How To Stop Seeking Confidence Externally
- Dec 21, 2022
- 6 min read
Written by: Nicole Kalil, Executive Contributor
Executive Contributors at Brainz Magazine are handpicked and invited to contribute because of their knowledge and valuable insight within their area of expertise.
Imagine that someone out in the world is walking around with your confidence, but you don’t know who it is. They’ve got it in their pocket or hidden in their bag, and life’s not-so-fun game is that you need to find them and get them to give it to you. Maybe it’s the person you’ve got a crush on or one of your best friends. Maybe it’s the bully who made fun of you, or a complete stranger you meet at a bar after work. Maybe it’s your boss, who has it hidden in their desk drawer and is waiting to present it to you alongside your promotion. Maybe it’s your parents, and they’ve been secretly withholding it from you this whole time.
All you have to do to win the confidence con is figure out who or what has it, like some incessant game of Where’s Waldo? But once you find it, you still have to prove yourself worthy—the right clothes, the right car, the right job, the right house, the right marriage, or the right number on the scale—and they’ll hand it over so you can finally feel good about yourself.
Does this sound like a game you’d want to play? Of course not. It’s ridiculous, but so many of us are playing this game and operating as if it’s how confidence works. Trusting yourself is not a “If you go first, I’ll do it, too,” proposition. There isn’t anyone or anything to prove yourself to, wait for, or find.
True confidence is built internally and involves one person. We’ve been conned into seeking it from all the wrong sources, especially as women. In this article, I’ll offer specific strategies for building real confidence from the inside. The empowering kind that’s based on trust, isn’t conditional, and can’t be taken away. The kind that’s solely in our hands, not hiding from us.
1. Keep Your Commitments
When you ask anyone how someone could earn their trust, they’ll answer with some version of, “They’d have to keep their commitments.” They do what they say they will, their word matters, and you can count on them. So a phenomenal way to build internal trust is to keep the commitments we make to others and the ones we make to ourselves.
As women, we tend to be better about honoring the commitments we make to others; we put our internal agreements on the backburner. If it has to do with our family, kids, friends, and our work, we often do what we say we will. But if it’s something that impacts only us, we can get pretty loosey-goosey with our word. When you don’t follow through on the commitments you make to yourself, you’re breaking trust and chipping away at your confidence.
Important note here: this is not about perfection. You are human, and you’ll let yourself and others down on occasion. Your opportunity here is to give yourself grace, practice forgiveness, learn, grow, and be better next time.
2. Create and Communicate Boundaries
Another way to build internal confidence is to set and communicate healthy boundaries. I’ve seen over and over that when people communicate their boundaries, it actually increases both trust and respect. But, I hear from so many women that they have a hard time saying no and worry that it’ll negatively impact their relationships. Many of us have been socialized to be people pleasers and martyrs, so we feel like we’re never supposed to say no.
Every time we say yes to something, however, we’re saying no to something else, and it’s usually something that matters to us. As an example, you might be asked to head the PTA at your child’s school, but you know you’d have no time to read the books or do the workouts you’ve been wanting to if you did. In moments like these, we have a hard time saying no, often because we feel selfish or feel like we’re disappointing someone. But the reality is you’ll either disappoint them or yourself. An even bigger reality is that in saying no, you may gain your own respect and theirs.
Plan out what you’ll say ahead of time, so the next time someone asks, you’ll have a prepared response and won’t automatically default to, “Sure, I’ll do it!”
3. Practice Self-Care
Yes, I’m jumping on the self-care bandwagon! However, how self-care is being modeled and encouraged has become a bit of a pet peeve of mine. I’m not talking about getting your hair and nails done or having frequent spa days. If that’s self-care to you, great. It’s not the entirety of what self-care means, though, and it has an element of privilege that makes it seem like only people with excess time and money can practice self-care.
I’m talking about things that actually fill your cup and bring you energy, and they don’t have to be expensive or complicated. Self-care for you might be deep breathing. It might be moving your body, getting outside, or reading a book. For me, it’s exercising regularly (even though I hate exercising), reading, and traveling. It’s making sure I have time in a week just for myself, which is necessary for me as an introvert.
What is it for you? What fills your cup and gives you energy? I’d also like to point out the word “practice” is crucial here, because self-care is ongoing, and practice is how we get better at just about anything.
4. Follow the 3 Ps
I call my fourth suggestion for building confidence internally the three Ps: Prepare, Plan, and Practice. I pass them on with a word of caution, though, because they will turn into derailers when taken too far. Being prepared is great, but overpreparing will chip away at your confidence. Having a plan helps, but overplanning, or being overly attached to the plan, will become problematic. And for the love of all things holy, practice, but keep in mind that the point of practicing is to do the thing—so make sure you don’t get stuck perpetually practicing. In all three cases, these Ps should lead to action.
The 3 Ps are about education, knowledge, and personal and professional development. They create internal trust that you can then execute on. Nervous to meet with your employer to ask for that promotion and raise? Prepare your talking points, plan for possible questions or objections, and practice what you’re going to say. Just remember, in order for it to be confidence-building, you actually need to go ask for that promotion and raise!
The Benefits of Building True Confidence Are Endless
You’re the only person who can choose confidence for yourself. You are the creator, the decider, and the giver of your own confidence. Confidence is not built by collecting external evidence of our worth or value. Validation is for parking. It is not required for confidence.
When you make a serious effort to do the work of building real confidence, the benefits you’ll experience will impact every area of your life—your career, your family, your relationships, and even your hobbies. You’ll enjoy more peace and freedom in your life instead of beating yourself up while seeking external validation. You’ll make better decisions. You’ll take risks. You’ll chase bigger dreams. When your confidence is in your pocket, you’ll know when and how to leave the things that chip away at it behind.
For more advice on building internal confidence, you can find Nicole's book, "Validation Is for Parking" on Amazon. Nicole Kalil is an in-demand speaker and the dynamic host of the This Is Woman’s Work podcast. Known as the Confidence Sherpa, Nicole reveals how-to strategies that set her apart from other self-help experts. Previously a Fortune 100 C-suite executive, she’s helped thousands of women reclaim their confidence so they can live authentically, both personally and professionally. Nicole lives with her husband and daughter in Andover, Massachusetts.
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Nicole Kalil, Executive Contributor Brainz Magazine
Nicole’s passion for eliminating gender expectations and redefining “Woman’s Work” is both what keeps her up at night, and what gets her up in the morning. Well that, and an abundant amount of coffee. An in-demand speaker, leadership strategist, respected coach, and host of the “This Is Woman’s Work” Podcast, her stalker-like obsession with confidence sets her apart from the constant stream of experts telling us to BE confident. She actually tells how you build it, and gives actionable tools – not just stories – to BECOME confident. A fugitive of the C-suite at a Fortune 100 company, she has coached hundreds of women in business, which has given her insight as to what – structurally, systemically and socially – is and isn’t serving women and leaders within an organization.
