Mind the Gap – How Expectations Feed the Divide in Relationships
- Brainz Magazine
- 2 days ago
- 12 min read
Eszter Noble is an RTT® practitioner, Clinical Hypnotherapist, and Coach, specializing in anxiety, fears, and depression. Her method utilizes the most effective techniques from CBT, NLP, psychotherapy, and hypnotherapy, with the ability to provide freedom from any issues and deliver permanent, lasting solutions.
From the moment we meet someone special to the last second, regardless how it ends, expectations are a constant companion of the relationship, weather we like it or not. Relationships thrive on connection, trust, and mutual understanding, yet nothing undermines these foundations quite like unmet or unspoken expectations. The “gap” between what we anticipate and what actually happens can quietly widen the divide between partners, fostering frustration and emotional distance. Understanding how expectations shape, strain, or sustain our relationships is the first step to bridging that gap. We all enter relationships with a set of beliefs formed by experience, upbringing, culture, and media about what love should look and feel like. Expectations shape how we think our partners should act, communicate, and respond, but rarely do both partners share precisely the same assumptions.
First mistake: Thinking we think the same way
Have you ever had an aha moment where the clouds part, the sun shines through, angels sing, and you just realised where you’ve been going wrong all this time? I know I have, and it’s the best feeling, until you forget the lesson and make the same mistake again. I’m not ashamed to admit that I have forgotten before that men and women simply don’t think the same way. For instance, we might expect that if there’s an issue, a man will address it, talk about it but unfortunately, we are wired differently and that’s fine, there’s so much beauty in variety. The problems start when we disregard these differences. To make matters worse, we usually discuss our problems and air our frustrations with friends of the same sex who will only reinforce our assumptions and biases. Advise from the opposite sex isn’t always available and even if it is, being truthful might feel like they are somehow betraying their own kind, giving away too much.
Remembering that the decision-making process is vastly different for men and women can save you a lot of heartache. Even if the exact workings of a wo/man’s mind aren’t clear, it’s absolutely crucial not to make assumptions or jump to conclusions. Never expect the other person to behave or react a certain way.
Hormonal differences also affect how men and women think, mainly because sex hormones like oestrogen, progesterone, and testosterone influence brain development and function in different ways. For example: before birth, men typically get more testosterone, which helps shape brain areas related to spatial skills and certain types of learning, while girls’ brains get more oestrogen, promoting connections that support verbal memory. This early hormone environment sets up the basic brain differences that affect cognitive strengths later on in life.
Never expect the other person to act a certain way. While some expectations are healthy like trust and basic respect, others can be unrealistic, rigid, or simply unreasonable. More importantly, when left unaddressed, these assumptions set the stage for disappointment and division. A gap arises whenever reality fails to meet our expectations. Over time, these gaps can become bigger, feeding a cycle of dissatisfaction and resentment.
The key to successful, loving relationships lies in recognizing and respecting the innate psychological and emotional differences between men and women. Rather than expecting a partner to think, feel, or react the same way you do, you need to communicate openly, accept each other, and support your partners’ unique needs. Keeping that in mind allows partners to grow closer, navigate conflicts more easily, and create stronger, happier relationships, something I’m sure we all aspire to have.
In my humble opinion saying that men and women ‘are the same’ and we shouldn’t speak about differences as we are all equal, is somewhat ignorant. It’s like putting on a blindfold and walking towards the edge of a cliff, hoping it will all be fine somehow.
When talking gets you nowhere
Most women crave clarity, they are great communicators but in a lot of cases they may be using the wrong strategy or just far too many words. They will most likely have wholesome and healthy friendships, making the confusion all the more prominent. The issue? you guessed it, the same strategy and way of communicating that works so well with other women, won’t work on men.
Women tend to be on the more emotional side, while men are logical, they need facts, evidence and rational in conversation. Often a woman’s A, B, C may be 1,2,3 for a man. One way is not better than the other, we just need to be able to navigate the differences.
Women more often than not, just want to be heard; they don’t necessarily need a plan of action right away. They are brilliant and resourceful, but do require emotional support. Showing genuine interest by listening attentively, responding with empathy, and validating her feelings and experiences, not just offering solutions is essential. There needs to be a space where a woman feels safe to express herself without judgment or dismissal, and where her thoughts and boundaries are respected. Women often prefer conversations that builds connection through shared understanding, warmth, and non-confrontational dialogue, valuing authentic compliments, honest feedback, and conversation that isn’t just meant to appease or impress.
