Written by: Cindy Stibbard, Executive Contributor
Executive Contributors at Brainz Magazine are handpicked and invited to contribute because of their knowledge and valuable insight within their area of expertise.
Are you on the fence about your marriage? If you're thinking about throwing the towel on your marriage, hold on just a sec. Before making any big moves, you must do a little self-interrogation. And as a divorce coach, let me tell you, these are the questions you need to ask yourself before making any decisions.
As a certified divorce coach and relationship specialist, it's crucial that individuals considering ending their marriage take the time to thoroughly evaluate their feelings and the state of their relationship before making any decisions. The following are some key questions to ask yourself that can help you gain a deeper understanding of whether or not a divorce is a valid consideration.
What is your vantage point?
In times of stress, it cannot be easy to see things. Our emotions may become heightened, making us feel overwhelmed, anxious, depressed, and irritable. Let minor issues or disagreements escalate into more significant problems can be easy. However, taking a step back and considering the bigger picture is essential. Reflect on your relationship when things were going well, and think about how stress or external factors may affect your current perspective. For example, are your feelings towards your partner a result of their actions or something else? Remember that even in a difficult time, marriages have ups and downs, and it's essential to put things in perspective and consider if there is an underlying issue or if it's just a temporary setback.
Are your emotional needs being met?
Are my emotional needs being met by someone else? Unfortunately, casual emotional infidelity creeps into many relationships. Ask yourself if you're leaning on a co-worker, friend, or someone in your life for emotional connection. It doesn't have to be someone of the opposite sex; it simply boils down to whether or not there's a person in your life filling a need that should be served by your significant other. If so, then that's important to grapple with.
How empowered and inspired are you in this relationship?
As a coach, I also encourage my clients to ask themselves if they feel empowered in their relationship. Are you surrendering your own needs to please your spouse? Are you afraid to tell them "No" because of their reactions or yours? Are decisions difficult for you because you're scared of the fallout? Look back at the course of your relationship. Have most of the decisions been your spouse’s because you’ve been vetoed or you haven’t spoken up? Has your spouse often made decisions or plans without you, assuming you’d be okay with it? If you don’t feel empowered by your partner and you’ve explained this to them, then there is a problem in the marriage. If you haven’t, you should. These are essential questions to ask yourself. If your spouse is not empowering you, this can lead to resentment and anger over time.
Do you share the same core values?
As you contemplate the very essence of your being, do you ever wonder if your spouse truly understands and respects the values that make me who you are? Marriage is a journey of growth and evolution as we learn to live and love together, building a union based on shared beliefs and perspectives. But when your partner seeks to reshape and mould your core values to suit their desires, it feels as though they are trying to change the essence of who you are. Losing a piece of yourself to please someone else is profoundly troubling. As you look into the mirror, you must ask yourself, are you willing to sacrifice your true self for the sake of this relationship? If the answer is no, you must stand firm in your beliefs and remind your spouse that you need them to accept and love you for who you are and what you stand for at your core.
Is there a healthy balance of give and take?
Compromise is a vital component of any intimate relationship, but it must be a mutual exchange in which both partners are comfortable with the outcome. If one partner consistently yields to the other's desires while neglecting their wants and needs, this can lead to resentment and dissatisfaction. While making concessions in any relationship is essential, it's also crucial to ensure that both partners actively participate in the compromise process. When one partner continuously gives up a part of themselves without receiving any compromise in return, it can lead to anger and frustration. True compromise is only possible when both partners approach it with open hearts, clear intentions, and a willingness to listen and understand the other's perspective.
Are you growing, changing and evolving together?
As we go through life, we all change and evolve as people. Our interests, views and priorities can shift, and we strive to become better versions of ourselves. In healthy relationships, couples grow and change together. However, the relationship can become unhealthy when one or both partners hold on to negative habits or unproductive perspectives and are unwilling to change. This is the difference between "weak love" and "strong love." Weakness can be seen in the form of quick anger or feeling misunderstood.
On the other hand, strong love empowers both partners to grow and change together. If one partner is carrying most of the load and the relationship pulls them down, it is no longer balanced. This is often why marriages fall apart, as the focus shifts or one partner is unwilling to continue growing.
Ultimately, the key to understanding if a divorce is the right choice, is to be honest about your feelings and the state of your relationship. By evaluating these questions thoroughly, you can gain a deeper understanding of whether or not a divorce is even an option on the table.
Cindy Stibbard, Executive Contributor Brainz Magazine
Cindy Stibbard is the driven and compassionate entrepreneur and CEO behind Divorce ReDefined, her Vancouver-based separation and divorce coaching practice. Divorce can be a messy, stressful and particularly raw experience and few truly understand the process, know their options or how to most effectively cope with and manage this major life transition. After going through her own high-conflict divorce, this passionate and determined mother of two, became inspired to help others successfully navigate this difficult time in their lives.
