Letting Go Of Fear And Saying Yes To Fear

Written by: Kristy Kilcup, Executive Contributor

Executive Contributors at Brainz Magazine are handpicked and invited to contribute because of their knowledge and valuable insight within their area of expertise.

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Hi! My name is Kristy Kilcup. I am the Founder and CEO of Version of YOU - 2.0 INC™. I help women overcome their struggles with weight loss. I do this through a variety of science-based methods to step up their health IQ and confidence. I use the power of hypnosis, long last habit change, stress management and offer a cellular support supplement to balance hormones and reduce inflammation.

I have been in the industry for almost 30 years and have experienced my fair share of turbulent weight loss/weight gain, and self-sabotaging roller coaster rides to last me a lifetime. I share these details with you to better understand my passion, expertise, and personal experience.

With all this time served in the industry of health, fitness and wellness, I've come to realize a few things:

First, we identify ourselves based on the experience we encountered as children (no great surprise, I'm sure), which often include perceived or real experiences of abandonment, neglect, or abuse. And secondly, as a result, we formulate clear rules around who we are, what we deserve and what we can and cannot have.

Do any of these rules ring true for you?

I am not enough,

I am different, and

It's just not available to me.

I am not enough suggesting that you identify yourself as not worthy. Undeserving of more or better than what you already have.

I am different, suggesting that you perceive yourself as someone who always stands out, doesn't fit in, is awkward and unique, and your perceived uniqueness makes you uncomfortable.

It's just not available to me is about feeling like what you want is not within reach. That you never seem to have access to it or that what you want belongs to someone else.

In the end, what we want to experience is love, safety and belonging.

Is there anyone in this world who didn't have some traumatic childhood?

Of course, this question is not to say that every child was abused, neglected or abandoned. However, despite this, anyone with worthiness issues can often trace the root cause back to their formative years where they felt abused, neglected, or abandoned in some way.

No pressure, parents! I'm a parent, so know that my statements made here come with my own set of worries and realization that I've likely messed up my 14 years old.

So if most of us experience worthiness issues and fear of failure, rejection, lack of control (which, by the way, I believe everyone fears), being different, being insignificant, and I can go on, what can we do about it?

Does this mean we are all just really messed up human beings? Well, to that question, I'll timidly reply with "sort of" (my people-pleasing, avoiding conflict response). And here's why:

As adults, we have this map that we have used to navigate our adolescence, youth and adult years that included a bunch of misguided turns, twists, one-way streets and hamster wheels.

So imagine, if you will, that as a child, you created roads on your map based on lessons learned. Much like an adult, when you hit a detour because of traffic, you know to take a different path the next time. We, as children, learn these same lessons. The lessons come in the form of experiences that affect how we feel about ourselves related to being loved, feeling safe and belonging.

So if you grew up with a sick sibling who took up much of the attention, it might have been your experience that you had to demonstrate your worth by offering value to gain attention. Or you had to be louder to cut through the noise to stand out.

If you grew up as the only child, you might have shouldered a great deal of responsibility - treated more like an adult than a child. Or where you could do no wrong - where the rules almost didn't apply to you, they could be negotiated or bent.

As a middle child, maybe you felt invisible and created default paths on your map that led to you walking behind others, staying small and conservative in what you say, how you move, act, and in the choice of clothing, you wore.

If you grew up as an older child, you might have been relied upon to help look after your sister or brother. And with many siblings, the responsibility may have doubled with two or more brothers and sisters to look after. As a result, it is hard to act and make age-appropriate decisions when playing the dual role of both guardian and kid.

As the "baby of the family," you may have developed a level of indecisiveness. With everyone looking after you, you didn't get to experience how to be self-reliant or trust your own decisions, where your independence was learned (and tested) only in your adult years.

So, do I think we all grow up to become messed-up adults? Sort of.

We created pathways on our map, navigating us through our childhood traumas, filling the knowledge gaps with made-up stories or lessons learned, all to acquire what we desire - to be loved, feel safe, and belong.

When we begin to understand that many of our choices result from moving away from our emotional attachments (to those experiences that traumatized us and the different events that created our made-up stories), it becomes clear why we get triggered. For example, we become triggered by our perception of someone being dismissive, of certain TV commercials, or the fear of delivering a subpar performance or body of work. In addition, we get upset about how someone is looking at us, defaulting straight to self-criticism about our worth and body image.

These triggers were born from the perceptions we created, stories we taught ourselves, beliefs passed down to us by those who influenced our development.

"I am not who you think I am; I am not who I think I am; I am who I think you think I am. "

This quote by Charles Cooley is probably one of my favourite quotes. It summarizes my article perfectly.

Our decisions and experiences are based primarily on our perceptions of the world and how we reconcile past events and weigh the impact of future events in how they may impact our need for love, safety and belonging.

Can you believe it? We make most of our decisions based on distortions of the truth.

