From Control to Connection – Rewiring the Leadership Reflexes We Default To
- Brainz Magazine
- Oct 6
- 6 min read
Updated: Oct 7
Written by Shanesia Davis, Founder and CEO
Dr. Shanesia Davis is the Founder & CEO of U & ME Consulting, where she equips leaders with emotionally intelligent strategies that align inner identity with external impact, driving authentic, sustainable leadership growth.
Leadership is personal work with public consequences. It is deeply human work, and humans are creatures of habit. When the stakes feel high or uncertainty creeps in, we do not usually pause and choose our most intentional selves. We default to instinct. And those instincts did not appear out of nowhere. They have been shaped by the cultural norms and systems we have lived within, ways of thinking and behaving that reward control as safety.
Those patterns are powerful. They teach us to protect what is familiar, to value speed over depth, certainty over curiosity, and comfort over vulnerability. They shape how we define good leadership, how we make decisions, and even how we measure success.
These reflexes are not random. They reflect the norms of the societies and institutions that shaped us. Many of the systems we still move through today, from schools and workplaces to governments and even the very idea of professionalism, were formed during a time that named the construct of whiteness as dominant.
Scholar and educator Tema Okun describes this inheritance as white supremacy culture. Not white supremacy in the extremist sense, but as a set of cultural habits and defaults such as perfectionism, urgency, defensiveness, and power hoarding that have been treated as normal and professional across generations.[1]
When we recognize these patterns as a cultural inheritance rather than an individual flaw, we gain clarity. Our leadership reflexes did not arise in isolation. They were conditioned. And because they were learned, they can also be unlearned.
Okun’s work helps us see the water we are swimming in, the cultural environment so pervasive that we often do not even notice it. Just like fish do not recognize the water until something changes, we move through workplaces, schools, and systems shaped by dominant norms without questioning them. They become our defaults, our definitions of normal, and the invisible forces that guide how we lead.
Building on Okun’s foundation, I have organized these cultural characteristics into five arenas where I see leaders most often default to control, image, pace and productivity, truth, people, and relationships. Understanding these five controls gives us a practical way to notice the reflexes that keep us stuck and, more importantly, to shift from control to connection.
Control of image
Related traits are perfectionism and avoidance of vulnerability. The reflex is to protect how we look instead of how we lead.
Subtle ways it shows up:
Over-preparing so nothing looks incomplete
Avoiding “I do not know” in front of your team
Only sharing polished results instead of messy drafts
Negative impact: Teams see performance instead of authenticity. Mistakes are hidden, learning is stalled, and psychological safety erodes.
Rewired outcome: When leaders connect instead of controlling their image, authenticity becomes the culture. Teams see growth in real time, mistakes fuel learning, and trust deepens.
From control to connection, practices to rewire:
Admit uncertainty by saying, “I do not know yet, but let us figure it out together.”
Practice visible learning by sharing one mistake and what it taught you.
Respond to feedback with presence by thanking the giver, writing the point down, and returning after reflection.
Control of pace and productivity
Related traits are quantity over quality, progress = more, and worship of the written word. The reflex is to equate speed with success. Default to urgency as proof of effectiveness.
Subtle ways it shows up:
Back-to-back meetings with no reflection time
Celebrating busy as if it equals productive
Skipping team debriefs to keep moving
Negative impact: Burnout rises, reflection disappears, and inequities go unnoticed. Teams feel drained and disconnected from purpose.
Rewired outcome: Leaders who connect to pace create rhythm. Reflection becomes a norm, impact is measured by meaning, and the team has energy for the long game.
From control to connection, practices to rewire:
Redefine progress by asking, “What difference did this make?” instead of only “What did we do?”
Protect pause by ending meetings with five minutes of reflection: “What did we learn?”
Celebrate depth by rewarding meaningful outcomes and stories, not just numbers.
Control of truth
Related traits: Either/or thinking, only one right way, objectivity
The reflex: Cling to certainty. Default to binaries.
Subtle ways it shows up:
Shutting down alternative ideas quickly
Declaring “this is the way” without exploring other options
Equating your perspective with objectivity
Negative impact: Teams feel silenced. Curiosity is stifled, complexity is avoided, and commitment erodes because people do not see their voices valued.
