LifeArchitecture: Part 2 of 23 – Before You Change Your Life, Understand What is Holding It Together
Agnes Szabo is an entrepreneur, author, and creator of LifeArchitecture, with more than three decades of experience. Built through LifeCode, LifeCommand, and LifeInspiration, LifeArchitecture is a methodology connecting clarity, decision-making, and the development of solutions.
When something in our lives is no longer working, our first instinct is usually to change it. We think about a different job, a different relationship, a different city, more money, more time, or more freedom. Our attention immediately turns to what we want instead.
But there is a harder question that comes first: What is keeping in place what I no longer want? A life situation rarely continues simply because we did not have the courage to change it.
Usually, it has its own internal logic. Until we understand that, we are not really changing our lives. We are only moving one piece.
Something can be wrong and still work
That distinction matters. A life situation can be bad for us and still be perfectly stable. A job can provide a reliable income while giving us almost nothing else. A relationship can provide familiarity, company, and security while no longer providing real closeness. A role can make us feel important while completely exhausting us.
A life can look functional from the outside. The bills are paid, responsibilities are handled, and the people around us know what to expect from us.
The system works. It just may no longer work for us. That is exactly why it can remain in place much longer than we expect.
Every stable situation gives us something
If something has been part of our lives for a long time, it usually serves a function. It may provide money, security, status, predictability, control, a sense of belonging, or it may simply protect us from having to face the unknown.
That is why it is not enough to say: “I do not want this anymore.” The harder question is: “What am I still getting from this that makes me keep it?”
It is easier to blame a bad job than to admit that we have accepted it for years in exchange for security.
It is easier to talk about the problems in a relationship than to notice that we are also helping maintain the same situation.
It is easier to say we have no time than to look at what we keep giving our time to. The current situation does not simply exist around us. We help sustain it.
What looks like an obstacle may still be holding something up
We often look at an old habit, decision, or situation as though there is no reason for it to still be part of our lives. Usually, there is. It just may not serve the same purpose it once did.
Being overly cautious may once have protected us. Constant control may once have created stability. Avoiding conflict may have preserved peace. Constant achievement may have brought recognition. Taking care of everyone else may have made us feel needed.
We can continue maintaining something that once helped us long after the original reason for it has disappeared.
That creates a strange situation: What once helped hold our lives together can later prevent us from changing them. Not because it was wrong at the time, but because life changed while we continued holding on to the same thing.
Change is not only about what we gain
We like to think of change as something that adds to our lives, such as more freedom, a better job, a better relationship, or greater independence. But every serious change also removes something.
If we leave a secure situation, we may lose some of that security. If we set a boundary, someone may be unhappy with us.
If we stop taking responsibility for everything, we may no longer be the person everyone depends on. If we start living differently, the new version of us may no longer be convenient for people who were comfortable with the old one.
This is why we can genuinely want change while continuing to maintain the very thing we want to change. That is not necessarily a contradiction.
On one side of change is what we may gain. On the other is what the current situation is still giving us. If we see only one side, we are not seeing the situation clearly.
Not all resistance is fear
When someone says they want to change but still does nothing, it is easy to say: They are afraid. Fear can certainly be part of it. But on its own, that explanation is too simple.
What holds us back may be obligation, financial security, loyalty, habit, responsibility, the feeling that people need us, or the fact that the current situation has been part of our lives for so long that it has become difficult to separate it from who we think we are.
If we call all of this fear, we miss the more important question: What are we protecting by not changing?
The answer can tell us far more about our current lives than a list of what we want instead.
Understand what is keeping it in place
Clarity does not begin by asking how quickly we can change something. It begins by seeing why it is still there.
What is this situation still giving me? What am I protecting by keeping it? What would I have to give up if it changed? What am I already giving up by allowing it to remain?
These questions do not yet tell us what to do next. First, they show us something more fundamental. They show us why the current situation has been able to survive for so long.
This is an important part of LifeArchitecture. Before we decide what needs to change, we need to understand what has been keeping the current situation alive.
Once we see that clearly, we are no longer looking only at what we dislike. We are beginning to understand why it has stayed with us.
Have you come to the same conclusion?
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Read more from Agnes Szabo
Agnes Szabo, Entrepreneur, Author & LifeArchitecture Creator
Agnes Szabo is an entrepreneur, author, and creator of LifeArchitecture, with more than three decades of experience in real estate development, education, and building businesses. LifeArchitecture is the conceptual and methodological system developed through her three books, LifeCode, LifeCommand, and LifeInspiration, guiding the process of consciously shaping one’s life from clarity through decision-making to solutions. Her work is defined by creating, thinking independently, and building systems that work both in theory and in practice. She is also the founder of Nilvara, which extends the ideas behind LifeArchitecture into a new physical form.
