Stop Trying So Hard
- May 19, 2025
- 4 min read
Written by Dr. Kim Dang, Transformation Coach
Dr. Kim Dang is renowned as a transformative coach in the field of personal development. She is the founder of the Art of Starting Over, a premier coaching program, and a strong advocate for unlocking individual potential.
There’s a peculiar sting to hearing “you’re trying so hard,” especially when it’s not a compliment. I recently felt it in an accent reduction class, when my acting teacher’s words landed not as praise, but as a gentle rebuke. In that moment, I wanted to play, to create, to trust my intuition and lived experience. Instead, I was told I was effortful, striving, pushing, trying too hard.
Thirty years ago, I would have glowed with pride. “You’re working so hard” was the gold star, the pat on the back, the proof that I was a good girl, a good student, a good citizen. I was conditioned, like so many of us, to believe that following the rules, working hard, and seeking approval would deliver success, acceptance, and belonging. But now, in my early 40s, I see it differently. “You’re working so hard” sounds more like an insult than a compliment. It means I’m gripping too tightly, trying to control everything, and forgetting the magic that comes from openness, ease, and joy.
The science of stress, performance, & what happens when we try too hard
Modern research confirms what many of us have felt: trying too hard can backfire. The Yerkes-Dodson Law, a foundational concept in psychology, shows that while a moderate amount of stress can boost performance, too much effort and pressure actually lead to worse outcomes. When stress or effort is too high, our performance deteriorates, and perfectionistic striving becomes counterproductive. This is especially true in creative or high-pressure environments, where over-effort leads to anxiety, muscle tension, and a loss of flow. Studies also show that acute stress reduces our willingness to put in effort, not just for ourselves but for others, and makes tasks feel more physically demanding.
Hustle culture, which glorifies relentless striving, has real costs: chronic stress, anxiety, and even depression. Many find themselves caught in a cycle of “do more, achieve more, be more,” never feeling like they’re enough and rarely allowing themselves to rest. The constant push for external validation-accolades, praise, and approval-can become exhausting and ultimately unsatisfying.
Societal conditioning: Why we strive
Why do we try so hard? Because we’ve been trained to. From childhood, we absorb the values and beliefs of our families, schools, and culture. We learn to seek approval and measure our worth by our productivity and compliance. This societal conditioning is so deep that we often mistake it for our own desires. As adults, we internalize messages about what success looks like, who we should be, and how hard we should work. These “invisible chains” keep us obedient, focused on fitting in, and wary of stepping outside the accepted norms.
Social conditioning doesn’t just shape our ambitions; it also gives rise to hustle culture and the belief that stress and busyness are badges of honor. We become like Pavlov’s dogs, salivating for the next “good job,” the next sign that we’re enough. But this comes at a cost: we lose touch with our intuition, our playfulness, and our authentic selves.
The alternative: From striving to ease
If you choose a different path, a life guided by intuition, ease, and joy, you need new skills and mindsets:
Immunity to external approval: You must find a way to become immune to whether others like you or not, and to accolades. This means redefining your sense of worth from within, rather than relying on external praise or validation.
Shifting from hustle to flow: Research shows that the more relaxed and present you are, the better your performance, especially in creative or high-stakes environments. Letting go of the “work hard” mentality allows you to access flow, intuition, and excellence.
Redefining success: True success is not about how hard you work, but how well you live. It’s about building a life that feels good, not just looks good on paper.
Letting go of guilt: Society often equates rest with laziness and stress with virtue. To live differently, you must let go of guilt around rest, fun, and joy, and recognize them as essential to well-being and real achievement.
Building inner resilience: Developing cognitive control and emotional resilience skills that allow you to stay calm, self-manage, and focus on the present are key to thriving without striving.
“The [Yerkes-Dodson] law suggests that putting too much effort into tasks may be unnecessary (at best) and counterproductive (at worst). Perfectionistic striving and the stress associated with it increase the risk of inaccurate and inefficient performance. People with perfectionism might achieve the same (or better) results if they approach activities in a less effortful and pressurized manner.”
Becoming the creator, not the dog
It’s time to stop behaving like dogs waiting for the next reward. Instead, let’s become creators- people who celebrate moments of genuine pride, not because someone else approved, but because we showed up authentically, played fully, and trusted the process.
Let’s stop searching for the next shoulder pad and start searching for the moments when we’re simply enjoying life, present and proud of what we’ve created, not because we tried so hard, but because we let ourselves be.
Stop trying so hard. Start allowing, listening, and creating from a place of joy, ease, and authenticity. That’s where the magic lives.
Read more from Dr. Kim Dang
Dr. Kim Dang, Transformation Coach
Dr. Kim Dang is a notable figure in the realm of transformative coaching and personal development. As the founder of the Art of Starting Over, a premier coaching program, she stands as a strong advocate for unlocking individual potential. Her diverse journey across various disciplines, from academia to the creative arts, enriches her unique approach to guiding others toward fulfilling futures. With her company, Dark Runner, she is dedicated to celebrating unique human stories and fostering authentic connections.
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