It's Time to Know Your Worth, People-Pleasing Is Not Saving You
Carly Allen is a Master of Energetics, Root-Cause Therapist, Kundalini Teacher, Advanced body worker/body alignment specialist & Lymphatic Drainage Practitioner. She is the founder of Remedial Movement. A Natural Therapies Clinic in Brisbane, Australia, that specializes in Women's Health and chronic conditions/pain.
Do you find yourself just wanting to fit in? Longing for that feeling of acceptance? Do you feel like you don't belong and are seeking value and love in your external world? Are you overgiving to the point of exhaustion or burnout?
People-pleasing can be a destructive behavior pattern that seeks love but ultimately leaves you feeling depleted and exhausted. Exhausted from the lack of boundaries, the overgiving, and the constant wearing of masks. Even though this pattern seems very kind and loving on the outside, what it is doing is destroying your inside.
What is people-pleasing?
This pattern often flies under the radar, but it holds traits that can literally rule your life and the lives of those around you if you do not have awareness of it. The driving force behind this behavior is typically a limiting belief that you are not good enough and a deep-seated fear of rejection. The longing to receive love is often masked by the unintentional manipulation of others and situations to get people to like and accept you. But the manipulation comes because you are not putting your true self forward.
You go along with what people say, even when you do not agree. You say yes when you want to say no. You fear conflict. You wear many masks.
When you are not authentic, you shrink your voice. You give your light and power to others in the hope that love will be returned. This inauthenticity sucks your life force and often leaves you feeling constantly depleted and like a shell.
People-pleasing often stems from a nervous system that has been locked in fight or flight. This survival mode is often driven by relationships or trauma from your past, which has forced you to lose trust in yourself. It may have come from abuse, belittling comments, lack of support, abandonment, controlling environments, or any situation that has tried to take your power. Often, this patterning leads us back to childhood and, further still, to generational patterns where fear, unworthiness, and lack of trust can run deep.
People-pleasing is a concept that sits within the Drama Triangle and consists of three roles, the victim, the persecutor, and the rescuer.
The victim is generally seeking constant external validation and support from others. This can then lead to a cycle of dependency due to the lack of taking responsibility in one's own life.
The persecutor blames and dominates others to maintain control, often using techniques such as gaslighting to fly under the radar of external eyes. Gaslighting is a form of manipulation that tries to confuse you into doubting your reality.
The rescuer wants to rescue others from harm, and this behavior usually comes from a helpful place. However, there is a big difference between being supportive and being a rescuer. The rescuer will swoop in and give advice or try to resolve issues before being asked to assist.
All of these roles involve trying to control, controlling the situation, the outcome, or others. People-pleasing generally has aspects that seem very kind and loving to the external world, so calling it controlling might seem harsh. But when it comes down to it, that is what this behavior is doing. And the sad reality of its origins is that it has been developed out of fear. Fear of not being accepted, respected, liked, or loved. Somewhere in your past, you were taught that it wasn't safe to be yourself, and in order to survive, you would try to control the energies around you to regulate the situation and avoid a fight, abuse, or conflict. You would stay small, giving your power away willingly.
Although being empathetic and intuitive are different, if you are a highly sensitive person or empath, this is a behavior you may find yourself playing out due to the need to help and please others, which can overshadow your own needs, leading to burnout and exhaustion.
The feeling of not being able to voice your truth can and will hold you back from living the life you want and deserve. Introspection can drive you inward to honestly review what you are thinking and feeling, so you start to face your fears head-on.
In the end, all of our voices are needed in this world. What if your way of viewing the world was exactly what needed to be heard at this moment in time? What if what you had to say held a missing piece, planting a seed of seeing things differently? What if your voice were the voice of change?
Steps in moving forward
The first step in moving past this pattern and into your self-empowerment is awareness, learning to know who you truly are. This involves deep diving with introspection and asking yourself the harder questions. What are my fears? What are my values? What are my boundaries? This process leads to seeing yourself more clearly, perhaps for the first time in a long time. A great tool that can drive you deeper is Reiki, Kundalini Yoga, and Meditation. Both drive you inward, where you can cultivate mindfulness and true stillness.
The second step in moving past this pattern is healing the wounds, allowing yourself to truly see and acknowledge what is sitting in the dark. This process can be challenging and painful, but with your courage and the right support, the layers start to fall away, leaving you less triggered, more open, and spacious. Talk therapies can be very supportive through this time, as can Reiki & Energy Healing and Root-Cause Therapy, which help release trapped and stored emotions.
The final step is true self-love. Self-love is not the love from the external world but directly relates to the love you give yourself internally. When we truly love ourselves, there is no need for external validation because we have all we need inside. Self-love takes you on a journey of trusting yourself again. It entails turning toward yourself and comforting the part of you that felt the pain, with nothing but complete, unconditional love. This begins to pull back your power. It is the place where you start to feel safe again, knowing that the love you give yourself is the most powerful.
Self-love is where you give yourself compassion and understanding. When this happens, the situations that once triggered you begin to fade, and you will love all that is around you.
Reiki & Energy Work can greatly assist you in moving through the layers of acknowledgment, acceptance, forgiveness, and release. All of these steps lead you to your desired outcome, which is true freedom, peace, and wholeness.
Start the journey
It's time to start embracing your uniqueness. Start your journey, call back the fragments that were rejected, and be all of you. We need people who view the world differently, who can provide other options and opinions, and your voice is needed now more than ever. Now is the time to drop the masks and be your most authentic self, with love.
Read more from Carly Allen
Carly Allen, Root-Cause Therapist and Integrative Bodywork Specialist
Through her service, Carly is a lighthouse for individuals seeking to navigate their way out of pain/darkness and into their highest potential/freedom. She believes that physical body pain, conditions & circumstances tend to have deeper meaning in an individual's life. By addressing all layers of a being, it presents an opportunity to view troubling aspects from a different perspective and can shift trapped pain from our physical life and body. Empowering an individual to take back their power and to truly gain balance in their life positively affects them and those around them, which can have a ripple effect spanning across time and space.
