Still Angry, Still Hurting – Honoring the Wound That Won’t Heal
Written by Anna Kuyumcuoglu, Licensed Psychotherapist
Anna Kuyumcuoglu is well-known for her somatic psychotherapies. She is the founder and CEO of Wall Street Therapy, a private practice in the heart of New York's financial district.
When the anger toward your mother and childhood wounds don’t seem to heal, it can feel deeply painful and confusing, especially if you’ve already done years of inner work. This kind of stuckness often signals that the wound is layered, and part of you may still be holding on for very valid reasons.
Here are some pathways to consider
1. Acknowledge the depth of the injury
Some wounds, especially those involving betrayal, neglect, or emotional abandonment, cut into the foundation of safety and love. These are not just emotional events; they shape identity, trust, and nervous system wiring. If your pain feels “stuck,” it may be because it deserves to be honored at the depth it exists.
2. Grieve what wasn’t
Unresolved anger is often grief in disguise. Grieving doesn’t just mean crying; it means truly letting in the truth of what was lost, what was never given, and what will never be. This includes the fantasy that your mother will change, or that someday she’ll finally understand.
3. Talk to the part that’s angry
Using Internal Family Systems (IFS) or parts work, you might begin dialoguing with the part of you that holds the anger. Ask it:
What are you protecting?
What do you want me to know?
What do you need from me now?
Often, the anger is not just rage; it’s a protector trying to keep you from feeling powerless, heartbroken, or betrayed again.
4. Let go of the idea of “healing” as completion
Sometimes healing doesn’t mean the anger disappears; it means the anger no longer runs your life. You might still feel flashes of rage or sorrow, but they no longer define you. Healing can be learning how to be with the wound, rather than trying to erase it.
5. Honor the anger without becoming it
There is nothing wrong with being angry at your mother. In fact, it may be a sign of your own self-worth emerging, saying, “What happened to me was not okay.” But if you become fused with the anger, it can isolate you or keep you reliving the past. You might need a safe space (like with a trauma-informed therapist) to metabolize this safely.
6. Consider reframing your relationship with “forgiveness”
Forgiveness is not about condoning harm. It’s about choosing peace for yourself. If forgiveness feels impossible, that’s okay. You don’t have to force it. But you can explore what letting go of needing her to be different might mean for you.
7. Explore somatic or energetic practices
Sometimes the mind can’t do what the body needs. Consider somatic experiencing, EMDR, breathwork, or energy work to move trauma and grief out of the nervous system. These wounds are often stored in the body, not just the mind.
8. Set clear boundaries (internally and externally)
If you’re still in contact with your mother, observe what keeps reopening the wound. Sometimes healing can’t begin until distance and boundaries are firmly in place. Even if you’re no longer in contact, setting internal boundaries (like not rehearsing certain hopes or stories) can be just as important.
9. Let it be unfinished
Some relationships never resolve. Some people never understand. And some wounds remain tender. The deepest healing sometimes comes not from “fixing” it, but from learning how to live well despite it.
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Read more from Anna Kuyumcuoglu
Anna Kuyumcuoglu, Licensed Psychotherapist
Anna Kuyumcuoglu is a trauma-informed licensed psychotherapist specializing in body-based somatic psychotherapy. With a deep understanding of attachment and nervous system regulation, she helps individuals move beyond adaptive survival strategies toward secure, embodied connection. Committed to creating a safe and attuned therapeutic space, Anna supports clients in strengthening their capacity for co-regulation, self-trust, and relational intimacy. Grounded in a compassionate, integrative approach, she empowers individuals to reclaim their resilience and experience more authentic, fulfilling relationships—with both themselves and others.
