Learning to Leave Without Leaving
Written by Howaida Abdalla, Life Coach
Howaida Abdalla is a survivor of Female Genital Mutilation (FGM) and a life coach who has experience when it comes to the trauma that a survivor goes through and the journey it takes to heal. She helps women to reconnect and love themselves again. She is the founder of The Growth Hub Coaching and Women Empowerment Edition: Impact for Change Podcast.
Understanding how survivors can begin to free themselves from the past while continuing to live in the present. There are moments in life when we realise that although time has moved forward, parts of us are still living in the past. We may have grown older, built relationships, created families, pursued careers and achieved things we once thought impossible. Yet somewhere inside, memories, emotions and experiences can remain with us.
For survivors of female genital mutilation (FGM), learning to leave without leaving can be part of the journey towards healing. It is about recognising that what happened to us does not have to define every part of who we become.
Sometimes, leaving the past behind does not mean physically walking away. It means learning not to let the past control how we experience the present.
When the past follows us
Trauma does not always disappear simply because an experience happened many years ago. It can show up in unexpected ways, including fear, shame, anxiety, difficulty with trust or relationships, and a sense of disconnection from our own bodies.
For some FGM survivors, childhood experiences may have shaped how they understand themselves, their bodies and their place in the world. Growing up without the language to explain what happened can make those feelings even harder to understand.
We may learn to carry on without ever being given the opportunity to process what we have experienced. We become skilled at surviving, adapting and keeping our feelings hidden. But surviving is not the same as feeling free.
Leaving the shame that was never yours
One of the most important steps towards healing is recognising that the shame surrounding FGM does not belong to survivors. Too often, women and girls are left carrying the emotional weight of something that was never their choice. Silence, cultural expectations and fear of judgement can make it difficult to speak openly or seek support.
Learning to leave without leaving means beginning to release those expectations. It means understanding that your body is not something to be ashamed of, that your experiences do not reduce your worth and that your voice deserves to be heard. You do not have to keep carrying the responsibility for something that happened to you.
Learning to live differently
Healing does not require us to forget what happened. Nor does it mean pretending that painful experiences never existed. Instead, healing invites us to develop a different relationship with our past. It might begin with small choices like these.
Allowing yourself to say no without feeling guilty.
Building relationships where you feel respected and emotionally safe.
Learning to listen to your body rather than dismissing its needs.
Finding the confidence to express feelings you have kept inside.
Seeking professional support when you feel ready.
Giving yourself permission to experience happiness without feeling that you have to earn it.
These choices may seem small, but they can represent the return of personal freedom and control.
You are allowed to become someone beyond your experience
For survivors, identity can sometimes become closely connected to what happened to them. The word “survivor” can represent strength, courage and resilience, but it should never become the only way a woman is seen.
You are more than your trauma. You are allowed to be ambitious, joyful, creative, confident, loved and hopeful. You are allowed to build a future that is not centred entirely on what happened in your past.
There is no deadline for healing, and there is no single way to find freedom. Some days may feel easier than others. There may be moments when memories return, but that does not mean you have lost your progress.
Healing is not about never looking back. It is about reaching a place where looking back no longer takes away your ability to move forward.
A new meaning of freedom
Learning to leave without leaving is ultimately about reclaiming yourself. It is about recognising that you cannot change what happened, but you can begin to change how much power it has over your life today.
For me, this is one of the most important messages behind Beyond FGM: A Survivor Story of Healing, Voice and Reclaiming the Body. Healing is not about becoming the person you were before the trauma. It is about discovering who you are beyond it.
You do not have to abandon your past to create a different future. You can acknowledge it, learn from it and still choose a life filled with possibility.
You can remember without reliving. You can acknowledge without carrying shame. You can honour the woman you were while making space for the woman you are becoming. Perhaps that is what freedom truly means. You can finally move forward without leaving yourself behind.
A message to survivors
You have spent enough time carrying what was never yours to carry. You deserve a life where your choices matter, your voice is valued and your body belongs to you. Your past is part of your story, but it does not have to be the whole story. You are allowed to move forward at your own pace, in your own time.
"Your past may explain part of your journey, but it does not have to decide your destination."
Read more from Howaida Abdalla
Howaida Abdalla, Life Coach
Howaida Abdalla is a life coach who helps women (survivors) of Female Genital Mutilation (FGM) to reconnect & love themselves again. She was seven years old when the FGM procedure was done on her, which left her lost and disconnected not only from people, but also from herself. She has since dedicated her life to helping other survivors reconnect and love themselves. She is a founder of "The Growth Hub Coaching," where she helps & coaches survivors. Her mission is to help, inspire, and empower.
