How to Make Peace with Your Inner Critic Part 2 – Cultivating Self-Compassion
- Brainz Magazine
- Oct 6
- 7 min read
Updated: Oct 7
Katie Dixon is a psychotherapist and the owner of Healing in Action Counseling Services LLC. Her areas of specialty include grief, complex relational trauma, self-image, and fear-based thought patterns. Katie's mission is to support clients in identifying and exploring the possibilities that lead to lasting change and a more fulfilling life.
Children who grow up in abusive or neglectful households are prone to developing an incredibly distorted sense of themselves and others in the world. For children who are fortunate to grow up in loving, attentive families, ruptures in identity development still often happen due to internalized experiences. This sets the stage for the inner critic to launch into its unrelenting soliloquy. As a child grows into adulthood, they strive to prove themselves worthy in order to counter the deeply painful internalized messages of not being good enough or deserving of love and care. Others may arrive at adulthood seemingly caring about nothing as a means of self-protection.
These individuals carry a proverbial shield bearing the insignia that if they don’t even bother to try, they can’t fail or be criticized. In the moments when we are dismissed by others or feel unseen, we may adopt the belief that this happened because we are not worth anyone else’s time, we are a bother, a burden, and undeserving of good things, even something as simple as basic acknowledgment. Ouch! What can be done about such hurtful experiences that are often reinforced over time? We would do well to commit to unlearning what we learned in these moments. The key to achieving this aim is to cultivate self-compassion.
Creating the conditions for self-compassion to grow
The more we identify with the inner critic’s diatribe, the more it interferes with our ability to remain connected to our inner knowing and alignment with our values. The first step in quieting the inner critic is recognizing that it is merely an echo of old fears and judgments. When we start clearing negativity from our minds and fill the empty spaces with self-acceptance, self-respect, and self-compassion, we apply a salve to the wounds of the past. By offering comforting words and caring actions to ourselves today, we mend the ruptures our inner child experienced. The inner critic can begin to soften its fearful, controlling grip and relax into the safety of being lovingly held, cared for, and supported.
Self-compassion is distinct from self-love and perhaps easier to practice initially. By practicing compassion for ourselves and others, we begin down the path towards self-love, which can feel more elusive for many people. There is so much promotion of self-love in our culture right now, and while it is a worthwhile pursuit, it can feel incredibly daunting for someone entrenched in a daily practice of self-loathing. Far too many people struggle to believe that experiencing self-love could ever be possible for them. This is where self-compassion plays a pivotal role in quieting your inner critic. Compassion does not require love. The two are connected yet distinct. Think about a terrible news story you may have seen and remember the compassion you may have had for whoever was featured in that story. You did not know the person and probably did not feel love for them. What you likely felt was a deep sense of compassion. In recognizing that we can experience compassion even for someone we do not know, we can begin the work of extending that same feeling towards ourselves. The reason we often struggle to be compassionate towards ourselves is because we do not believe we are deserving of tender emotions. Again, we can look back at experiences throughout our lives that may have falsely led us to think and feel this way. Now, let’s consider the fact that we show care for others in very intentional ways that are not based on whether they are deserving or not.
Do you feed your dog because the dog deserves it or because the dog needs to be fed?
Do you hug your child when they make a mistake because they deserve it or because they need comfort?
Do you forgive a loved one for saying something hurtful because they deserve it or because forgiveness is what is needed in order to move forward in a healthy way?
You get the idea. Perhaps you see the subject of each example as deserving, but tending to what they actually need remains the first order of priority. We show up for others in these particular ways because of what the situation calls for and do whatever is needed. Too often, we deny ourselves our own basic needs through a subconscious and at times very conscious urge to punish ourselves for being unworthy, unlovable, and undeserving. Examining your own tendency to do this may help you adjust your sense of what the situation actually calls for. What do you need in the moments when your inner critic is being cruel?
