In the Gay Community, We Abandon Our Elders

Written by Loren Crawford, Founder and Coach

Loren Crawford spent decades helping others find their purpose before he fully claimed his own. Now he guides gay men over 50 into their next chapter, with clarity, courage, and a little fire. He shares his wisdom on The Wisdom Trust Podcast, in essays, and through one-on-one coaching.

What's the problem with aging gay men? We don't see them. They've been rendered invisible by society at large, and by our own community. If you're a gay man over 50 wondering where you fit, or if you're watching the older men around you fade into the background, keep reading to discover why this is happening, and what we can do about it.

What does invisibility mean for gay men over 50?

Invisibility isn't just about being overlooked. It's about being systematically erased from the spaces that once defined us. Some older gay men retreat to domestic coupledom and exit the communities they built, adding to their visible absence. Others withdraw entirely, choosing to seclude themselves from a community where they feel forgotten.

While mounting data shows gay men suffer from health issues at higher rates than their straight counterparts, there are no official statistics on older gay men and suicide. But anecdotally, these rates seem higher. This is a crisis we're not talking about.

Why are older gay men being left behind?

The reasons are structural. And they run deep.

Loss of community spaces

Many bars, which were once natural meeting spots, are no longer open, especially in smaller cities. Bathhouses are fewer. Community programming that exists is focused on youth issues, coming out, and trans support. The infrastructure that once held us together has crumbled, and nothing has replaced it.

Lack of elder support systems

Lesbians have built stronger elder-care networks, which speaks to different cultural values around interdependence. Gay men, by contrast, have often prioritized independence and individual achievement, values that leave us isolated when we need community most. If older gay men are lucky enough to live in mid-to-large cities, there may be groups like Prime Timers. But these often lack diversity and, frankly, interesting engagement.

The ego vs. soul crossroads

In our 20s, 30s, and 40s, we're working hard to establish our status, at work, in society. There's a lot of pushing. Driving ourselves to achieve, to measure up, to be noticed. But after 50, many of us find a pivot or two are required.

Leaving a job that no longer excites us. Leaving relationships we've outgrown. Some men are coming out as their big pivot. Health issues start to show up as our bodies change. And one of the most important shifts, our soul starts to want a role in determining next steps. The ego has been in the driver's seat and may have done an admirable job. But it can't understand the deeper need for purpose and meaning that the soul demands.

We find ourselves at a crossroads. Our inner landscape is shifting, which we can choose to ignore and suffer the consequences. Our external supports, which were meager to begin with, are essentially gone.

Even equal marriage, which was hoped to be a watershed of social change, hasn't been the elixir many had hoped. Many of us still struggle, married or not. As a 60-year-old gay man who's been mostly single, I wonder what the next decades will look like. The reality is that many of us will end up in environments that may not be hospitable to gays. Private retirement communities are expensive with few support amenities. Government-run facilities are deficient. We need a different approach.

5 ways gay men over 50 can reclaim their visibility

1. Build community intentionally

A few years ago, I started coaching men in midlife, helping them navigate this crossroads and make sense of their lack of fulfillment and purpose. It was rewarding work after two and a half decades of doing transformative work within the yoga community. The work around dharma and purpose lent perfectly to coaching.

Moving from a mostly female client base to men was intentional. I had healing work to do around my relationship with men. Many gay men have difficult relationships with men, stemming from absent fathers, childhood bullying, or wounds never healed within the gay community itself. I needed to work through that. And I did.

My mentors recently pointed out that it was time to direct this energy toward gay men, to build community and start virtually. It warmed my heart, which told me healing had occurred. I was ready.

Within weeks, I had 40 market research calls scheduled. Men were eager to hop on a call with me, eager to generously share their stories and perspectives. Many agreed to be interviewed for a podcast I was creating. The name came to me during an initial conversation with a mentor, The Wisdom Trust. It fit perfectly.

Within days, the first podcasts were being recorded. The timing was right. There is definitely a need to challenge the narrative on aging, to hold ourselves up as examples of what life can look like.

2. Claim your role as an elder

To place ourselves on the mantle of eldership, because if we don't do it, no one else will. This isn't about age. It's about stepping into the wisdom you've earned through decades of living, struggling, and surviving.

3. Show up authentically

We are making a place for ourselves at that big queer banquet table. We are owning our brilliance. We are determined to be a face of gay, that is, wise, wrinkled, and wonderful.

4. Find your people

These 40 men, and growing, are the founders of The Wisdom Trust. They are working to shape not only a community, but a movement for men over 50. We are no longer going to sit on the sidelines, be overlooked, or be made invisible.

5. Join the movement

And we welcome all gay men over 50 to join us. As we work together building our movement, we'll ensure that all older gay men have a place to plug into, to feel seen, to know they are supported and loved.

The movement starts now

The Wisdom Trust is not a support group. It's not a charity. It's a movement. And movements require people willing to show up, be seen, and claim their place at the table.

If you're a gay man over 50 ready to stop being invisible, join us. The podcast launches soon. The community is waiting. Visit The Wisdom Trust to get on the waitlist and be part of something bigger than yourself.

Follow me on Facebook, Instagram, LinkedIn, Substack and visit my website for more info!

Read more from Loren Crawford

Loren Crawford, Founder and Coach

Loren Crawford is a teacher, coach, and healer who brings three decades of lived experience to the work of transformation. He knows what it means to feel stuck, he spent years there himself, before a spiritual awakening at 38 cracked everything open. What followed was a lifetime of study, yoga, energy work, and soul-purpose coaching that shaped his powerful ability to help others do the same. Loren trained and certified yoga teachers, built community, and now focuses his work where it matters most to him, guiding gay men over 50 into their next chapter. He hosts The Wisdom Trust Podcast.