How to Show Up for the New Moms in Your Life
- Brainz Magazine
- Aug 2
- 6 min read
Written by Amy Spofford, Pre & Postnatal Coach
Amy Spofford is well-versed in pregnancy, birth, postpartum, and mom life. She is the founder of Eat What Feels Good, LLC, a platform promoting healthy preparation for and healing from birth so new moms can enjoy their little ones.
It can be isolating to be a new parent. When you’re in it, being wrapped up in newborn life often feels like the world has moved on without you, leaving you in a weird limbo between baby bliss and adult reality.
As a friend or family member on the outside, it can feel easier to shy away from reaching out to new parents, especially if you are unable to go see them in person or have limited time or resources to offer. I want you to know that tiny acts of kindness add up and can make a big difference. I encourage you to take action, however small it may seem. In this article, I will detail the many ways you can be of use to the newly minted moms and dads in your life. Despite the brain fog that can be common in early postpartum, people always remember who was there for them during this vulnerable time.
What you can do for new parents
You can start by reaching out! You can make yourself available through your physical presence or through virtual support like texting, phone calls, video chats, or through social media (send funny memes)! We don’t always live close to the ones we love, and we are all busy, but that doesn’t have to stop us from staying connected. Sending a supportive message, a card in the mail, a small baby gift, or a virtual gift card are great ways to show you care. Truly, something is better than nothing, and your generosity is much appreciated.
If you can lend in-person support, it could mean helping with newborn care, household chores, or food prep. You could drop home cooked or take-out meals on their doorstep, take their dog for a walk, or pick up an older child from school for them. Helping can also look like sitting with the baby so mom can nap or shower or simply giving her the company of another adult and asking about her birth story. Letting her know that you see her and are there for her will not be forgotten. If you’re still at a loss for what to do, ask her partner! They will have more insight and will likely be thrilled to have the support as well.
Is there a “right way” to offer help?
In my opinion, yes. We don’t want to contribute to the mental load of a new parent, and yet we inadvertently do that when we say, "What can I do?" or "Let me know if you need anything." Nonspecific offers feel more like platitudes, even if they’re sincere. Placing the burden on the other person to respond and ask for help creates a mental obstacle for them, which means they typically won’t follow through with it.
If you’re serious about your offers, you need to provide choices. If you're not sure whether they'd like to receive meals, ask them! If they seem unsure, ask whether bringing some groceries would be more helpful. If they say yes to a meal, ask first about dietary restrictions and then come up with options that are doable for you. Do not ask "What would you like?" They do not want to seem demanding or treat you like a short-order cook. You can say, for example, "Monday or Wednesday, chicken enchiladas or chicken noodle soup?" Depending on your relationship to them, choose your wording however you see fit. Ultimately, it’s about offering your services in a way that makes it easy to accept and requires very little decision-making on their part. Providing meals is one of the most helpful things you can do for new parents, and you get bonus points if what you bring can easily be frozen for later use.
What if I don’t or can’t cook?
If cooking isn't your thing, you can absolutely help in other ways. You can say, "I'm making a run to [insert store name]. Tell me your go-to items there; otherwise, I'll grab the goodies I think you'll like!" You could also offer to bring in their mail, take their trash cans to the curb, or pick up their take-out order. Helping with household chores like doing the dishes or transferring the laundry is also great! Offering specifics exponentially increases the likelihood they will take you up on it, and your efforts will not go unnoticed.
Remember visiting etiquette
Asking new parents if they are accepting visitors is a conscientious thing to do. They may have boundaries around timing, vaccines, and germ exposure, and giving them an opportunity to share their thoughts is good for their peace of mind. Even if new parents enthusiastically invite you over to meet their baby, there are some things that you can do to maximize their comfort and make sure they don’t regret inviting you. Show up at the time you say you will, don’t overstay your welcome, avoid bringing small children unless explicitly invited, wash your hands upon arrival, avoid kissing the baby or touching their face, and do something useful while you’re there. If baby starts crying, back to mom they go. Take cues from baby’s mom, don’t interfere with feeding times, don’t expect her to be a “host” for you, and never show up empty-handed. Trust me, if you follow these basic recommendations, they will remember your courtesy.
But I don’t live close by, can I still help?
Please remember that whatever level of help or support you can offer will mean so much to your loved ones. Consider sending a care package containing goodies and recovery items! Some ideas for a package include tea bags, breastfeeding garments, toiletries, items left on their baby registry, or soup from a meal service company. Books like “The First Forty Days” by Heng Ou or “The Fourth Trimester” by Kimberly Ann Johnson could be great for new moms who like to learn about postpartum healing. “Dad is Fat” by Jim Gaffigan is great for a laugh, and “I’ll Show Myself Out: Essays on Midlife & Motherhood” by Jessie Klein provides validating stories from a fellow mom in the trenches. There are tons of books on motherhood to be found out there, but depending on your loved one’s interests, she may want something totally unrelated to read as well!
You are a fantastic friend
Whatever you choose to do for her, remember that she has just been through a lot. She may not respond right away, send a thank-you card, or be able to reciprocate friendship like she normally would at this time. That’s okay; she deserves grace right now. However, she will not forget your kindness, and she will likely be there for you when your time of need comes. It really is when we are at our most vulnerable that we find out who is truly there for us. Some of the most special people in my life have been there for me in person, and some have shown me love from afar. Both types of people are cherished, and both are so needed. In these modern times where everything is done online, so is much of postpartum support. Of course, having a baby is happening in real life and in real time. But emotional support is just as important as in-person physical assistance. Let’s show the new moms in our lives that we see them, that they matter, and that they will come out of the fog of early postpartum knowing just how loved and supported they really are.
Read more from Amy Spofford
Amy Spofford, Pre & Postnatal Coach
Amy Spofford is a Pre & Postnatal Coach, a Nutritional Therapy Practitioner, and a mom of three little ones. Practicing as a speech-language pathologist in a nursing home rehab setting during a pandemic made pregnancy and early parenthood beyond difficult. Amy used her holistic nutrition certification and research skills to dive deep into all things pregnancy, birth, and postpartum, thinking there has to be a better way to navigate this season of life. This led to her becoming certified as a Pre & Postnatal coach. Her mission is to reduce the incidence of perinatal mood and anxiety disorders by providing education and support to pregnant women through their transition into postpartum.