Rewired outcome: Leaders who connect around truth welcome multiple perspectives. They cultivate wisdom through collective sense-making and encourage curiosity.
From control to connection, practices to rewire:
Practice sense-making by asking, “What might I be missing?” when conflict arises.
Embrace both/and by replacing either/or thinking with, “How might both be true?”
Diversify inputs by intentionally inviting one perspective that challenges the majority view.
Control of people
Related traits are paternalism, power hoarding, and fear of open conflict. The reflex is a mistake in authority for ownership. Believe leadership means directing rather than developing.
Subtle ways it shows up:
Micromanaging details instead of trusting others
Withholding information with the thought that “they do not need to know”
Avoiding conflict by making unilateral decisions
Negative impact: Teams disengage. Conflict festers, ownership disappears, and leadership becomes about compliance instead of growth.
Rewired outcome: Leaders who connect with people share power. They build capacity, normalize conflict, and measure success by how many others are leading well.
From control to connection, practices to rewire:
Share power by letting others own decisions and outcomes.
Develop capacity by delegating and supporting instead of directing every step.
Normalize conflict by saying, “Disagreement means we are engaged, let us work through it.”
Control of relationships
Related traits are individualism, defensiveness, and results without integrity. The reflex is to protect oneself instead of building a connection.
Subtle ways it shows up:
Avoiding feedback conversations
Becoming defensive when accountability is raised
Prioritizing quick wins over relational trust
Negative impact: Trust breaks down quietly. Teams avoid honesty, accountability feels unsafe, and culture suffers under the surface.
Rewired outcome: Leaders who connect in relationships lean into hard conversations. Integrity outweighs short-term wins, and trust is strengthened through honest tension.
From control to connection, practices to rewire:
Choose courage by beginning tough talks with, “Help me understand how you see this.”
Prioritize integrity by letting values guide over speed or optics.
See tension as data by asking, “What does this reveal about how we are working together?”
Why connection over control
It is true. Control can deliver compliance, order, and short-term results. Some leaders lean on it because, in the moment, it feels like it is working. But control is expensive. It costs trust, creativity, and sustainability.
When people are managed by control, they may do what is required, but they rarely bring their full selves. Innovation shrinks, collaboration becomes shallow, and energy drains over time.
Connection, on the other hand, does not just achieve results. It multiplies them. Leaders who practice connection build cultures where people commit, not just comply. Where curiosity sparks innovation, where honesty drives accountability, and where creativity thrives.
Control gets you movement. Connection creates momentum.
Control manages people. Connection develops leaders.
Control may keep things safe. Connection makes things possible.
This is why connection must be the practice.
The leadership challenge
If control is our reflex, connection must be our practice. The work begins with noticing.
This week, choose one of the five controls you most recognize in yourself. Name it. Then take one intentional step toward connection in that area. Practice it with consistency, and notice what shifts in your leadership and your team.
A pro tip is not to rely solely on your self-perception. Ask your team what they notice most. Invite them to share where they experience control from you and where they feel most connected. Their perspective will reveal blind spots and accelerate your growth.
Connection is not accidental. It is rewired through small, deliberate choices.
Continue the conversation
This article is part of my "From Control to Connection" series, explored in greater depth on my podcast, In the Leadership Lounge™, with Dr. Shanesia Davis. The podcast is available on YouTube and Spotify.
Because leadership is personal work with public consequences, and connection is the practice that transforms both.
Read more from Shanesia Davis
Shanesia Davis, Founder and CEO
Dr. Shanesia Davis is the Founder & CEO of U & ME Consulting and the creator of the Leadership Lounge™, a thought-leadership platform and podcast that helps leaders move from performance to presence. A former principal and district leader, she partners with individuals, teams, and organizations to build emotionally intelligent leadership practices. She is also the author of the From Within™ Leadership Journal & Planner and is developing the From Within™ Coaching Guide to help leaders and coaches apply her framework in practice.
Reference:
[1] Okun, T. (1999, updated 2021). White Supremacy Culture. Dismantling Racism Works (dRworks).
