How To Hold The Paradox Of Life When You Feel Lost? Cognitive Behaviour Therapy
- Jan 2, 2024
- 4 min read
Written by: Thanh Nguyen, Executive Contributor
Executive Contributors at Brainz Magazine are handpicked and invited to contribute because of their knowledge and valuable insight within their area of expertise.
2023 has been a challenging year for all of us, and it's hard not to feel saddened by the global events. As a therapist, I've witnessed and listened to numerous tragic losses this year, including relationship breakups, illnesses, accidents, and business difficulties. Many of my clients have described 2023 as one of the most difficult years of their lives. I feel them because I have to admit that 2023 has also been one of my most challenging years too. Yes, I'm a therapist, and yet I've needed a lot of therapy this year to create a space for myself to process and clear out the clutter of whatever 2023 has thrown at me, so I can be there for my clients.
I'm certain that in 2023, many of us had to make important life decisions, often feeling anxious and uncertain. Here are some tips I've learned to cope with life's uncertainty in 2023:
1. Learning to be okay with the grey area
From Cognitive Behavior Therapy, many of us are black-and-white thinkers, finding it easier to see things that way. However, life is not black and white; it's full of contradictions. Consider one of your memories and notice the complexity of emotions that arise. Have you ever felt sad after a breakup because it was over, yet simultaneously felt relieved and free? Embracing these contradictions is the beauty of life. The challenge is learning to sit with the complexity of our emotions and accepting that it's a grey area, just for now. Breathe into that space.
2. Regulating your nervous system
What do you need in times of feeling lost and anxious? Do you need time for yourself to process these feelings, or would you like to reach out to someone you trust to talk about it? Each of us is different. Some prefer solitude, while others seek connection during difficult times. When feeling lost, slow down, pause, and ask, 'What do I need right now? What is my body telling me?' There's no right or wrong answer; it's about learning to trust your body's signals.
3. Returning to logic
Once you're calm, revisit logic. Remember, it's common to go back and forth between calmness and anxiety in this phase. It's part of dealing with uncertainty, but eventually, you will get there as long as you allow yourself to.
Questions to reflect when you are calm can be: 'What is this uncertainty teaching me? What lessons do I need to learn? What are my priorities? Where do I see myself next year or in the next 5 years? What are my values?' Assess your options and create a pros and cons list. It's okay to be indecisive or unsure and It is okay for sadness and grief to arise. You'll find your way.
4. Remember, it's not a linear process
Coping with uncertainty when feeling lost isn't a linear journey; it's cyclical. There are times when you feel clear about your path and there are times when you don't. It's an opportunity to delve into 'Who am I?' and 'What truly matters to me?' and follow that.
5. Seek professional support if needed
As a therapist, I seek professional support from time to time. If I can do it, so can you.
In 2023 this is what I’ve learned after using the above tips
Life never stops surprising me; it has a way of showing me where to evolve, where to heal, and where to love. It shows me how to connect with different parts of life and myself and others. Life shows me how to expand myself and how to reconnect with the parts of me that I have forgotten. Life shows me the balance between resting and moving, doing and being, planning and flowing. Life shows me that we don't have a lot of time left together, so learn to cherish every moment when spending time with family and friends. Seeing my parents and my loved ones aging slowly every year makes me somewhat sad, and every now and then, I still cry about it, yes – that is anticipatory grief.
For most of my adolescence, I was busy looking for my individuality, freedom to travel, and the permission to be 'myself,' my independence, my missions, my values, my identity, and my passion. Suddenly, when reaching my 30s, there is a part of me heading towards being family-oriented. My identity is somewhat shaken and crumbled this year with the confusion of what is really me. Probably quite a few phases of dark nights of the soul this year for me. Life continues to teach me how to hold the paradox. It whispers that 'there is no black and white. You don't need to lose yourself during this process. You are still you with a better capacity to expand for embracing, giving, and receiving love.'
Life still brings light and hope to me. Funny how I have unconsciously started planning my life and my career around the idea of my 'future family.' I can still do the job that I love, keep learning, start a business with my beautiful networking and connections, and earn enough money while spending as much time taking care of my family as I want to. I have learned to be more comfortable receiving, and I don't mind being provided for. There's nothing wrong with receiving love from others. We know life is full of suffering and uncertainty, but when love is big enough, we have hope for the future. The beauty of life, the gift of life, the surprise of life, the paradox of life, the love, the loss, the grief, the fear—thank you for teaching me to expand and embrace you all.
We’ve all had highs and lows in 2023, offering us moments of reflection. Let’s hope that 2024 brings a fresh start for us all, filled with greater health, peace, love, and happiness. Wishing you all a happy new year!
Thanh Nguyen, Executive Contributor Brainz Magazine
Thanh Nguyen, trauma Therapist and social worker. Thanh has a big passion for emotional trauma recovery in therapy. She has experience working in addiction, mental health and trauma recovery. She is the founder of Embracing Us Counselling. Her missions: create a group of people who are healed from trauma to have a fulfilling life with their loved ones.
