Kirstey KAE Interview on Why Understanding Yourself is the Key to Resilience

Kirstey KAE is the Founder of Embrace Head and Heart Inc. and a resilience coach dedicated to making the science of resilience practical, understandable, and applicable to everyday life. Her work helps people better understand the patterns behind stress, behaviour, and resilience, making complex science easier to understand, relate to, and apply in everyday life.

In this interview, Kirstey challenges common misconceptions about resilience, explains why understanding should come before changing behaviour, and shares how asking better questions can transform the way we understand ourselves, strengthen relationships, and handle life's challenges.

Kirstey KAE, Founder and Resilience Educator

You describe resilience as something we build rather than something we’re born with, so what first inspired you to teach it that way?

For a long time, I thought resilience meant enduring whatever life put in front of us. It meant pushing through, keeping our struggles quiet, and convincing everyone, including ourselves, that we were okay. I got really good at that.

Like many people, I quietly struggled with my own mental health and spent years searching for answers that finally made sense of who I was and why I thought and felt the way I did. That search for understanding eventually became my work.

As I worked with children, families, and communities, I started hearing stories that sounded surprisingly familiar. Different experiences, but the same self-doubt, the same survival strategies, and the same belief that everyone else was coping better than they were. That's when everything clicked. Resilience wasn't something people either had or didn't have, it was something they had been building all along, often without realizing it.

Neuroscience gave me the language to explain what I had already been witnessing. That's why I teach resilience the way I do today. I don't want people to spend their lives asking, "What's wrong with me?" I want them to understand themselves well enough to ask better questions. The moment we stop seeing ourselves as problems to solve and start seeing ourselves as people whose experiences have shaped us, everything begins to change.

What does translating the science of resilience into everyday practice actually look like in your work with clients?

For me, it starts with helping people see themselves differently. Translating the science of resilience into everyday practice begins with changing the questions we ask ourselves.

Instead of asking, “What’s wrong with me?” I invite people to ask, “What has shaped me?” and “What has this thought or pattern been protecting me from?” More often than not, it's been trying to protect us from something painful, failure, judgment, disappointment, rejection, or loss. Shifting the question creates space for understanding, and understanding is often where resilience begins. Once we begin to make sense of those messages, resilience stops feeling like something we have to chase and starts becoming something we can intentionally build.

So often, we judge ourselves for feeling anxious, overwhelmed, reactive, exhausted, or stuck without ever stopping to ask why. We assume those experiences mean something is wrong with us when, more often than not, they're the brain and body's best attempt to protect us, adapt, or make sense of what we've lived through. That’s where I find the science incredibly hopeful.

Translating the science of resilience into everyday practice means taking concepts that can feel intimidating or overly academic, like neuroplasticity, the stress response, or trauma, and making them relatable enough that people can actually use them.

I’m far less interested in people memorizing how the brain works than I am in helping them recognize what’s happening in their own lives.

Sometimes that looks like helping someone understand why they shut down during conflict. Other times it’s recognizing that the constant knot in their stomach isn’t random or realizing that the critical voice in their head isn't the truth, it's a story they've been telling themselves for years.

When people begin to understand those patterns, something shifts. They stop asking, "What's wrong with me?" and start asking, "What is this trying to tell me?" Curiosity begins to replace self-judgment, and that changes everything. When people feel understood instead of criticized, even by themselves, they're far more likely to notice patterns, respond intentionally, and create changes that actually last.

That's what translating the science of resilience into everyday practice really means. It’s rarely about doing something extraordinary. It’s about learning to respond to ourselves and to life’s challenges with a little more understanding, intention, and compassion each day.

Your approach brings together neuroscience, behavioural science, positive psychology, and trauma-informed practice, so how do those disciplines strengthen one another?

I don't see these disciplines as separate, I see them as different pieces of the same puzzle. People are wonderfully complex, so I don't believe any one lens can fully explain why we think, feel, or respond the way we do.

I often think of these disciplines as answering different questions. Each one offers a different piece of the story. Neuroscience helps explain what's happening in the brain and body. Behavioural science helps us understand the habits and patterns we've developed. Trauma-informed practice asks what experiences may have shaped those patterns, while positive psychology reminds us that our story doesn't end there. It asks what strengths we can build, what gives our lives meaning, and what helps us move forward.

On their own, each discipline offers valuable insight. Together, they provide a much more complete picture of what it means to be human.

When those perspectives come together, we stop seeing behaviours in isolation or people as problems to solve. We begin to understand that every person is navigating life with a unique combination of experiences, biology, relationships, and environments that have shaped the way they think, feel, and respond.

The more completely we understand ourselves and one another, the more compassion replaces judgment, the more intentional our choices become, and the more possible it feels to build a life that’s guided by intention instead of survival.

Why do you think resilience is still so widely misunderstood despite the growing conversation around mental wellbeing?

We've made incredible progress in the way we talk about mental wellbeing, and that's something worth celebrating. More people are speaking openly about stress, anxiety, burnout, and trauma than ever before. Where we still have room to grow is in how we understand resilience.

I think one of the biggest reasons resilience is still misunderstood is because we continue to confuse it with endurance. We've celebrated people for pushing through, staying strong, and carrying on.

The challenge is that resilience is often judged by what we can see, while the most important parts are happening beneath the surface. We've unintentionally turned resilience into something we admire instead of something we understand. We celebrate the person who keeps going, but we rarely talk about the reflection, self-compassion, supportive relationships, boundaries, setbacks, and countless small choices that made that possible.