Most men grow up with a conditioning that they need to be tough and strong. They are not in touch with their needs, so it can be hard for them to even articulate what they desire. Men need to feel respected, appreciated, and genuinely listened to in conversation with women. Respect is foundational, they want their opinions, ideas, and individuality to be valued, rather than dismissed or belittled. Men also appreciate recognition for their efforts and contributions, whether those are acts of service, problem-solving, or simply showing up in the relationship. Many men feel connected when they’re allowed to help or support their partner, so showing gratitude for both big and small gestures can be very powerful. In conversation, men tend to thrive when women show interest in their thoughts, hobbies, or passions, as it signals genuine engagement and acceptance. While emotional connection is still important, men may sometimes prefer supportive, solution-focused exchanges, but they also want space to be emotionally vulnerable without fear of judgment.
If we zoom out a bit, we can clearly see that there are similarities, and healthy conversations thrive when both partners focus on listening, validating, and respecting each other while remaining open and authentic. This approach allows both men and women to feel connected, valued, and supported during their interactions.
On that note, I want to switch gears slightly and discuss pillow talk and how to time thigs right. Very often, women will want to talk right after sex, and men don’t, which leads me to my next topic.
Sexpectations and how to ensure a happy ending
Typically, we might think of sex as a very intimate and bonding experience that will solidify a relationship, but it’s crucial to understand the differences and nuances, especially in the early stages of a relationship, to avoid heartache. Unfortunately, often after sex, we want quite the opposite.
Most men feel relaxed, content, and even sleepy after sex. The release of prolactin and endorphins, along with a decrease in blood flow to the genitals, leads to a sensation of calm and drowsiness. This is usually accompanied by a feeling of satisfaction and an acute desire to rest.
While men do experience a release of oxytocin (the bonding hormone), research suggests that the effect is less pronounced because of the influence of testosterone, which can dampen the bonding feeling compared to women. Some men can feel emotionally closer to their partner, especially if there is a strong pre-existing bond, but others may feel emotionally neutral or even detached, particularly after casual sex. Therefore, it’s not surprising that men prefer to have some distance or alone time after sex, which can seem at odds with their partner's needs, often rooted in biology and social conditioning rather than an indication of a lack of affection. Don’t assume that silence is a bad sign.
Women typically experience a stronger surge of oxytocin after orgasm, which intensifies feelings of closeness, trust, and affection toward their partner. This can manifest as wanting to cuddle, talk, or remain close following intimacy. Women often feel more emotionally connected and affectionate after sex, regardless of whether the sex was with a long-term partner or in a more casual context. This is heavily influenced by oxytocin and other bonding neurochemicals. Many women not only enjoy touch and conversation after sex, feeling more content and valued through physical closeness and emotional sharing, but they almost demand it. They ask for validation and reassurance.
It’s important to mention that not all women respond the same way; for some, especially after casual sex or if the emotional connection was lacking, the post-sex period usually involves complex feelings, ranging from happiness to vulnerability or even regret. Everyone’s experiences are unique, it really depends on the relationship, personality, and the situation. Still, knowing about these differences and patterns can help us understand each other better and handle those post-sex moments with a bit more empathy. It’s especially important to know the differences to avoid disappointment or even a broken heart. Finding a healthy middle ground is usually the best solution.
When a gap is a good thing
Right after sex, isn’t the only time when allowing some breathing space is good. Especially in earlier stages of a relationship what most men may not admit is, falling for someone can be overwhelming, it can push them out of their comfort zone, stir up their emotions and throw them for a loop. Men are taught to be strong and in control, yet all of a sudden, they have involuntary feelings, thoughts and a desire to do things that they were not expecting. Not only the male conditioning but the human mind as well, are now out of their comfort zone, feeling uneasy. For the mind, anything unfamiliar is deemed a potential threat. The immediate instinct would be to retreat, as they feel they are dealing with too much uncertainty.
So, how to manage a man that is ‘threatened’ by love and affection? What to do when he becomes cold and starts pulling away? Proceed with caution!
Many experts will say that you have to know your worth, while silently and with immediate effect removing yourself from the situation. Never look back. No explanations, no arguments, no nothing.
I would say, to take most advice just like you would your favourite meal, with a pinch of salt.
How can you make a definitive choice if you don’t have the necessary information? You should leave because you expected a steady, reliable, predictable man? When someone goes quiet, how can you know what is truly going on? It’s very important to have high standards, but let’s not confuse them with unrealistic expectations. No one will ever do everything right, at all times.
Giving people, especially men some space can definitely be helpful, however communication remains the foundation of a successful relationship. Do not assume you know what’s happening. If you feel disrespected by the behaviour, make one clear and calm statement, from a place of wanting to understand the situation and not with a tone of blame. Once you’ve done that, you can absolutely focus your energy on yourself, giving your partner some space. Allow him to come to you.
We can never force someone to feel the way we may want them to, we cannot except them to behave in the exact way we need them to, on our timeline but by providing some space to breathe, we give them the opportunity to make a choice on their own terms. Threatening, shouting, and crying will never create a space for a healthy relationship to flourish. It occasionally needs some air.
There can be so many reasons for silence and my concern is that if we just pack up our worth and go each time, we risk losing some valuable people for the sake of being self-righteous.
