More Freedom, Better Sex – Is 40 the New 20?
- Brainz Magazine
- Jul 16
- 8 min read
Donna Reynolds empowers clients to build confidence, understanding it as the foundation for achieving personal goals. With experience working with people of all ages, her Confidence is Key approach helps foster a positive mindset, enabling individuals to move forward with clarity, self-assurance, and resilience.
Someone recently told me about an interview with Charlize Theron that had been discussed on TV. In it, she shared something that sparked a great conversation between my friend and me. Since then, it has stayed with me, because more and more, I’m hearing similar conversations, especially from middle-aged women.
In the interview, Theron said:
“I’m the last person to ask,” Theron said, after being asked for her best sex advice. “I’m sounding very cocky here, but I think it’s because I found this freedom in my forties, where I’m like, ‘Oh my God.’ So I just want to say this in perspective. I’ve probably had three one-night stands in my entire life, but I did just recently f--- a 26-year-old, and it was really f---ing amazing, and I’ve never done that, and I was like, ‘Oh, this is great, OK.’”
At first glance, it might sound like a typical celebrity moment, but something deeper is going on here.
My friend and I ended up asking ourselves: Is this the way forward? Are we witnessing a shift in how women, especially women in midlife, view sex, relationships, and freedom?
In my therapy practice, I work with many women recovering from narcissistic relationships and the trauma they bring. One of the most common themes that comes up is emotional attachment and sex. The question is often: Can I have sex without becoming emotionally attached? Or more importantly: Do I want to?
What I’m seeing is a growing number of women, particularly those in their 40s and 50s, starting to explore sex without guilt or the need for emotional attachment, and certainly without the belief that they owe anyone anything.
It’s as if there’s finally space for women to choose. Not just in theory, but actually choose.
And it’s not just older women. Younger women, too, are drawing boundaries that society hasn’t quite adjusted to. There’s a new language emerging:
“This is my body. I have a career. I have dreams. Do I want to give you access to my reproductive ability? Or do I want to do something else with my life?”
We are seeing a quiet revolution.
Older women, often financially secure and emotionally grounded, are no longer chasing validation through relationships. Younger women are questioning the long-standing narrative that their ultimate purpose is to marry and have children. Across generations, the message is becoming clearer: I choose. Not society. Not a partner. I’m not obliged.
So, what does this mean for the future?
Perhaps it means more women making decisions from a place of freedom instead of fear. More sex without shame. More relationships based on desire, not duty. And maybe, finally, a cultural shift where women get to define intimacy on their own terms.
For many years, someone very close to me has spoken about her experiences dating younger men. And if I’m being completely honest, I judged her. I’ve always seen myself as a bit of a traditionalist. I guess it’s like I’ve said in previous articles: you can’t fully understand something until you’ve lived it.
Recently, during one of our catch-ups, she said something that really made me stop in my tracks:
“Younger men have always treated me with more respect.”
At first, I thought: Really? Is that true? But then I caught myself. How can I judge when I’ve never had that experience?
As our conversation continued, she shared more about her relationships and how they’ve made her feel, not just physically, but emotionally. She said:
“For years, I’ve been trying to be the good girl, the good mum. Where has it got me? I’m completely on my own. My kids are grown up and living their lives. So, who exactly am I trying to please by denying myself love, respect, or even just good company? I’ve dated older men, and honestly, they haven’t treated me well. So, you know what? I’m going to do what makes me happy.”
I thought about this for a moment:
When speaking with clients, my advice is to do what makes them happy. To stop waiting for permission. To break free from guilt and obligation. And here I was, judging someone close to me for doing just that, simply because her choices didn’t line up with how I thought things "should" be.
She’s speaking from experience. And if being with someone younger makes her feel good, respected, and happy, why shouldn’t she?
Which brings me to a question that often comes up, both in conversation and in therapy:
Are women able to have sex without becoming emotionally attached?
The answer? It depends. It depends on the woman, her life experiences, where she’s at emotionally, and what she truly wants. Some are absolutely fine with it. Others aren’t. And both are completely valid.
What matters is choice. Consent. Freedom. The ability to tune into what you need, and not what the world expects of you.
Like I said earlier, if this were a client sitting in front of me, I’d absolutely say, “If you’re truly OK with this, then do it.”
Who am I to tell someone what happiness should look like for them? No one has that right.
And if I were doing that, judging someone’s choices, telling them how they should live or love, then really, isn’t that a bit narcissistic of me? To assume I know better than someone about their own joy, their own needs, their own body?
