How Do I Stop Attracting the Same People Over and Over Again?
- Brainz Magazine
- Aug 14
- 3 min read
Dana Medvedev is a leading Intimacy & Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Coach and creator of REVIVE, a breakthrough program helping women rise from emotional manipulation, reclaim their power, and feel safe, sensual, and unstoppable again.
Have you ever found yourself asking why you keep attracting the same type of person, despite your best efforts to change? This article explores the "Mirror Effect" and how our inner beliefs and wounds shape the relationships we attract. By recognizing these patterns and healing from within, you can break free from this cycle and begin to attract healthier, more fulfilling connections.
You’ve probably asked yourself this at least once:
“Why do I keep attracting the same type of person, just in a different body?”
Maybe it’s another emotionally unavailable partner. Maybe it’s another manipulative boss. Maybe it’s another “best friend” who slowly drains you.
It feels like déjà vu, only it’s not a coincidence. It’s the 'mirror effect'.
The mirror effect: Why we keep meeting ourselves in others
In my coaching practice, I see this every week: clients come to me exhausted from repeating the same relationship patterns. They swear they want something different, but what they feel inside keeps calling in the same energy outside.
We don’t attract what we want. We attract what we are, what we feel, and what we believe we deserve.
If I have low self-esteem, I will resonate with someone else who also lacks self-worth; maybe they put me down, maybe they tolerate being put down. Either way, it matches my inner world.
If I have an unhealed narcissistic wound, I will often attract a narcissist. Not because I like it, but because it feels familiar. My nervous system says: This is what love feels like.
What this looks like in real life
Here are a few examples straight from my sessions:
Client A: grew up in a family where love was conditional, and affection came only after achievement. As an adult, she kept dating partners who withheld affection unless she “proved herself.” Once she saw the pattern, she realized she had been re-living her childhood over and over.
Client B: had a narcissistic mother. Every partner he chose had the same controlling, self-centered traits. It wasn’t until we worked through his fear of rejection that he could feel safe choosing partners who didn’t need to dominate him.
Client C: had a history of self-neglect. She attracted friends who constantly took advantage of her time and kindness. When she started setting boundaries and valuing her needs, those friendships either evolved or naturally fell away, and healthier ones took their place.
So, how do you stop the cycle?
Step 1: Notice the mirror, not just the person
Instead of blaming the other person, ask: What part of me was reflected in them? What wound or belief made me resonate with their energy?
Step 2: Heal your self-worth first
If you raise your standards for how you treat yourself, you will automatically raise the standards for how others treat you.
Step 3: Expect discomfort in healthy love
If you’re used to chaos, peace might feel “boring” at first. Stay with it, that’s what safety feels like.
Step 4: Make conscious choices
Don’t wait for chemistry to blindside you. Choose partners, friends, and colleagues from a place of clarity, not desperation.
The truth most people don’t want to hear
You can’t “just be lucky” and find the right person without changing something in yourself first. The mirror doesn’t lie. It will keep showing you the same story until you decide to rewrite it.
So next time you find yourself saying, “Why me again?”, remember: it’s not the universe punishing you. It’s an invitation to heal, to grow, and to change the reflection.
Because once you change inside, the outside world has no choice but to follow.
Read more from Dana Medvedev
Dana Medvedev, Narcissistic Abuse and Intimacy Coach
Dana Medvedev is an Intimacy and Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Coach and a survivor who turned her own trauma into transformation. She is the creator of REVIVE, a powerful program guiding women through the deep work of healing after narcissistic abuse, emotionally, psychologically, and somatically. Known for her sharp intuition, raw honesty, and deeply empathetic presence, she holds space without sugarcoating. Her no-nonsense style cuts through victimhood and confusion to help women reclaim their bodies, boundaries, and brilliance. Her mission is personal: to help others do what she did, break the cycle, rebuild from the inside out, and come home to themselves.