I had a client recently, who reacted very badly to unexpected, sudden silence, but instead of inflicting emotional vomit on her partner, and pointing out all the things he may have done wrong, she made just one very clear statement, expressing her feelings in a calm and rational way.
It turned out that her partner's father had a serious health scare, and he just wasn’t his usual self; he was consumed by fear and uncertainty. They were able to talk it out and are now closer than ever. Honest dialogue turns hidden expectations into shared understanding. This can sometimes be a partner expressing a need for some space, which can strengthen a relationship, while unexpressed feelings and unmet needs weaken it over time.
How to bridge the gap
So how do we figure out the best possible way to communicate our feelings, make the right moves at the right time to avoid disappointment, and have the harmonious relationships we desire? It's simple. By minding your own business! I said it’s simple, I didn’t say it’s easy. Some could argue that a romantic relationship or a love interest is very much part of their life or business, as I call it, and that’s true. The problem starts when we focus on wanting the other person to behave in a certain way, want to change them, or even focus on potential that is just perceived. At this point, we are no longer focusing on our life but have become invested in bending someone’s behaviour to match what we want. Unfortunately, imagining what could be has nothing to do with reality. One golden rule of dating, being with a partner in the long run, is to pay attention to what they do and not what they say. Early dating is a bit like running for an election, a lot of promises are made, perhaps an enticing picture is painted of what could be, and as things progress, reality falls short of the expectations.
Minding your own business and focusing on yourself is great for a couple of reasons. When you focus your energy inward you are less effected by external elements and events. If and when you are able to fill up your own cup first, you won’t be in any need to get from others. Of course, it’s a nice addition, but there’s no desperation. You are happy within yourself and exude peace and confidence, which is also incredibly attractive. A strong initial draw is often based on looks, body language, or even unique style that can make a woman stand out in a man's mind, but it won’t be enough to sustain attraction. Confidence, wit, a sense of humour, or simply having a unique, authentic vibe captivates men. Assertive, self-assured women are especially memorable and alluring. If a woman has qualities that are rare, mysterious, or a bit elusive, it can leave a man wanting to know more, fuelling his imagination and curiosity. The element of “not easily attainable” is a strong drive for a lot of men, and that comes from having a full life, not waiting around for him to call.
Even in long-term relationships, you should never stop growing, investing in yourself, and maintaining a level of mystery. Sometimes, perceived unattainability or the challenge of winning her affection makes a man pursue a woman more intensely. This taps into both competitive instincts and the human tendency to idealize what we can't easily have. I’m not suggesting to play games or be dishonest but think of it this way. If you could find diamonds on the side of the road or under any park bench, they just wouldn’t be that special.
Once you have a strong foundation, are self-assured and with stable grounding we can look at improving the interactions with others to foster great relationships. So, let’s look at some other ways to handle these differences and navigate the choppy waters of relationships:
When there’s a discussion to be had, there’s an argument that needs to be settled, it’s important to remember that it should only involve those concerned. Leave your ego out of it! Do your best to come from a place of love, and never argue for the sake of winning.
Take a step back, zoom out a bit, and ask yourself if the matter at hand will still be important in a few years’ time. Is it worth potentially damaging the relationship for the topic at hand?
Remember that feelings are not facts! You expected him/her to do something and it now all went wrong. You didn’t get what you wanted. (S)he probably didn’t plan to piss you off on purpose. Seek to understand, find out what the actual intention was behind the behaviour.
Create regular listening hours. Check in with your partner regularly by creating a safe space when they can express themselves uninterruptedly. One person should speak while the other just listens. No judgment, no advice, no action plan, just active listening.
When it comes to relationships, there is a lot to consider, of course, but my advice is simple:
“Don’t expect, express.” Share respectfully how you feel, communicate openly. Don’t set yourself up for failure by just waiting around for the other person to figure out what you need and want. It doesn’t matter how close you are, how much passion you have, or if you occasionally finish each other’s sentences. Remove as much unnecessary friction as possible by communication honestly.
Practicing appreciation is also a powerful tool. While expectations look to the future (“I need you to do this”), appreciation roots us in the present (“Thank you for what you’re already doing”). Shifting focus from what’s missing to what’s working can transform relationship dynamics for the better. Life is hard enough; let’s not make things more complicated than they have to be.
Read more from Eszter Noble
Eszter Noble, Clinical Hypnotherapist & Coach
Eszter Noble is an established Clinical Hypnotherapist using the RTT® (Rapid Transformational Therapy) method, trained by world-renowned hypnotherapist Marisa Peer. She is known for dealing with extremely difficult cases and clients who have been stuck for years and who have tried it all. Specializing in anxiety, fears, and depression, she is extremely intuitive and honest, dedicated to empowering her clients to become the best possible versions of themselves. Offering her expertise in English, German, and Hungarian, Eszter’s mission is to take the taboo out of therapy.
