I Can't Spend the Next 40 Years Having the Same Conversation in My Head
Rob James Brooke is a Rapid Transformational Therapist and founder of Lionheart Transformation Academy. Known for helping people release deep-rooted trauma, rewire limiting beliefs, and step into powerful, self-led lives through subconscious transformation.
As winter approaches, I’m thinking about what it means to look after yourself in the first few minutes of the day, especially if you wake up already giving yourself a hard time. I was 40 when that thought came to me. For years, I’d woken up feeling heavy. I’d want to stay in bed, then I’d give myself a hard time for wanting to stay there. By the time my feet touched the floor, I was exhausted. I knew that conversation word for word. I’d had it yesterday.
I could imagine all sorts of things I wanted to do with my life. What I struggled to imagine was something much more ordinary. What would it feel like to wake up on a Tuesday and actually look forward to my day?
I think about that as the mornings get colder and we begin looking towards another year. Alongside all the things I hope to achieve, there’s something else I’d like to consider. How do I want to feel while I’m living the life I’m working towards?
When a calmer morning becomes another conversation in my head
Somewhere along the way, even the spiritual world picked up a bit of hustle culture. Get up at five. Meditate. Move your body. Write down what you’re grateful for. I enjoy most of those things, although five o’clock and I are happy to keep our relationship casual. But I know what the man I was at 40 would have done with that list. He’d have pulled the duvet up and found five more things to criticise himself for before breakfast.
There’s already plenty asking for our attention. Someone we love might need us. Work might be playing on our minds. We pick up the phone to check the time and find ourselves reading about something frightening on the other side of the world. When I’m already on edge, even a message asking, “Have you got a minute?” can have me preparing for a difficult conversation before I know what the other person wants.
Sometimes it helps to ask, “Rob, what do you actually know at this point?” There’s an interesting parallel in research by Ethan Kross and colleagues (2014). In experiments involving social stress, people who reflected using their own name or words such as “you” gained more distance from the experience than those using “I”. I like that a small change in how I phrase a question can give me room to hear the answer. Maybe someone just fancies a chat.
2 mornings under the same duvet
My partner Matt and I recently started going through Calm, Clear & In Control together. It’s the 21-day Gateway programme I created for Lionheart Transformation Academy. I know every word that went into it, but it’s a different experience being the person waking up on a cold morning and pressing play.
When I asked Matt what he was enjoying, he said he loved reading the Rules of the Mind in bed. I loved the simplicity of that, and it made me pause. I can picture two versions of the same morning. In one, I’m still under the duvet, reading a few lines about how my mind works. One of them reminds me of something I did yesterday, and I stay with it for a moment. As my thoughts settle, I can feel my shoulders soften into the pillow.
In the other, I reach for my phone. I open an email and start composing the reply in my head, or I go straight to social media and, within seconds, I’m halfway through somebody else’s morning. Even a perfectly friendly message can get me thinking about what I need to do next.
What interests me is how those two mornings feel in my body. In one, I feel like I’ve got a little time to myself. In the other, I can already feel that little hurry in my chest. I’m in the same bed, under the same duvet, and my feet haven’t even touched the floor.
A practice that fits the morning you have
One morning recently, I woke up feeling a bit of resistance to the day. I had time to meditate, exercise, do my mirror mantras, and step outside for some air. The moment I really noticed the difference came later, when I sat down to do the invoices. They held precisely the same limited appeal they’d held the day before, but I felt calm at my desk. I’d even given myself time to write down an idea before opening them.
Your version might be half an hour in bed with a recording and something to read. It might be putting a hand on your heart while the kettle boils and asking, “How am I feeling this morning?”
In a 12-week study, Phillippa Lally and colleagues (2010) asked volunteers to repeat an everyday action, such as eating a particular food or doing some exercise, in the same situation each day. With repetition, the action tended to feel more automatic. Missing one opportunity made little difference to the overall process. I like the kindness in that finding. If you forget to pause while the kettle boils today, chances are you’ll be putting it on again tomorrow.
What would you love more of next year?
Wherever you are on your journey, winter offers a chance to revisit what helps you feel like yourself. Perhaps you’re beginning to notice how you speak to yourself. Perhaps you’ve spent years doing this work and would love to return to a practice you miss. I created a whole programme around this, and here I am, coming back to it myself.
When I reflect on my year, it would be easy to start with the visible things. I’ve written articles, spoken about my work, and helped bring Lionheart into the world. I’m proud of those things. But when I ask what I’d love more of next year, I think of the conversation after I’ve shared something honest. Someone recognises a bit of themselves in it. They tell me something about their life. We get to know each other. I want more of that.
Think of one morning, afternoon, or evening this year when you felt most like yourself. Where were you? Who were you with? What would you gladly make time for again? Your answer might be as simple as, “I’d love to see more of that friend.” There’s something rather lovely about realising that what you want for next year could begin with asking, “Are you free on Thursday?”
Feeling safe enough to choose
I created Lionheart because I remember how lonely it felt to wake up already worn out by my own thoughts. I also know the pleasure of speaking freely, enjoying my work, and feeling curious about an opportunity that once would have frightened me. I want to build a community where we can talk honestly about both experiences. There’s love in being able to say to someone, “I’ve had mornings like that too,” and staying long enough to hear the rest.
I know I can push myself through things. What interests me now is whether I can enjoy them while they’re happening. Can I look forward to the work I’ve chosen? Can I give someone I love my attention over breakfast? Can I say yes to something because I’d genuinely love to do it, and feel just as free to say, “I’ll give this one a miss”?
When I say I’m coming back to basics, this is what I mean. I want to feel safe in my mind, safe in my body, and safe to be myself. From there, I can think freely about what I want and make choices from love. Tomorrow’s choice might simply be to stay under the duvet for a few quiet minutes and speak to myself as I would to someone I love.
I think the man I was at 40 would have liked waking up to that conversation.
Read more from Rob James Brooke
Rob James Brooke, Transformation Coach & Founder of Lionheart Transformation Academy
Rob James Brooke is the founder of Lionheart Transformation Academy and a Rapid Transformational Therapist redefining how people heal, lead, and live. After overcoming years of anxiety, addiction, and self-sabotage, he now helps others break free from trauma and reprogram the beliefs that keep them stuck. His work goes beyond mindset, guiding people into a state of calm, clarity, and inner power through deep subconscious transformation. At the heart of his mission is a simple truth: when you free the mind, you change everything.
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