From Toxic to True Love – How to Stop Attracting Unavailable Partners
- Brainz Magazine
- Sep 18
- 3 min read
Updated: Sep 19
Founder of The Yalini Experience, Yalini has qualifications in Psychology and a Master's Degree in Social and Political Science. She is a certified Master Practitioner in Hypnotherapy, Neuro-Linguistic Programming (NLP), and Timeline Therapy.
Do you ever feel like you keep shopping for love in the same section, trying to make relationships fit even when they're clearly not designed for you? Like trying on a dress you know isn't quite right, but desperately wanting it to work. Maybe you've even convinced yourself that with enough alterations, if you could just be a little more this or a little less that, it would finally suit you.
Your patterns in love work just the same. You keep picking partners who aren't tailored to your heart's true desires, emotionally unavailable men, commitment-phobes, or those who simply aren't ready for real love. And just like that dress that will never quite fit, you exhaust yourself trying to make these relationships work.
Why? Because from birth to age seven, your mind creates the blueprint for how you’ll love as an adult. It’s a template shaped most powerfully by your first experience of male love, your father. If your father was emotionally unavailable or absent, you might find yourself drawn to men who never quite show up for you, who don't keep their promises, or who always keep one foot out the door. Even though consciously you know it’s not what you want, subconsciously you keep going back because it’s what feels familiar, like that dress you keep trying on even though it never quite fits.
But here's where it gets interesting. Sometimes you’re not shopping in your father's department at all. Sometimes, you may find yourself attracted to partners who mirror your mother's energy, because she may have been the more masculine role model at home. When mothers take on that strong, decisive, masculine energy, they become more like the “man.” Hence, you might unconsciously seek partners who carry that same controlling or dominant energy.
I’ve witnessed this transformation in a beautiful client, Nicole. When she first came to me, she was caught in an exhausting cycle of attracting unavailable men, either younger men who weren't ready to settle down or those who saw her as a temporary fix while searching for "the one." Through our work together, she learned to recognise these patterns and stop forcing herself into relationships that didn't fit her heart's true desires.
So here's what I want you to know, you don't have to keep shopping in the wrong section. You can learn to choose partners who actually fit your heart. Here's how to start:
Check your size: Look honestly at your relationship patterns. Are you choosing partners who reflect your father's unavailability or your mother's dominant energy? Understanding this helps you stop forcing yourself into relationships that don't fit.
Try a new style: Start making different choices that align with what you truly want. If you typically chase unavailable men, practice letting men pursue you. If you usually ignore red flags, acknowledge them early.
Choose what suits you: Define what real love looks like for you. Not what you've settled for in the past, but what would actually fit your heart perfectly. How would this relationship feel? What qualities would truly complement you?
Remember, while self-reflection is powerful, you can't always find the perfect fit alone. Sometimes you need support to recognise why you keep choosing clothes that don't suit you and to feel comfortable in this new style. Just like my client Nicole discovered, working with someone who can help you see your patterns clearly can transform your entire love life. It's time to stop settling for relationships that don't fit and start choosing a love that's tailored to your heart's true desires.
Follow me on Facebook, Instagram, LinkedIn, YouTube, and visit my website for more info, or subscribe to the Lead From Love Podcast!
Yalini Nirmalarajah, Self-Love & Relationship Coach
Yalini Nirmalarajah, a global Self-Love and Relationship Coach, empowers women to reclaim the source of their light, their feminine essence, and intuition. In societies where women are taught to be more like men, her guidance helps women overcome this false conditioning so they can heal from the trauma it’s created, reconnect with their emotional bodies, and live authentically from their hearts. Inspired by this mission, she launched the Lead From Love Podcast.
Founder of The Yalini Experience, Yalini has qualifications in Psychology and a Master's Degree in Social and Political Science. She is a certified Master Practitioner in Hypnotherapy, Neuro-Linguistic Programming (NLP), and Timeline Therapy. Her expertise extends to post-graduate training in Rebirthing Breathwork, Iridology, Sclerology, Health, and Wellness. Yalini is dedicated to continuous development to provide the highest quality care for all her clients.
