How Can Unhealed Traumas Shape The Way We Show Up In Our Relationships
- Feb 8, 2023
- 3 min read
Written by: Jana Morton, Executive Contributor
Executive Contributors at Brainz Magazine are handpicked and invited to contribute because of their knowledge and valuable insight within their area of expertise.
I need to quote Bono, the lead singer of the popular Irish rock band U2, here. In his book Surrender, Chapter five, he says: “Until we deal with the most traumatic traumas, there’s a part of us that stays at the age in which we encountered them.”
That is so true!
Bono is not a therapist, yet he clearly knows what he is talking about because it is his own experience.
As a relationship coach, I often observe how my clients get stuck in the age of their unhealed traumas and how this affects their relationships. Traumas, especially those experienced in childhood, can have a lasting impact on our sense of self and our ability to form healthy relationships. That is because trauma can cause us to revert back to a childlike state where we are vulnerable, fearful, and in need of protection.
Someone who experienced abandonment in childhood may have difficulty forming close relationships in adulthood because they are unconsciously afraid of being hurt again.
That can result in patterns of mistrust, emotional distance, and, ultimately, relationship failure.
In her groundbreaking book "Trauma and Recovery," Judith Herman explains trauma in a way that relates to everyone, not only the victims of rape, war, and kidnapping. Herman notes that even small trauma can lead to feelings of shame and self-blame, which can affect our ability to form healthy relationships.
When we internalize negative beliefs about ourselves, we may feel unworthy of love and acceptance which leads to self-sabotage and difficulty in forming intimate connections with others.
So, how can we heal from the impact of trauma on our relationships?
The first step is to acknowledge the presence of past traumas and their impact on our lives. That requires a certain level of self-awareness and the ability to reflect on our patterns of behavior and thoughts, and a willingness to learn and grow.
It's also essential to seek out professional help, such as ontological coaching and therapy, in order to process and heal from past traumas.
I can’t emphasize enough how important it is to work on developing a solid sense of self by learning to love and accept ourselves exactly as we are, as well as developing healthy coping mechanisms for dealing with difficult emotions.
When we have a strong sense of self, we are less likely to be affected by the insecurities and fears that stem from past traumas.
It is also important to cultivate healthy relationships which involve setting clear boundaries and communicating our needs and desires in an assertive yet respectful manner. It also means being open to feedback and working on our relationship skills, such as active listening, clear communication, and empathy. By doing so, we can create a supportive network of relationships that can help us overcome the effects of past traumas and allow us to heal and grow so that we can show up in our relationships as confident, self-assured and authentic individuals
Jana Morton, Executive Contributor Brainz Magazine
Jana Morton is a conscious relationship / conscious uncoupling coach, trained and mentored by the relationship expert Katherine Woodward Thomas, M.A., MFT and holds a Brain-based professional coach certification.
She collaborates with Hakkini ‒ a virtual well-being platform that caters to individual mental and emotional needs in the Middle East and beyond and L.E.A. Growing people ‒ HR consulting, training, mentoring, and coaching organization.
Jana is an empath with deep listening skills, strong intuition, and a genuine interest in people’s love stories and relationship struggles. She is passionate about helping her clients overcome their challenges and limiting beliefs so they can transform their relationships and live and love with more ease and joy.
Jana was struggling with unhealthy dynamics inside her own marriage. That is how she found Katherine Woodward Thomas’s methodology, which completely changed her life. She was able to liberate herself from a victimized perspective and transform into a self-actualized and self-responsible woman and partner. She now helps others to understand the mostly unconsciously created toxic dynamics in their relationships and guides them towards ones that are happy, healthy, and thriving.
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