The truth is, I do believe she’s happy. Whether she’s dating, not dating, having fun, or staying single, what matters is that she feels good about her choices.
If she wants to be with someone younger, then yes, she absolutely should be.
We spend so much of our lives as women trying to tick boxes: be the good daughter, the good mum, the good wife, the good friend. And sometimes, we look up one day, the house is quiet, the roles we played have faded, and we ask, "Now what?"
The “now what” can be terrifying, or it can be freeing.
What I’m starting to see, both in my personal life and in my work, is that more and more women are choosing freedom. Freedom to say yes. Freedom to say no. Freedom to feel pleasure without guilt, to date without needing a long-term plan, or to walk away from old stories that no longer fit.
So if it feels right, and it brings peace or joy or even just a sense of curiosity, why not
?For a time, I used to look at people who had multiple partners and wonder if they were trying to fill a void. Maybe it was a distraction, or a way to feel something in the midst of emotional pain.
But what I’m witnessing now feels different. There’s a groundedness to it. A sense of clarity and agency. It’s not about escaping; it’s about choosing. And maybe the difference isn’t in the behavior itself, but in the intention behind it.
This is about choice. This is about confidence. This is about women stepping into their power, often in midlife, and saying, 'I finally know who I am.' I know what I want. I know what I won’t settle for.
It’s not about rebelling. It’s about releasing.
As we keep saying: if you’re genuinely OK with what you’re doing, if it feels aligned, honest, and healthy for you, then it’s your choice to make. No shame. No judgment. No explanations needed.
Sexual freedom in your 40s? Who knew?
Well… obviously, the women in their 40s who came before us did.
We’re just catching up and finally giving ourselves permission to enjoy it.
Some might say this kind of sexual freedom or independence is a step backward. But is it?
Women in their 40s and 50s are looking at the younger generation and thinking, "Wow… this is freedom. This is what we should have been doing all along." But for many of us, it wasn’t even on the table. These weren’t conversations we were encouraged to have. Autonomy, pleasure, choice—these weren’t part of the script.
And yet, here they are, young women out in the world, living their lives unapologetically. Making decisions that would have seemed wild or even shameful to us at their age. But the truth is, they’re not wild. They’re free to make these choices.
And what I’m realizing now is: so are we.
Maybe we didn’t get that freedom in our twenties. Maybe we didn’t have the knowledge, the confidence, or even the language to claim it back then. But we have it now.
You get to say, “This is mine. This is not yours to take, or control, or shame. I will choose what I want to do with it.”
How amazing is that?
When I say this is mine, I’m talking about our reproductive systems, our sexual freedom, our bodies. They belong to us. It’s ours to do with as we please. Of course, there will always be people with opinions, but that’s the beauty of this generation: they know they have the freedom to choose. They’re not waiting for permission; they already have it.
As I write this, I’m reminded of something my nana used to say: “It’s a woman’s job to take care of a man.” I’ve written about this before. I remember saying it was the worst piece of advice I ever received, but it came from a place of love, of protection.
It was given with the best intentions. But if that’s the kind of messaging women were raised with, is it any wonder our views on sex, relationships, and self-worth were so skewed?
Maybe that was just the truth of their time. Maybe it wasn’t even advice; it was survival. But not anymore.
I have a daughter in her early 20s, so for many years my house has been full of young girls who are now young women. They are open and honest and know what they want. I would never have had the freedom to speak with my mother like they do to me. I love that while they have been evolving and growing, so has my generation. I love that we can openly have conversations, and we never judge or treat each other like anything that they are doing is about anything other than choice. Choice is so powerful, and these girls are doing amazing things. They’re out in the world making their own path and choosing what comes next for them, in their lives and careers, and it has been an amazing journey to see them evolve.
What comes next? Like we’ve explored throughout this piece, we don’t really know. And that’s okay. What matters is that we’re finally in a place where we get to evolve as ourselves, without guilt, without explanation. We get to choose whether that’s connection, solitude, intimacy, or stillness. That is freedom in itself. And maybe that’s the point: not having the answers, but knowing that whatever comes next is something for us to choose.
Read more from Donna Kirsten Reynolds
Donna Kirsten Reynolds, Cognitive Behavioural Hypnotherapist
Donna Reynolds discovered her passion for mental health and personal growth while living abroad and navigating her own challenges. After experiencing a sudden divorce that mirrored the struggles of many women around her, Donna sought to understand why such upheavals were so common. This quest led her to study mental health and behavior, ultimately guiding her to Cognitive Behavioural Hypnotherapy. She believes that by changing our thoughts, we can overcome any barriers and create meaningful, lasting change in our lives.
