regions, highlighting an overlap in how we experience emotional and physical pain.[2]
The way we operate in society makes it easy for us to find ways to heal physical pain. For example, if we cut ourselves, we’d wash the wound and cover it with a plaster. If we broke our leg, we’d go to the hospital for an X-ray and treatment. Yet, when we deal with emotional pain, it can be easy for us to try to ignore our feelings, bury the pain, or engage in avoidant or unhealthy behaviours to pretend that everything is okay.
Depending on the situation, people may process the end of a relationship in different ways. For example, if the breakup was unexpected, you may find yourself in denial as your brain tries to catch up with what has occurred. This may lead you to furiously try to piece together the clues about how you ended up here and dissect interactions and conversations you can remember.
If you expected the relationship to end, you may feel freedom and excitement about this next chapter of your life. However, that doesn’t necessarily stop waves of regret and sadness that can arise from losing hope for what you once thought life would be.
Some people move forward quickly after a relationship ends. They may move into a rebound situation or know exactly what they want because they’ve been in the wrong relationship for a long time. Yet sometimes, people get stuck in the past and can't move forward.
Safety
One reason people can feel stuck in the past is that romanticized memories of an ex can take their minds to a place that feels safe. Studies show that feelings of nostalgia towards a former partner can have a positive effect if the person has moved on, as it helps them to see how far they have come. However, if they are still emotionally attached to their ex, it can prevent them from investing in or committing to a relationship.[3]
Intermittent reinforcement
Sometimes, people can find themselves living in hope and searching for clues that their ex will return. The notion of remaining hopeful can be reinforced intermittently by small, unpredictable actions, such as receiving text messages, or by reminders that elicit strong emotions, such as photographs. If they don’t get closure on the relationship, their brain may keep focusing on the situation without reaching a solution, leaving them stuck in a negative loop.[4]
Missed opportunities
When the brain gets stuck in a negative thought pattern, it can drain mental capacity and reduce the ability to socialise and focus on things that make you happy. This can also limit your opportunities to rediscover yourself and reclaim your identity.[5]
Empower yourself after a breakup
The mindset we bring to this new chapter of our life can make a huge difference. It can help us support ourselves through it.
If I could give you one piece of advice to help you move forward, it would be: do what you can to empower yourself. When you’re doubting yourself, empower yourself. When you’re questioning reality, empower yourself. When you feel the world is against you and your world has turned upside down, empower yourself. Here are some reminders to help you do this.
Don’t forget
Your feelings are valid. You are reacting and behaving based on the information you have at the time. People change, and you’ve changed. You’re not the same person you were before.
The biggest achievements come from the greatest challenges. You deserve to move forward with your life and be happy. You don’t have to be liked by or be friends with everyone. You only need one person in your corner, and with over 8 billion people in the world, someone out there will understand you and be someone you can trust.
Your 2.0 self will achieve great things. Change brings opportunity, and opportunity brings new thinking, people, and a brand new chapter to be written! You are in the driver’s seat of your own life!
Navigating the end of a relationship is a life transition that brings change and uncertainty. However, it’s also an opportunity to reevaluate and reset. There will be an adjustment period as you move from making decisions as a partnership to learning what needs to be done and understanding this new version of yourself. Yet you'll also encounter lots of positives on your journey.
Have you felt stuck for a while but feel ready to move forward with hope, clarity, and excitement? Self Trust Reset offers an online course called “Heartache to Happiness” that you can complete at your own pace. The course serves as a practical toolkit and is filled with reflective workbooks and short video clips to help you navigate this new chapter. It focuses on wellbeing and takes you on a journey of discovering yourself, so you can feel excited about moving forward and planning for the future.
If sitting at a computer isn’t your thing, you can opt for the Self Care Package, which delivers course highlights in small portions to your door over five weeks. If this sounds like something you’re ready for, head over to Self Trust Reset and check it out!
Visit my website for more info!
Read more from Tessa Sillifant
Tessa Sillifant, Founder of Self Trust Reset
Tessa Sillifant empowers individuals to realise their full potential through practical, solution-focused strategies. With over a decade of experience in tertiary education, Tessa has led initiatives across wellbeing, diversity, equity, and inclusion, driving meaningful change and enhancing the student experience. With a Bachelor of Applied Science (Psychology), a Master of Teaching (Primary), and a Diploma in Professional Coaching, Tessa is on a mission to be a catalyst for positive change, enabling individuals to feel grounded so they can grow, lead, and contribute with purpose.
References:
[1] Zeki, S. (2007). The neurobiology of love. FEBS Letters, 581(13), 2575–2579.
[2] Kross, E., Berman, M. G., Mischel, W., Smith, E. E., & Wager, T. D. (2011). Social rejection shares somatosensory representations with physical pain. Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences of the United States of America, 108(15), 6270–6275.
[3] Emamzadeh, A. (2023, April 7). Memories of your ex may benefit your current relationship: Nostalgic memories of one’s ex can positively affect perceptions of self-growth. Psychology Today.
[4] Science Insights. (2026, March 16). Why you hold on to the past and how to let go.
[5] Kucyi, A., Kam, J. W., Andrews-Hanna, J. R., Christoff, K., & Whitfield-Gabrieli, S. (2023). Recent advances in the neuroscience of spontaneous and off-task thought: Implications for mental health. Nature Mental Health, 1, 827–840.