Taking your power back
When it is difficult to know how to get started, it often helps to simply go back to basics. What does this mean exactly? Feed yourself with care by eating something nourishing and delicious. Commit to drinking more water and getting more rest. Get out into the sunshine. Move your body. We do not do these things because we deserve them, we do them because they provide basic sustenance for our bodies. Meet your survival needs first. Next, you can begin nourishing your inner being. Connect with your mind, heart, and soul by doing something for the pure enjoyment of it. This could be something fun, creative, or purely relaxing. You might consider practicing a new skill, reading something that inspires you, watching something that makes you laugh, or writing down thoughts you have not dared to say out loud. Other ways to connect to your inner self are by listening to music, being in the presence of people who encourage and uplift you, or spending quality time all by yourself. If you really want to streamline this process, go play! Literally play as you used to when you were a child. This could be as organized as playing an actual sport or as spontaneous as blowing bubbles, rolling down a hill, using your imagination, and giving yourself permission to be a bit silly. In doing so, you will be able to connect to the part of you that existed before adult responsibilities took over. For those who may have had adult responsibilities from a very young age, you will be able to offer your inner child the freedom they always needed to be playful and carefree. This list is not prescriptive by any means, but an invitation to return to parts of yourself that may have long been neglected. You get to create your own list. Whatever may be on your list, recognize that these activities are not luxuries that you only give yourself permission to engage in only once you have checked everything off of your to-do list. Actions such as these are essential to your well-being as a whole, integrated person. Doing something pleasurable need not rest on whether you deem yourself to be worthy of reward or punishment. This is about meeting your human need to experience harmony between mind, body, and spirit. We can survive when our basic needs are met, but in order to achieve a sense of true vitality, these needs are also intrinsic. When you create these points of connection with your inner being, you are communicating a deep sense of safety to your mind and body. You are welcoming a lightness of being that perhaps even your inner critic will not be able to resist. You might consider deepening acceptance and compassion by telling yourself, “I offer this to myself because this is what I need. I give myself permission to receive this.”
The power of subtle shifts
If self-compassion and self-love feel like too much stretch right now, perhaps it is helpful to start by offering yourself the same respect you would show to others. Consider how you might engage with a loved one who is struggling in some way. Would you speak to your loved one or anyone the way you speak to yourself? If the answer is a resounding no, ask yourself what an acceptable way to treat your loved one would look like, sound like, and feel like. Now try offering that same level of respect and compassion to yourself. Your harsh inner critic may be piping up right about now, sneering and giving this page some side eye, saying, “Yeah, but it’s different for you.” It’s so easy to listen to that voice because you have been listening to it for so long. If you take a deep breath, you may be able to hear a quieter voice coming into your awareness. This voice has been waiting patiently for you to acknowledge it. Perhaps you can hear it saying, “No, it’s true. The same rules apply to you as to anyone else. Be kind.” See if you can tune in and turn up the volume on that voice. Meet your true essence and the voice that your inner critic has been drowning out for so long. Now is your inner critic’s cue to take a rest.
It is expected that all of this may feel unnatural at first, but it is essential to practice self-compassion if you want to train your mind to engage in kinder ways. The inner critic is limited, fearful, manipulative, and often cruel. This is a wounded part that endured the brunt of so much negativity over the years. We can have compassion for that part without tolerating its need to perpetuate harm. In addition to narrating our internalized experiences, the inner critic also mirrors the negativity of the world at large. We can choose to move through life seeing only what is bad, wrong, hurtful, or frightening. Those realities exist. That being said, other realities exist out in the world with the potential to reflect something different in our minds. If you have been living in the shadows of negativity for a long time, try tuning into the frequencies of love, goodness, compassion, fun, joy, creativity, curiosity, and purpose. The first step towards the light is treating yourself like someone you care about. How will you practice self-compassion today?
If you are struggling with negative or intrusive thoughts beyond what feels manageable, please seek the help of a licensed mental health professional. There are many therapeutic interventions that effectively address these thought patterns.
Read more from Katie Dixon
Katie Dixon, Licensed Professional Counselor, Business Owner
Katie Dixon is a Licensed Professional Counselor and the owner of Healing in Action Counseling Services LLC. Through a number of personal and professional experiences, Katie realized that life's most difficult moments can lead to feelings of isolation when connection is often what is most needed. Her mission is to use the power of connection to help her clients heal from painful experiences while navigating their relationships with themselves and others from a place of greater compassion and understanding.
