How I Broke The Habit Of Telling – It’s A Work In Progress
- Brainz Magazine
- Aug 7, 2023
- 3 min read
Written by: Jacinta Gallant, Executive Contributor
Executive Contributors at Brainz Magazine are handpicked and invited to contribute because of their knowledge and valuable insight within their area of expertise.
As a divorce lawyer and mediator, I struggled for years trying to “get” clients to open up to dialogue when they were stuck in an entrenched pattern. It never worked when clients were defending themselves, their lived experience, their demands and their sense of (in) justice.
If you are a “fixer” (like me) it can be so easy to fall into the trap of trying to “get” clients to gain insight. What’s a problem-solver to do?!
Since telling, educating, cajoling and nudging wasn’t working anyway, I began searching for a deeper way to understand what is going on when people are in conflict. When I was ready to be a student, my teacher appeared as the Insight Mediation founder, Cheryl Picard. I took Tuesdays off work for all of 2017 and devoted myself to learning. (I was so lucky to have a spouse/partner who could support me to earn less so I could learn more.)
My studies of the insight approach helped me understand conflict in a way that resonated with my experience at work (and at home!)
Why and how does insight work? Here is a summary:
Notice defensive behaviours (justifying, demanding, persuading, interrupting, repeating) – without attribution. This just tells us something is up that needs exploring.
Wonder about the behaviour – drop assumptions and be curious. No guessing. No “diagnosing”. No comparing to last week’s case. (I found this hard to do because I thought I had it all figured out – does that ever happen to you?)
Know that when someone is defending they are not able to learn anything new, so stop trying to make something happen (saves time and money!). Neuroscience and biology tells us this so let’s listen.
Know that when we think we know what is going on for the other person, we are also impaired in our ability to learn something new.
Offer human acknowledgment of the “struggle” – how you do this will depend on your relationship, your role and the behaviours you are noticing. We might call this validation. It’s about demonstrating a sincere desire to understand.
Be transparent about the specific behaviour you are noticing (This will depend on your role, the behaviour and the context)
Ask about the threat: “What are you most worried about?” What are you worried will happen if _____?”
Stay with it until the threat is revealed and we can work with it – perceived or real. The threat is the barrier to learning. (Note: It is not time to problem-solve.)
Verify that your interpretation is accurate – so much can be lost in translation and we need to express what we are understanding, not just the words being used.
Ask what the person hopes will be better if they are able to have a productive discussion about their worries. In insight this is called “The Hope Question”.
Pull together the threads of what has been learned – and ensure you “got it right” (verifying again).
The power of learning is transformative, so our insight “interventions” are focused on clearing up the threats that get in the way of learning, and then facilitating dialogue that helps the parties hear and understand one another.
All of this saves time and liberates us from a focus on outcome and problem-solving when it is not the right time. Then, when it is the time for exploring solutions, people are ready!
If you want to hear my podcast on this topic, you can listen here: Spotify
Apple Podcasts: click here.
Jacinta Gallant, Executive Contributor Brainz Magazine
Jacinta Gallant is a respected lawyer, mediator and educator, recognized internationally for her innovative approach to conflict resolution training. Jacinta’s resources for divorce professionals, Our Family in Two Homes, help clients prepare for effective dispute resolution. Her podcast, The Authentic Professional, focuses on how professionals can bring more of who they are to what they do and her latest book, Going Steady, helps engage couples in conversations that sustain and nourish their relationship. Grounded in her home on Prince Edward Island, Canada, and with a global vision, Jacinta Gallant is an innovator who inspires other professionals to be more authentic and effective in work and life.
