Written by: Malissa Veroni, Executive Contributor
Executive Contributors at Brainz Magazine are handpicked and invited to contribute because of their knowledge and valuable insight within their area of expertise.
We hear about them all the time. Look out for red flags! But what exactly are red flags, how do you spot them and what do you do about them? But wait, there are also yellow flags?
While this may seem like an easy thing to answer, the reality is it is much more complex, individualized, and multi-layered than most people think. Severity, level of seriousness, one’s own past experiences and one’s own beliefs all affect how one may see, respond to, and feel about yellow and red flags. For example, if someone was traumatized by something they might “overcorrect” or “normalize” certain behaviours to cope with them. For example, if you were in an abusive family a particular behaviour may be “normal” for you and thus not be seen as a red flag. At the same time that same behaviour can be a loud red flag to another person. We all have different tolerances.
Regardless of the above, we need to be aware of flags because it impacts our mental wellness, relationships, finances, and sometimes even our safety.
Just like with most traffic lights, there are many colours of flags- green, yellow and red.
Put simply, green flags are things we can easily accept and enjoy. Green flags align with our values. We feel good about it. Green flags make us feel happy, safe, seen, heard, and respected. There is nothing better! It can be a good deed, helping people who need it, and kindness to name a few!
As green flags are self-explanatory, let’s dive in a little deeper to better understand yellow and red flags.
Yellow flags
Yellow flags are not necessarily “deal breakers” but are, nonetheless, something to pay attention to and deal with. Yellow flags tend to be less serious than red flags and possibly more hidden. A yellow flag can indicate that there is a problem that needs to be addressed.
Common Yellow Flags may be:
Being dishonest about little things
Habitual lateness
Inability to keep plans (cancelling last minute)
Untreated mental health or a physical condition
Someone who has no friends or hobbies
Someone who is clingy, especially from the very beginning.
While no relationship, job, or anything for that matter is perfect, these things should never cause more harm than good.
If we are referring to a relationship, a yellow flag may not necessarily warrant you ending a relationship, but it does warrant acknowledgement and input from both sides to resolve it. If someone is not willing to solve the issue it can very well become a red flag.
Yellow flags, like the yellow traffic light, means caution- and something we need to pay attention to. No, yellow flags are not like what my mother used to tell me- you speed up through the yellow light to avoid getting the red light! Unlike this foolish attempt to be humorous advice, one should not speed up but, rather one needs to slow down and evaluate the situation, and take an honest look for patterns when presented with yellow (or red) flags. We want to be aware of, take the time needed to reflect and do what is right for us.
Red Flags
We all hear about red flags and know that we are supposed to avoid them, although, to be honest, a lot of us (myself included) tend to ignore them at times. Most people would identify abuse, especially physical and sexual abuse of any kind, as a red flag. It is something no one wants or deserves. We all would likely warn a friend that we see red flags if we saw them dating someone who displayed jealousy, a quick temper, or disdain towards wait staff. And because red flags might mean different things to different people it can cause some confusion.
The truth is yellow and red flags are warning signs that things are probably not healthy for us. It could indicate abuse, manipulation, and signs that we need to do something different to protect our overall wellness.
Common red Flags are:
Overly controlling behaviour
Misuse of alcohol or other substances
Refusal to treat mental health or a physical condition
Chronic unemployment
Gaslighting
Constant jealously
As you can see there are many potential common red flags. Remember, yellow flags and red flags are individualized and can change. It can be tricky to see the difference. For instance, a red flag would be if your partner “refuses” you to leave the house without them. A yellow flag would be when you leave the house without them and they become depressed, angry, or moody because of it.
The above examples may not all apply to everyone, and there are many more possible flags, so it is important to know your yellow and red flags.
Now that you know some more information about yellow and red flags what do you do about them?
10 Things with Yellow & Red Flags
Stop and reflect on your situation. It is important to have a real good deep look. A good therapist can help with this.
Limit your time or the effect yellow and red flags have on you, your work, relationships, and health (aka have good boundaries).
When discussing yellow flags, pay attention to how the other person responds to your concerns.
Use “I feel” statements to help share your feelings and concerns. Using “I feel” statements is a healthy and assertive way to honour your feelings and helps avoid the other person feeling defensive when hearing your opinions.
See things for how they truly are and stop giving people the benefit of the doubt- it only enables things that are unhealthy for us.
Please do not tolerate yellow or red flags. Listen to your gut. Your body may be telling you something.
We hear it all the time- take care of yourself. Self-care is pivotal for good strong mental health.
Know what your boundaries and values are and live from them.
Be honest with yourself.
If at all possible- avoid red flags altogether.
Remember that not all flags are “bad” or “deal breakers.” Everyone is operating from a different playing field and what may be someone’s yellow, green, or red flags may not be my own or yours. What is important here is to address it. One must listen to their body and assess the situation honestly. Pay attention to how the other person responds to you when you are discussing your concerns as their response can very well change the urgency and flag level. Pay attention to patterns and know your worth!
As always, if you, or anyone you know, may benefit from learning about this topic or would like to work on their mental health, the providers at Keep’N It Real Solutions are happy to help walk alongside you to help you heal, grow, and love.
Malissa Veroni, Executive Contributor Brainz Magazine
Malissa Veroni is the founding CEO and lead therapist at Keep’N It Real Solutions. For the past 15 years Malissa has been a foot soldier in the field of social work; teaching, and serving students and clients alike. She is a published author, mentor, and mental health therapist who focuses on combining theory, practical approach and individual quality holistic care to help clients heal and grow from a variety of concerns. Malissa is known as a specialist in the field of Narcissistic Abuse, Intimate Partner Violence, the LGBTQ2s Community, and in Sex Therapy. She is also a Designated Capacity Assessor and a mentor to several social workers worldwide.
