How to Set Boundaries as a Mom Without the Guilt
Updated: Aug 10
Sarah Maynard is a Beroepsvereniging Gewichtsconsulenten Nederland-certified lifestyle coach for tired and overwhelmed mothers. She is the founder of Body & Mind in Harmony and creator of a group program, built on her belief that nervous system regulation comes before any other wellness goal.
Have you ever asked any mother whether she struggles to say no? You probably didn't get a simple answer. You'll get a story instead, about the playdate she agreed to when she was already running on empty, the extra school committee she joined out of obligation, the doctor's appointment she canceled because someone else needed her more.
Boundaries aren't really a lack of skill for most mothers. They know what a boundary is. What stops them is what comes right after, the guilt. As a Beroepsvereniging Gewichtsconsulenten Nederland-certified lifestyle coach who works with overwhelmed mothers every week, and who has lived this exact pattern herself, I want to untangle boundaries from guilt, so saying no can finally feel less like abandonment and more like the maintenance it actually is.
Why mom's guilt is such a common feeling
If you feel guilty almost every time you consider your own needs, you're in very good (and very large) company. A widely cited BabyCenter survey found that 94% of mothers report experiencing parenting-related guilt, which makes it less of an occasional feeling and more of a near-universal baseline of modern motherhood. That guilt doesn't stay confined to parenting decisions. It follows mothers straight into their own self-care. Kelton Global's self-care survey found that 39% of parents feel guilty when they do take time for themselves, compared to 26% of adults without kids, and 21% avoid self-care altogether because of that guilt.
This isn't a personal failing, and it isn't just in your head. A study on self-compassion and maternal health behaviors found that guilt directly determines whether mothers engage in health-promoting behaviors like exercise, nutrition, and sleep. In other words, guilt doesn't just sit there uncomfortably in the background. It actively decides whether you take care of yourself at all.
1. Understand where the guilt actually comes from
Before you can hold a boundary without guilt creeping in, it helps to know what is going on. Mom guilt isn't random, it's conditioned. It comes from decades of messaging that ties a mother's worth to her self-sacrifice, from the "good mother" ideal that quietly says your needs come last, and from a nervous system that has learned to link your own comfort with someone else's disappointment. Just naming that out loud, "this guilt isn't proof I'm doing something wrong, it's proof of conditioning," is often the first boundary a mother needs to set, a boundary with the guilt itself.
2. Reframe the boundary as regulation, not rejection
Most mothers experience a boundary as something they're taking away from someone else. In reality, it's something you're giving to your own nervous system. When you're stretched past capacity, overcommitted, touched out, running on no sleep, your body sits in a state of chronic stress, and every small demand lands like one demand too many. A boundary interrupts that cycle before it hits a breaking point. It's not a rejection of your family. It's regulation. A regulated mother has far more to give than a depleted one.
3. Start with small boundaries
Boundaries don't have to start big, and for most overwhelmed mothers, they shouldn't. A sweeping new set of limits is hard to sustain and easy to feel guilty about breaking. Start small instead, not answering messages after 8 p.m., saying no to one extra activity this week, asking your partner to take bedtime one night so you get twenty minutes alone. Small, repeated boundaries build the muscle and give you proof that the world doesn't fall apart when you hold one.
4. Use language that doesn't invite guilt back in
How you say a boundary matters almost as much as the boundary itself. Over-explaining or over-apologizing often signals to your own nervous system, and to the other person, that you don't quite believe you're allowed to say no. This reopens the door for guilt. A few simple, low-drama phrases can hold a boundary firmly without triggering a spiral, "That doesn't work for us this week." "I can't take that on right now." Or just, "Let me think about it and get back to you." You're not going for cold. You're going for calm and certain, because calm and certain is much harder to argue with than a boundary wrapped in three paragraphs of explanation.
5. Remember, self-care is a boundary too
One of the most overlooked boundaries a mother can set is with herself. It's one thing to hold a boundary with a demanding friend or an overloaded school schedule. It's another to hold one against your own instinct to keep going, keep giving, keep proving your worth through exhaustion. Self-care isn't a reward you earn once everything else is done. It's a boundary that says your needs don't move to the back of the line indefinitely. This is the foundation everything else in your life stands on. Your patience, presence, and ability to actually enjoy the motherhood you're working so hard to hold together.
This is exactly why regulation comes before every other wellness goal in my coaching practice. You can't parent from an empty nervous system, and no amount of guilt is going to refill it for you.
The takeaway
Boundaries and guilt tend to show up together for mothers, but they don't have to stay tangled forever. Once you understand where the guilt comes from, reframe boundaries as regulation instead of rejection, and start practicing in small, repeatable ways, the guilt loosens its grip. This is not because you've stopped caring about the people you love, but because you've finally included yourself in that care.
If this resonates, I'd love to see you at The Mom Reset Morning, a self-care event on August 23rd in Amsterdam. It's a space built for exactly what this article has been about. Giving yourself permission to pause, be held, and regulate, alongside a small group of mothers who get it. Spots are limited, so if you've been telling yourself you'll prioritize this "someday," consider this your sign to make it today. You matter too.
Read more from Sarah Maynard
Sarah Maynard, Wellness & Health Coach for Moms
Sarah Maynard is a BGN-certified lifestyle coach who helps overwhelmed mothers reconnect with themselves before trying to fix anything else. After navigating motherhood without a nearby support network and drawing on 8 years as a youth care facilitator, she built her practice around one contrarian idea. Nervous system regulation has to come first before diet, fitness, or any habit change can stick. She founded Body & Mind in Harmony to guide mothers aged 25-45 through this shift, offering 1-on-1 coaching, a group program, and in-person community events. Her message to every mother she works with is simple. You matter too.
