Love And Marriage – Do I Have To? How To Be Happy Alone
- Brainz Magazine
- Jan 30, 2023
- 4 min read
Updated: Feb 6, 2023
Written by: Dr. Faye Borja, Executive Contributor
Executive Contributors at Brainz Magazine are handpicked and invited to contribute because of their knowledge and valuable insight within their area of expertise.
If someone told me over 20 years ago that I would be single with no kids, I might have cried, thinking there is no way possible that this was going to be true. I used to write letters to myself about where I would be at certain times in life.
For instance, at 15 years old I wrote a letter to myself with the following list of goals that I was to accomplish by the time I was 24 years old:
Have a motorcycle
Have a job where I get to dress up
Be married to (insert name of the high school sweetheart that I thought I would be with forever)
The list may have included other superficial or adrenaline-junky-type activities. However, the main goal I so wished to be true (at the time that I wrote it) was to be married with kids. I used to imagine what kind of mother I would be. I pictured being as supportive a wife as my mother was. She cooked meals every day, kept the house clean, and hand-washed my dad’s military uniforms. Our home was so full of life with my four siblings all singing, dancing, and running around the house. I wanted just as much ruckus in my own home.
Now, fast forward to the age of 40, I often get asked the question “When are you going to get married?” Another question is “How come you don’t have kids?” Well, as I mentioned, there was a time when I wanted all of that. I was engaged before, and the plan was to get an early start on building a family. Yet something in my gut kept telling me that I could do/have/be more. That in no way implies that the person I was with treated me any less than I deserved. He was ready to give me the world. Maybe I was not ready, or maybe I had an inkling that being with your high school sweetheart forever was not a likely occurrence. Whatever the case, I decided not to go the “traditional route” of a life expected of a woman in a serious relationship and childbearing age.
According to Goldberg Jones, the millennial marriage rate at 26% is “the lowest in years,” with Gen X at 35%, and baby boomers at 48%. One of the reasons for this pattern is the focus on education and career. If I am being completely honest, I gave up my potential military spouse’s life to pursue my education at the university of my choice. I did not want to follow another person’s career. I did not want to focus on the kids that I know would get my undivided attention and love, thus putting my aspirations on hold. These are choices that I made, and there have been times that I’ve pondered over the “what if’s,” but I do not regret a thing. I am proud to be a millennial because of the opportunities that I was able to foresee.
What does a fulfilled life by myself look like? Here are 7 tips:
Focusing on friendships.
Companionship can come from various relationships. Building effective communication skills and strong connections can be practiced with family and friends. Satisfying this Sense of Belonging decreases overall anxiety, depression, and loneliness.
Changing your perspective.
Life can get uncomfortable. Sometimes being alone is uncomfortable, and that is okay. Experience the feelings and breathe through them. What are some things we can appreciate in the moment or in our lives?
Learning to enjoy solitude in private.
Individuality is what makes us unique. It is beneficial to build a relationship with ourselves and appreciate our ideas, imagination, skills, and so on. This can be in the form of meditation or watching your favorite show/movie.
Learning to enjoy solitude in public.
While sitting with our thoughts and hobbies can be fun, we sometimes feel the need to group or be around others. Try going to a bookstore or coffee shop and sitting. Read a book by yourself or simply observe. Feel the sunlight. Hear the birds (or traffic) and allow yourself just to be. Now ask yourself, am I truly “alone” in this world?
Learning a new hobby.
A craft, a card trick, a language, a new aquarium…there are so many wonderful and interesting things to do!
Finding a purpose.
Getting outside of ourselves and doing activities that benefit others always feels good. Volunteer work is an excellent contribution. Perhaps your job gives you purpose, or even teaching someone a new hobby you have learned gives you purpose.
Identifying characteristics that you like about yourself.
This is often the hardest task for many. It is easy to point out our flaws because we naturally want to be a part of and accepted by others. Repeat after me: “I am awesome.”
The anxiety over the pressures of societal expectations is still heightened for many. If you feel that anxiety or depression is getting in the way of your daily activities, it is best to reach out for professional help. At therapeutic practices such as GO! Therapeutic Services & Supervision, LLC or The Hardy Clinic, expert therapists help you manage anxiety and learn skills that will help you reduce negative thoughts or behaviors.
Dr. Faye Borja, Executive Contributor Brainz Magazine
Dr. Faye Borja is a licensed psychotherapist. Her years of experience in mental healthcare and in leadership has allowed her the opportunity to share her insight within supervisory, training and mentorship roles. She values integrity, honesty, kindness and growth. Running her first marathon is what led her to her doctoral journey. She often says, “if you can achieve any distance, you can go even further.” She owns GO! Therapeutic Services & Supervision, LLC, and is also the Clinical Manager at The Hardy Clinic in Atlanta, Georgia, USA.
