Yolan Bedasse started her corporate career 10+ years ago and understands first hand the struggles of navigating a stressful job and the pressures of every day life. She’s been the woman whose image of a “put together life” actually required a careful dance of being kept awake at 2am by her own thoughts and never asking for help.
How do you feel about your birthday? Do you find yourself irritable in the days leading up to it? Does the thought of celebrating or spending the day with others make you anxious? Do you prefer to do nothing or simply treat it as any other ordinary day? If yes, then you may have a case of the birthday blues.
Once upon a time, my birthday was my favorite day of the year. I curated my wishlist months in advance and made it a point to let my family know that even though the big day was close to Christmas, I wouldn’t accept a two-for-one gift special. The night before my birthday, I’d draw on my little chalkboard and wake up acting surprised as I read “Happy Birthday,” made from every color of chalk in my possession. That excitement has dwindled over the years, and now, as I’m on the verge of another 30-something birthday, I realize I’ve passed nonchalance and moved into dread territory. The thought of making birthday plans makes me anxious and what I want most is to be still and let the day pass in solitude.
What are the birthday blues?
According to this Very Well Mind article, birthday depression or blues is a common thing we experience as we age. The reasons seem to vary from fear of aging to associating your day with traumatic experiences. And while I’ve found no evidence it’s recognized as an official mental condition, it’s a thing. There, that sounds official. So, if you find yourself irritable leading up to the day and have little to no interest in celebrating or acknowledging the day, you may be experiencing the birthday blues.
Now what?
1. Welcome the discomfort
If you’re expecting me to tell you all the ways to simply get over it, you can stop reading now. I’m not a big fan of the grass being greener, just zen your way through it pep talks. I do, however, love a healthy dose of reality and, if necessary, wallowing to an extent. Why?
Because once you acknowledge the feelings, you’ll begin to address them and let them play out. They become familiar and familiarity and fear don’t co-exist well in our human brains.
“Think of your feelings like water running through ducts in your body. Your thoughts determine whether or not the ducts are clean. The cleanliness of the ducts determines the quality of the water.” – Brianna Wiest, The Mountain Is You.
When we try to dismiss our feelings, cut the “water off” and jump to the “just think positively,” what’s happening is we’re ignoring how we feel and becoming increasingly frustrated because these feelings are not being validated we’re not being seen. Eventually, the pressure will be too much and things will implode. When we allow ourselves to feel for a little bit, we’re giving ourselves the space to be seen and flush out all the ick in real-time.
2. Grieve the unmet expectations
We all handle things differently. Key things to remember are to give yourself grace and recognize that, most likely, you’re grieving the disappointments and the “what coulda shoulda been” at this stage in your life (successful career, marriage, kids, etc.) For a long time, I used to get so frustrated with myself for simply “not getting over it.” But, recently, I’ve realized our frustrations are rooted in not being seen, and for us to see ourselves, we need to acknowledge these unmet expectations and unrealized dreams and grieve them. Grieving takes time; there are up to seven stages of grieving, and it’s not a linear process. You’re allowed to be shocked, angry, depressed, bargaining, and hopeful. As many times as you need. As long as you’re not stagnant or forcing yourself to skip steps and immediately going to acceptance. Let it out, or the pressure will continue to build and eventually, you’ll combust. Either way, it’ll come out.
However, one way seems a lot more painful and leads you back to the starting point you tried to avoid in the first place. The only way is through. For more information on the seven stages of grief, check out this article, The Stages of Grief and What to Expect.
3. Reflect on the year
After a few rounds of going through the various emotions and squirming in the discomfort, you may be in the mood for reflection. Now, please hear me. I understand you need to be in the right headspace to do this. It requires digging through the memories, looking at your life as it is in the present, and picking out things that you’re grateful for. Take your time and do it when you’re ready. Here are some questions to get you started:
How do I feel about turning a year older?
What was one of my happiest memories this year?
What was my biggest lesson this year?
What am I letting go of?
If you’re interested in how I answered these one year, you can read it here: Birthday Reflections: Another 30-Something Birthday.
Every valley has a peak
It’s your day. One day a year, you can be utterly selfish, and if that means sitting in a quiet corner, reflecting and grieving all the unmet expectations you had for your life at that given age, that’s okay. Take the time you need, grieve, and just know better will come. It has to; it’s nature.
Just promise me one thing. Take it easy on yourself. We’ve never been here before. We’re all navigating this world for the first time, trying to make sense of it and fumbling our way through while managing societal pressures and our expectations. It’s not easy, and despite what social media may show, it does take a considerable amount of effort to exist in today’s world.
How are you getting through the birthday blues? Let me know.
Yolan Bedasse, Life Coach: Boundaries & Self Love
Yolan is a certified life coach and loves all things that exude cozy, homey vibes. She started her corporate career 10+ years ago and understands first hand the struggles of navigating a stressful job and the pressures of every day life. She’s been the woman whose image of a “put together life” actually required a careful dance of being kept awake at 2am by her own thoughts and never asking for help. In 2022, she became a certified life coach with the goal of helping women who also know this struggle. Her fellow hyper independent, over-thinkers who want to be self assured, get into a loving relationship with the word no and wear their imperfections proudly. All while finding little moments to exhale.
