Written by: Melissa Deally, Executive Contributor
Executive Contributors at Brainz Magazine are handpicked and invited to contribute because of their knowledge and valuable insight within their area of expertise.
With the Holiday Season upon us, I thought I’d take some time to write about the fact that it is okay to say ‘No’ to people, in order to say ‘Yes’ to yourself! So often we end up being in a state of stress and overwhelm because we’ve over-committed ourselves. This of course, can happen at any time of year, but is even more prevalent in December, when there are so many social events happening, as well as fundraising for good causes, gift-buying, meal planning, grocery shopping, cooking and baking, gift wrapping, not to mention all the school events, holiday concerts and more!! How does one get through the season without burning out?
Let’s talk about the power of the words ‘yes’ and ‘no’, and how when we use them incorrectly, we can end up stressed out and burned out, and yet that is exactly what most of us do. We have big hearts and want to help others and so we say ‘yes' to others all the time, but don't realize that in doing so, we are saying ‘no' to ourselves. We need to instead start saying ‘no’ to others, which automatically results in us saying ‘yes' to ourselves. They are such simple words that we use all day long, but very often we use them incorrectly. I know I was using them incorrectly until one day I learned this lesson! I was always that person, helping others, volunteering at Girl Guides (Girl Scouts), managing my daughter’s soccer teams, volunteering in the classroom, handling the ticketing for Father/Daughter dances, helping fundraise for good causes, all while holding down a full-time job and trying to be a great wife and mother…was I actually doing anything for myself? NO! I wasn’t, I thought that was selfish, I thought I had to look after everyone else and everything else first and only after all that, could I look after myself!! Well, guess what, there was never time left over for me! So life felt overwhelming and stressful, but I just accepted that as normal as everyone else seemed to never have enough hours in their day either. I had also seen my own parents volunteer at my school and my brother’s school, and at our sporting events, so I just thought this was my way of paying it forward. They’d done it for me, so I needed to do this for my kids. And then, when I started my first Health Coaching course after being dumped on my rear-end by the corporate world (if you want to read that story, click here), I was told that “Self-care is the most selfless act”...and that hit home with me! Whoa! What a concept! I’d never heard that before, but it made sense the more I thought about it ‒ I mean they tell you to put the oxygen mask on yourself first in an airplane right? I created my own manta as I stepped into this new way of thinking, which I want to share with you as I hope it helps you also allow yourself to look after YOU first!!!
“Self-care is the most selfless act, as it allows you to show up and give the world the best of you instead of what’s left of you”.
What does this have to do with the words ‘yes’ and ‘no’ you might ask? A LOT!! Because if you are saying ‘yes’ to other people all the time, volunteering and helping everyone, you are saying ‘no’ to giving yourself the time to look after YOU!
And it can be hard to say ‘no’ when you are used to saying ‘yes’, it takes practice, but I promise you, it can be done! You do not have to do everything! I remember the first time I said ‘No’ to someone. I was being asked to organize next year’s career day at my daughter’s high school. I also knew I had to practice saying ‘No’ and realized this was a great opportunity to start and so I said “No, I’m sorry, I’m too busy right now, I can’t do that,” or something along those lines. As I said it, I felt incredible guilt, while I watched her face contort into shock at hearing me say the word ‘No’, because of course she had asked me knowing I’d say ‘yes’, because I always said ‘yes’! As I watched the shock on her face, I started to feel a bit guilty, and then she said “What am I going to do if you won’t do it?” and then my brain started messing with me too, as it was whispering to me ‘You know you can do this with your eyes closed and your hands tied behind your back, why don’t you just say yes?’, but another part of my brain had me determined to commit to my first time using the word ‘No’!. So I said to her, “Why don’t you reach out to some parents who don’t normally volunteer and see if they’ll do it, it’s their chance now”. I have no idea who organized career day that year, but I do know it happened. After leaving that meeting, I actually felt good about saying ‘No’ for the first time! I was proud of myself and realized it wasn’t that hard to do! I also realized that I had just created more time for myself! Instead of working all day long building my business and then all evening long reaching out to businesses to invite them to career day and all the other myriad of things I would have been doing to make that event happen, I could have my evenings to do what I wanted to do! I created time in my calendar for me, for the first time ever! The next step I took to ensure I used my time wisely is that I labeled activities into that time blocked in my calendar, such as “yoga” or “walk” or “read” or “bath” or “catch up with XXX”, so that I knew how I was going to spend that time, doing things that were going to fill my cup! I noticed if I didn’t have an activity planned, it was too easy to waste that time scrolling social media ‒ which is most definitely NOT self-care time! In fact, there is research that shows a direct correlation between the amount of time spent on social media and depression! So, have you stopped to think about where you might be able to start saying ‘No’ in your life to create some zen space for yourself? I’ve learned a thing or two since I first started saying ‘No’ to others and ‘Yes’ to myself, and one of those things is that it comes down to having boundaries. This is also something I had to learn to implement in order to create my “zen space” in my life.
