Hyper-Independence In Women – Who’s To Blame?
- May 1, 2023
- 4 min read
Updated: Jan 12, 2024
Written by: Sasha and Daniel, Executive Contributor
Executive Contributors at Brainz Magazine are handpicked and invited to contribute because of their knowledge and valuable insight within their area of expertise.
Many reasons might cause a woman to be hyper-independent: Societal expectations and conditioning, gender role reversals, childhood trauma, and unsafe or unavailable partners. Regardless of the reasons for her hyper-independence, the pattern of self-reliance causes strain on her intimate relationship. She doesn’t let her partner in emotionally, which erodes connection; he becomes more passive, causing her to feel even more unsafe and reinforcing her pattern of handling everything independently. For polarity to occur in the relationship, both men and women must heal to create a secure and connected partnership.
Hyper Independent Woman - Sasha’s perspective:
Hyper-independence in a woman is where she cannot or will not accept help, preferring to do it all herself and typically creates a strong, superhuman persona. Hyper-independence is often a childhood trauma response, though societal messaging and conditioning are also worthy culprits. Stemming from situations that led her to believe she could only rely on herself to meet her needs or get things done, somewhere along the way, she found trusting in others too difficult or too painful. Over time, this belief leads to her needing greater control over her outcomes and external circumstances. The impact on intimate relationships is that hyper-independent women don't allow their partner to help because it feels unsafe and equates to them a lack of control. She's so used to being a strong independent woman, and anything that undermines her belief in herself is often and vehemently rejected. The irony is many hyper-independent women are craving for someone – anyone – to come and help, rescue, or support them. Few can openly admit it. How many times have you complained that no one is there for you? That you feel unsupported by your partner? That you wish they'd just do more?? The truth: You are not the burden you think you are. Another truth: You need to let your partner support you. Learning to ask for help and allowing your partner to do things for you is vital to unwinding the belief you created all those years ago, as you're ultimately learning to trust again. Trust that this person will be there for you. Trust that you are worthy of support and that it does not take anything away from you. The catch? You must allow them to be there for you. Fully. In their own way and without you controlling the outcome. Feel insurmountable? Feel like a stretch? Or are you confident you can?
Try it out, open up a discussion with your partner around this topic and see if you can agree to a new outcome for you both because, guess what, he is craving to be there for you.
Hyper Independent Woman - Daniel’s perspective:
For thousands of years, a man's role and purpose have been to protect and provide for his family. This is not some outdated patriarchal need for control; it's hard-wired in his biological make-up to serve.
With purpose, a man will walk over broken glass in order to fulfil his mission. Without this and not knowing his place in the world, he can regress into boyish behaviour by becoming insecure, inconsistent, blaming, emotionally chaotic, and insensitive to her emotions.
Men need to know they have worth, they need to know they matter, they need to know their place in the world, and that they are respected by their partners. When a man feels that he is not required by his partner, he will retreat energetically, emotionally, and physically from her. However, retreating only causes her to feel less safe and reinforces her hyper-independence. Thinking to herself, "I can't rely on him, so I will have to rely on myself."
Hyper-independence is a masculine trait, and women will shut down their feminine aspect to cope. A man may unconsciously take on more feminine traits in an attempt to balance the polarity of the relationship.
Hyper-independent women crave someone to rescue them, but it's tough to let a man into their world when he has become passive. It can be difficult for a man to step up and be there for her when the resistance is so high. When trying to support doesn't work, retreating worsens it, and doing nothing leads to conflict.
So, what's the solution for hyper independence?
Awareness of the patterns in both the man and the woman. Having an open discussion about what each other needs. It takes both women and men to restore the balance. As the man steps up and provides a safe container to relax into her feminine, she will let her guard down.
The feminine needs to be open to give and receive love, and the masculine wants to have purpose and feel appreciated. When the divine balance and polarity are restored, connection and intimacy increase and the couple can have a fulfilled and incredible relationship.
Sasha and Daniel, Executive Contributor Brainz Magazine
Sasha and Daniel specialise in relationships, human behaviour and experiential healing. Their collective 14 years as coaches taught them that patterns from previous relationships and upbringing could adversely affect their connection, even knowing they were soul mates. So from day one, they consciously designed their relationship by creating 14 principles to guide their behaviours and focus.
Sasha and Daniel aim to heal the world with their love by showing couples how to turn towards each other again for fulfilment, intimacy and connection.
Sasha and Daniel offer exclusive 1:1 coaching and retreats for couples that are at 80% and want that extra 20%. They teach simple, actionable principles for partners who love each other but have lost their way.
