Self-Worth Isn’t Something You Find, It’s Something You Activate
Written by Serena K. Elizabeth, Wellbeing Specialist
Serena K. Elizabeth specialises in helping women understand how to feel better about themselves. Drawing on her own lived experience of perimenopause, trauma, neurodivergence, and years of studying the mind, she created Calm Healing to support women in their own transformation, one day at a time.
Self-worth is one of those things I spent years searching for outside of myself. If you have ever felt that something was missing until the right person, the right moment, or the right situation arrived, keep reading. I lived that way for a very long time, and I want to share how I finally started to see it differently and how you can too.
What the fairy tales taught us
In her book Worthy, Jamie Kern Lima wrote, “As little girls, we learned through books and movies that we need someone else to rescue and complete us.”
Jamie then wrote about how many of the classic children's stories, especially those for girls, follow the same pattern.
Cinderella is transformed by her fairy godmother, then the prince marries her, and she moves into his castle.
Little Red Riding Hood is rescued from the wolf by a lumberjack.
Rapunzel is rescued from captivity in the tower when the prince climbs her hair.
Snow White and Sleeping Beauty are both saved by “true love’s” kiss.
Ariel’s voice is restored by the prince’s kiss in the animated version of The Little Mermaid.
There are countless other examples, and the message underneath each one is the same. Only when that other person or situation arrives can we finally be whole and happy.
I am really loving reading Jamie's book, and her words have stayed with me. She explains that if we have yet to find that person or have yet to be rescued, we believe we are incomplete. So we search tirelessly, looking for love, without realizing that we ourselves are love. Before looking for a lifelong partner in love, she says, “we need to first learn to love ourselves”.
My own fantasy of being rescued
I feel a bit silly to admit this, but when I was young, I really believed in the fairy tales of Disney. I knew they were stories. Still, as a neurodivergent child surviving traumatic family issues and later as a young adult, I had created the fantasy that someone would come and save me.
In my fantasy, once that someone arrived, everything in my life would be fixed. I would be healthy, and I would be happy. It was a comforting idea, and I held onto it for years. If you grew up with the same stories, you may recognize the pattern of quietly waiting for a life to begin once the right person or situation shows up.
So many of the books and movies continued to reinforce this idea. As a survival strategy, creating a fantasy land in my imagination was very comforting. It worked. I did survive all the traumatic experiences of my childhood and adult life.
How perimenopause changed everything
However, I didn't have any awareness of this fantasy land that I was mentally living in until perimenopause hit me. I thought everyone lived in their head the way I did.
Perimenopause was a seismic shift for me, as that was when I also gained awareness that I am AuDHD (autistic and attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder), which means my brain is neurodivergent and wired differently from what is currently perceived as “normal”.
Being rescued meant that someone would save me from the emotional and physical pain I was suffering. I had no concept of how to deal with it myself. I did not even know I was in survival mode.
Learning to be kind
I got married at 24, and I thought I was “grown up.” I did not learn until I was 42 that our brain's emotional centre does not become fully formed until 25. At that age, it's still very new. Like a baby giraffe, it takes a few additional years to mature and find its strength. Although age is not a guarantee, some people never fully develop their emotional skills or awareness.
When I learned about this, I thought about the 24-year-old version of me who felt so sure she was an adult. She was doing her best with what she knew. She didn't know then that she was living in a fantasy land of her own imagination. I try to think kindly of that younger version of me.
Looking for happiness
Then the reality of married life hit me. I would like to say that was the moment I realized Disney was wrong. But for a long time, I just thought that maybe I was the one who was wrong and that long-term happiness was out of reach for me. I had been taught to look outside of myself for happiness, peace, and emotional stability. That's why it took so long to find. I was looking in the wrong direction.
A lot of us innocently do this. It is such a natural conclusion when the stories we grew up with say a rescuer is the answer. Then, if we achieve the result or the situation we have been waiting so long for, and life is still hard, it is easy to decide the problem must be us.