So how can we let go of these old default patterns that stem from fear?

Well, to start, we must first realize that we are making a decision based on fear. By the way, in not making a decision, you are making a decision.

"If you choose not to decide, you still have made a choice." - Rush, Freewill

To move from making fear-based decisions, which likely results in repeatedly living the same hell loop, you need to acknowledge the emotional attachment you have to the potential outcome. Start by tracing back along the timeline of your life where you think the distorted storyline was born.

Here's an example:

My hell loop has to do with disappointing others. And of course, I only realized that after almost a decade of being stuck.

My problem was that I stayed in relationships far too long due to not wanting to disappoint others. Despite being unhappy, I couldn't leave almost paralyzed by the fear of hurting and disappointing those I love.

To understand why I was not willing to walk away, I had to determine why I was afraid to leave in the first place. In tracing it back along the timeline of my life, I realized that there were several events where I felt a deep sense of regret in having disappointed someone I loved. And as a result, I lost the confidence in making these emotionally powerful and decisive decisions to avoid any potential outcome of disappointing others and being considered selfish. It was far easier for me to carry the burden of my unhappiness than disrupt someone else's life.

Does any of this resonate with you?

That's a rhetorical question. Because, having worked with so many of you over the years, I know you share similar storylines, and that is why I am writing this today.

So, step one, identify the pattern of behavior and determine its origin.

Step two is to analyze that old storyline to determine its validity.

And let me help you fast track that process - whatever the storyline, it's a lie. It's false. It's not you. It was never you; it will never be you. It holds no power over you. You can Break FREE.

So, on your timeline, where can you find your first actual event that correlates with the situation you are struggling to overcome right now?

Now, begin to unravel that storyline. Step back, assess and extract the truth. What do you notice?

Was it really about you, or was it really about the other person with you? Did that person unknowingly transfer their fears onto you? For example, are you terrified of water, or was it your mother who couldn't swim that was afraid she couldn't save you if something should happen?

Was it your fault, or was it the result of an unavoidable situation? Or was it based on a series of events that you couldn't possibly take full responsibility for - such as the actions of someone else? For example, is it possible that you were not responsible for the collapse of your parent's marriage?

Was your action age-appropriate at that time? For example, would a 5-year-old have known the outcome? Should the 5-year-old have been in that situation? Given that level of responsibility or forced to make that type of decision? For example, should a 5-year-old be responsible for "watching" their younger sibling at the park while mom or dad sit off to the side?

How are you feeling right now? Can you extrapolate your ground truth based on these examples if none of the above rings true for you?

Step one: identify the pattern and determine the origin.

Step two: unravel the storyline and determine its validity.

Step three: take action.

Surprised?

No, I didn't think so. You need to dive in any way. Even though it's scary, you need to lean into fear.

Letting go of fear and saying yes to fear allows you to create awareness of where it comes from and then overcome it. It's the apprehension that stops us from taking action. Now listen, I'm talking about perceived danger, not the life-threatening situations of being faced by a lion, an attacker or anything else physical in nature.

But when the fear is a perceived threat, you take action.

You ask for the promotion.

You ask the person out for coffee.

You submit the report or presentation.

You step up and take the stage.

You go out on a blind date.

You tell that person you like them.

You say I love you first.

You join a group of people you've never met before.

You participate in the learn-to-run club.

Whatever it is, you lean into it.

As I am quoted having said, "the journey is never easy AND you are always worth the effort." Because you are worth it, life IS about experiences, lessons, growth, and NOT about mediocrity, complacency and the status quo.

The vision I have for all of you is to help you realize how to access the greatness that already lives inside of you by creating optimal health.

Through my products and services, I aspire to help as many people as possible transform their lives so they, in turn, can change the lives of those around them.

I write these articles from a place of love, compassion, and recognition that this may cause an emotional awakening.

Thank you for dedicating your time to opening up your mind to the possibility that already exists for you.

Here's to showing up for you.

Your Global Transformation Coach,

Kristy

Creator of Break FREE, Healthy YOU and the Accelerator Program

For more info, follow me on Facebook, Instagram, LinkedIn and visit my website!

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Kristy Kilcup, Executive Contributor Brainz Magazine

Kristy has been in the Health, Life and Wellness space for almost 30 years, so it comes as no surprise that she has created a weight loss program that goes well beyond weight loss!

Kristy's comprehensive industry experience includes her honours degree in health science and education degree in biology and physical education, certifications in Health, Life and Mastery Level Transformation Coaching, as well as Advanced Nutrition. In addition, Kristy is currently completing the pH360 certification, NLP Advanced Practitioner and RTT® Hypnotherapist license.

When working with Kristy, you can expect a holistic approach in tackling weight loss issues as she offers a flexible online weight loss program, group and 1:1 coaching sessions, and a cell signalling supplement, proven to improve hormone modulation, immune system function, inflammation, and more.