That's where I believe we've misunderstood resilience, and why the science matters. It reminds us that resilience is continually shaped by the way we think, connect, and respond to hardship. Resilience isn't measured by how much we can carry. It's measured by how we learn to carry it.

How could schools, workplaces, and families benefit from spending more time understanding behaviour before trying to change it?

I think the biggest benefit is that people stop working against one another and start working with one another.

When our first instinct is to change behaviour, our attention naturally goes to control, correction, and consequences. When our first instinct is understanding behaviour, our attention shifts toward collaboration, problem-solving, and connection.

In schools, that can mean responding to a struggling student with curiosity. Instead of asking “how do I stop this behaviour?” the question becomes “What might this student be experiencing that I can't yet see?” In families, it can create conversations that strengthen trust. Instead of approaching the moment with questions like “why won't my child listen?” or “why are they acting like this?” we shift to “How can I help my child feel understood before I expect them to understand me?”

In workplaces, it often leads to healthier teams because people feel safer speaking honestly about stress, mistakes, or challenges before they become bigger problems. When the question switches from “how do I get this employee to perform better?” to “What's making it difficult for them to succeed right now?” The whole culture changes. Although these environments look very different, they all have one thing in common: people thrive when they feel understood.

People change more readily when they feel understood than when they feel corrected. When we change the questions we ask, the conversations we have change too. If understanding becomes the starting point, people feel acknowledged and change stops feeling like something forced – it starts feeling like something people are genuinely able to grow into.

What is one simple habit that helps people regulate stress before it begins to overwhelm them?

Most of us don't realize we're becoming overwhelmed until we're already living there. If I could encourage people to build one habit, it would be creating small moments throughout the day to check in with themselves before they check out.

Stress rarely appears out of nowhere. Our minds and bodies usually send us signals long before we reach a breaking point. The challenge isn't that they fail to warn us, it's that many of us were never taught how to recognize what those signals mean. Over time, we become so accustomed to carrying stress that it starts to feel normal.

Taking just a minute to pause and ask, "What am I feeling right now? What was happening just before I started feeling this way? What's happening for me in this moment?" can completely change how we respond. Stressful moments are just that, moments. But they often shape the rest of our day. Maintaining the ability to choose our response, rather than simply react, is true resilience.

It might sound simple, but that's where resilience is built. Every time we pause long enough to notice what's happening within us, we create another opportunity to respond with intention instead of autopilot. Those small choices, repeated over time, are what strengthen resilience.

For someone who feels stuck in survival mode, where is the best place to begin rebuilding resilience?

If someone told me they felt stuck in survival mode, the very first thing I'd want them to know is this: survival responses exist for a reason. People are remarkably good at adapting to difficult experiences, this is simply proof that you are too.

The journey out of survival doesn't begin when life becomes easier. In that, the first step isn't changing our circumstances. It's changing the relationship we have with ourselves.

The challenge is that the strategies that once helped us survive can continue long after the danger has passed. Because these strategies were successful in helping us survive the past, we unknowingly learn to rely on them.

I've had seasons in my own life where getting through the day felt like enough. In the past I quietly struggled with anxiety, depression, an eating disorder, and self-harm. Looking back, I don't see someone who lacked resilience. I see someone whose mind and body were doing everything it could to survive alone.

That realization changed the way I understand resilience, not only in my own life, but in the lives of the people I work with every day.

I've come to believe that resilience grows in the moments we stop asking ourselves to be different and start understanding the version of ourselves that's standing in front of us.

That's where we find our footing. From there, even the smallest next step has the power to move us forward

Resilience isn't rebuilt in a single breakthrough. It's rebuilt through small moments of safety, connection, understanding, and practice that remind us we no longer have to carry everything alone.

How has your own understanding of resilience evolved through more than 14 years of working alongside people and communities?

When I first started this work, I thought resilience was something we helped people learn and find within themselves. Today, I see it very differently.

Over the years, I've had the privilege of working with people from all walks of life – from children and families to single adults, educators, organizations, and entire communities. Despite the different nuances, one thing has remained remarkably consistent: everyone has a story, and every story has shaped the way they see themselves, others, and the world around them. Earlier in my career, I was much more focused on helping people change behaviours.

Today, I'm much more interested in helping people understand the experiences, beliefs, and patterns that gave rise to those behaviours in the first place. I've also learned that resilience doesn't look the way I once imagined it would. Sometimes it's setting a boundary you've spent years avoiding. Sometimes it's allowing yourself to be cared for. Sometimes it's choosing to stay present instead of shutting down. Sometimes it's believing, even for a moment, that your story isn't over. Those moments may not look extraordinary from the outside, but they often mark the beginning of profound change.

More than anything, the people I've worked with have taught me that resilience isn't something learned or that I have the privilege of giving to others. It's something we uncover together. Every conversation continues to shape the way I understand people, resilience, and life itself, and for that, I'm deeply grateful.

If every reader walked away with one new perspective about resilience, what would you hope they remember?

If every reader walked away with one new perspective, I hope it's this: you make more sense than you think you do.

So many of us spend our lives judging ourselves for the ways we think, feel, or react without ever stopping to ask how those patterns developed in the first place. When we begin to understand ourselves with curiosity instead of criticism, something shifts. We stop seeing ourselves as the problem and begin recognizing that many of the patterns we've criticized for years were once the very things that helped us survive. They aren't evidence that we're broken, they're evidence that we've been adapting all along.

To me, resilience isn't about becoming someone new. It's about understanding yourself and your life experiences well enough to respond with greater intention, reconnecting with the strengths that have always been there, and recognizing that lasting change doesn't come from becoming someone else, it comes from discovering more of who you've been all along.

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