I continued in my personal quest to feel whole and “enough”, and it has been a real rollercoaster ride. Perimenopause completely changed everything for me, and at first, the change was a difficult one. Later, with more research and understanding, I began to accept the idea that the person I was waiting for was actually me.
It took me a long time to accept, despite reading it in many different books, that the only person who could actually save me was me.
3 things to consider
If you are in the middle of your own search, here is what I would offer from my experience.
Waiting for a rescuer can keep us from seeing our own strength.
A hard season can become the doorway to self-acceptance. We can find hidden gifts in our challenges.
Uncovering our hidden thoughts, beliefs, and long-held fantasies can change how we feel about ourselves.
Is self-acceptance possible?
Today, I am riding the waves of learning how to fully love and accept myself. It is a daily practice, and it looks different from one day to the next, especially with the fluctuating and declining hormones of perimenopause.
I am learning to accept myself in all the weird and wonderful ways my brain behaves. For a neurodivergent woman who once waited for someone else to fix everything, this is a big shift. Self-acceptance means I can look at how my brain works and feel fascination and amazement. The things I used to view negatively about myself, I am now looking at as a work in progress. I am reminding myself that our brains have an amazing capacity for change, also known as neuroplasticity. Evelyn Waugh is quoted as saying, “If we argue for our limitations, we get to keep them.”
I am also learning to let go of resisting life as it is in this current reality. Resistance was a big part of my waiting. When we believe a rescue is coming, it is easy to push against the life we currently have.
Sometimes I still catch myself in waiting mode, maybe waiting for a goal to be achieved or for some other magical moment. Since studying neuroscience, I now recognize that my brain is just doing what is familiar. I have the power to teach it a new pattern.
Tiny habits to activate your self-worth
Reading (and listening to audio) helps me absorb and adapt to new ideas. Each new idea gives me a perspective to consider and decide if it will be valuable in my life.
Since perimenopause, I have had to adapt my reading habit to sometimes only 5 to 10 minutes at a time. Short reading sessions still add up, and a few pages each day keep new ideas moving through my mind.
I am regularly learning new ways to activate my own self-worth. Here are some of my current habits that you can customize for yourself.
Reading motivational books (5 to 10 minutes).
Listening to uplifting music that also helps me move my body.
Updating my own Tiny Habits system according to what is really important to me in this current season.
Learning QiGong and Energy Medicine. Both are good for emotional and physical health.
Learning to be present in this moment, rather than relying on “I will be happy when.”
None of these practices is a finish line. Each one is a small way of showing up for myself, which is the rescue my Body/Mind was waiting for all along.
Who are you waiting for?
The fairy tales taught us to wait for the castle, the kiss, or the rescue. My own story taught me something different. The person I was waiting for was an inside job, and my self-worth was never out there waiting to be found. It was something buried inside of me, now activated by one small choice at a time.
Questions for reflection
If you recognize yourself in any part of my story, here are a few questions to think about.
Which fairy tale message or limiting belief did you absorb as a little girl?
Where in your life are you still waiting to be rescued or completed?
What is one small way you could show up for yourself today?
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Read more from Serena K. Elizabeth
Serena K. Elizabeth, Wellbeing Specialist
Serena K. Elizabeth is a Wellbeing Specialist and the founder of Calm Healing, dedicated to supporting women navigating perimenopause, trauma, and neurodivergence. After experiencing years of unexplained health challenges, anxiety, and burnout, her diagnosis of neurodivergence in her 40s provided a transformative perspective on a lifetime of feeling inadequate. Combining over a decade of expertise in Emotional Freedom Techniques (EFT) and Neuro-Linguistic Programming (NLP), Serena centers her practice on nervous system regulation, self-compassion, and practical brain science. Through insightful Masterclasses, writing, and resources like her guided workbook journal, I Am Enough, she helps women shift from trying to fix themselves to realizing they were complete all along. You can claim a free gift and learn more about her work here.