Now I am VERY protective of my zen time!
I fumbled my way through my first ‘No’, but I’ve learned there is a 3 step process to setting boundaries and creating space for yourself and so I’ll share that with you here so you can start using this technique right away and set yourself up for a truly peaceful and joyous holiday system, instead of a frantic, stressful experience.
Step 1: When someone asks for your money, time or energy, simply reply with
“Thanks for asking, Iet me get back to you.” This gives you the space to think about whether you want to give your time, money or energy.
Step 2: Ask yourself these 3 questions:
Do I have it to give? (time, money, energy). If no, you will then reply with a “No.” If yes, continue with the next question…
Do I want to give it? (because just because you have the time, money or energy, doesn’t mean you actually want to give it away and if you don’t, you will reply with a “No”. If you do, then continue to the next question.
Under what conditions? For instance, if you are being asked to babysit a grandchild or niece/nephew, you might want to require that they are fed and in their pyjamas before you arrive, or you may specify the parents need to be home by 11pm, as you have an early start the next day. If you’re letting your teen use your car, you might specify they remove all garbage and ensure the gas tank isn't empty when they return it to you.
Step 3: Reply with a ‘yes’ or ‘no’, and if saying yes, provide any conditions If replying with a ‘No’, remember that you can simply say “No.”
This is a complete sentence, it doesn’t have to be justified! (This may be the most important lesson of this whole article! You do not have to justify why you are saying no to something!) Here is a useful agreement frame you can use to create boundaries and conditions: I love and appreciate X and I need Y…
(Use AND, not BUT, as but cancels out the first part of the sentence.) For example: “I love and appreciate that you are offering me the opportunity to spend time with the kids, and I need them to have been fed and be in their pyjamas before I arrive.” Or
“I love and appreciate that you are offering me the opportunity to spend time with the kids, and I need you to be home by 11pm.” Or
“I love and appreciate that you can drive yourself to work now and are independent, and I need the car to come back to me, with gas in the tank and all garbage removed from the front and back seats.”
So to recap, when you look after YOU, you feel better, have more energy, are happier and can give your loved ones the best of you. All too often we take out the worst of us on our loved ones, when we are under stress. This holiday season, give them the best of you, by using these tips to create time and space for you and in doing so, I hope you get to enjoy the holiday season at a whole new level this year.
And I want to personally wish you a very happy holiday season and a wonderful 2023. Thank you for reading my articles, if you liked this article and would like to read more from me, simply click here.
Melissa Deally, Executive Contributor Brainz Magazine
Melissa Deally is an Integrative Health Practitioner & Registered Health Coach, dedicated to helping her clients get to the root cause of their health issues and truly heal. Melissa’s business is 100% virtual, and she works with the entire English-speaking world. Melissa uses a 2 prong approach:
Discover your toxic load and lower it
Discover your body’s imbalances and support them with natural supplements and herbs so the body can come back into balance, at which point it will heal itself. This is done through the use of Functional Medicine lab tests, mailed to your home!
Melissa offers a very high level of support, to ensure her clients’ success, as we navigate the path of bringing the body back into balance while creating new lifestyle habits to ensure lasting results.
Melissa is the winner of the 2021 Quality Care Award by Businesses From The Heart and has been featured in Pursuit 365, and Fresh Magazine, featuring 365 Canadian Women who lead by example in the everyday pursuit of success, happiness, and achievement. Melissa is also the host of the “Don’t Wait For Your Wake Up Call!” podcast, a podcast offering practical education around health, which ranked in the top 5% of Global podcasts by Listen Notes in the first 3 months of launching.
